Where Has Tomorrow Gone?

My dad died a couple of years ago. He was only 49. I was thinking about him tonight.

Where has tomorrow gone?

Where has tomorrow gone?

 

I see your sorrow,

And I feel your pain.

Silvered Glass,

And a sad refrain.

 

Where has tomorrow gone?

Where has tomorrow gone?

 

Scarlet tear drops

And a mirthless grin

Another needle

Let the hurt begin

 

Where has tomorrow gone?

Where has tomorrow gone?

 

Another doctor

And another bed,

Another bill

But I’ll soon be…

 

Where has tomorrow gone?

Where has tomorrow…

Gone.

Reviews

[ErithVert]

I know I am supposed to say something constructive but I only have admiration to offer. I enjoyed the rhythm. I feel like the repetition is a good way of feeling the sort of devastation of the phrase; the more you say it the more terribly real it becomes.

[LawrenceRaybon]

I'm glad you liked it and the review was constructive! I was worried about repeating 'where has tomorrow gone?' twice between lines, but it felt right so I went with it. Thanks for the review!

[Beth]

Wow. I have no words to say but I couldn't stop myself from reading this again. I love the way you have portrayed emotions in different levels. Great job man!

[Emma Olsen]

So, I must say in general I think your work is pretty impressive. You have a good grasp on voice, though sometimes I think you tend to slip into a character where they just tell what's happening instead of describing the world around the character. I think a better grasp of setting in your stories would help in general. You're in a good place with your dialogue and finding ways to make your work and character interesting, but you need to work on making sure your reader can see the place and not just hear it. What does the main character look like? What do the supporting characters look like? What does the setting look like? Sometimes you touch briefly on the setting, but I think you're lacking in adjectives, even simple ones. For instance, I just read 'On Being Born' and I have no idea what the kitchen or house or hospital looked like, what the parents looked like, etc. I got a good sense of how the characters interacted and a strong sense of their character, but I wanted this supported by descriptions of facial expressions, ticks, movements - how did the mother react to Larry being awake and restless? Did he kick her? Was he quiet? Perhaps it's not the best example since he's in the womb, but I've noticed this as a sort of general trend in your work.
I'd also encourage you to press your borders. You seem to like allegories told through an off-beat character's eyes, but I get no sense of how the story changes and develops them as a character, only that the story happened to them. It's like going to a bar and hearing someone tell an awesome story. You like it, but you have no idea of the greater impact it had on their life. Most effective stories find a way to keep the interesting voice intact while showing how the actions of the story have affected their lives not only in the physical realm, but also the emotional. Naked ends showing the ramifications of the protagonists actions by having him talk to a judge, but I get no sense of his emotional journey or if it really even mattered to him. I read an interview with an agent that talked about how he only took on work that really made him feel something, because that's what sells. Deride Twilight all you want, but Stephanie Meyer found a way to really appeal to the emotional side of teenage girls, you know? If you know how to make your reader cry because they've fallen so in love with your character that it hurts them to see them hurt, you know you're writing bestseller material. Right now, you have characters I want to follow, but they don't exist for me beyond the chipper tone. It's fine to have them happy and everything, but most stories focus on some type of action and that action is usually tragedy.
The main point is, don't hide your characters' emotions. I know you're not writing Romeo and Juliet or anything, but even some small moment in an otherwise comedic work can make it that much more powerful. You seem to be writing inside the characters' heads, but I'm not getting much more than 'this is some cool thing that happened to me' and I think you mean your stories to be more than that.

Now, onto this. I think some of my claims above can extend to your poetry. You have some lovely word play and rhythm, but I have no reference for where the speaker is or what's going on until the end . . . and then I'm still not entirely sure why the speaker seems to be constantly in the hospital or who the 'you' is. I think I talked about this in the review I gave Emily, but you need to focus on grounding the reader more. Anyone can write confusing poetry, a master writes poetry which conveys a simple message beautifully. Sometimes they also add in deeper messages and symbols, which you seem to be trying to do here with the refrain, but the first and foremost focus is on a poem that is easily understandable and that the reader can see. Think of Robert Frost and 'The Road Not Taken.'
I would consider adding more lines to this. Like a story, you have to set up a place and main character. I don't need to know what the speaker looks like, but I need the grounding of a setting in order to be able to center myself. While people who critique you may read your work more than once, usually you only get one chance to capture the reader's attention and really make them think.
Some smaller critiques: "mirthless grin" this made me think the speaker was getting tortured by some serial killer for some reason. If this is what you're going for - great! But, if not, maybe it would help to say who the grin belongs to and why it's 'mirthless.'
"I see your sorrow,/And I feel your pain./Silvered Glass,/And a sad refrain." To be honest, this stanza confused me the most and it's your opening one. Who is the you? Maybe I'm missing something, but what do you mean by 'silvered glass?' Why is that phrase capitalized?
Overall, you do have some really solid work. Let me know if you have anything in particular you want me to look at. Personally, I think it's a lot harder for someone to develop an interesting voice than to have them learn how to add in descriptions. Once you're able to do that, your work has the potential to be really powerful.

Keep at it! =)

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you so much for your thorough and informative review!

I completely agree that descriptions of setting is a weakness of mine, I come from a theatre background and so have a better grasp on voice and character than I have on setting (after all that’s what a set designer is for…). As for character development, I can see that my stuff would mostly be categorized as anecdotes and my characters don’t really grow as a result of their experience, I think ‘Consider Revising’ has a bit more than my other pieces but it’s something to keep in mind as I write. I'll work on setting and character development in my next story!

'On Being Born' is meant to be the first story in a series about Larry's life (not that I got around to writing any of the others) which are loosely based upon the life of my Grandfather, and I was going to try to develop Larry as well as the other characters across the stories (but that doesn't really help if I don't write them right? ;) )

As for this poem, it’s supposed to be from the point of view of a terminal patient in a hospital. Specifically it’s me trying to envision how my father felt in his last few days. The ‘you’ refers to the speaker talking to himself as he looks in a mirror (the silvered glass). Scarlet tear drops (blood obviously) and a mirthless grin (refers to the grimace of pain) both caused by the needles being poked into the speaker.

Again thank you for your thorough review!

PS: This just popped into my head and I can’t resist:

“You want a description? I got a description!” said Frank, “it was a house.”

“And?” asked Joe.

“And what?” asked Frank blankly.

“And what did it look like?” Joe asked crossing his arms and frowning.

“What? You never seen a house before Joe?” said Frank with a sly smile.

[Emma Olsen]

I got you. Your characters are very strong and I like them, I just think you need to continue pressing them for development. Your dialogue is very good (if you're looking for a career, screenwriting or playwriting might be good career choices), but to have balanced pieces in other mediums you must master the art of exposition. In regards to your dialogue you wrote, yes, a house looks like a house, but, honestly, how you describe such a house reveals a lot. I'm originally from California and all the houses there are basically stucco or wood because of earthquakes, but on the East Coast there are no such constraints and most buildings are brick. It's about choosing which details are important. I remember doing a project in one of my classes in college where we all were supposed to draw a 'house' as a group of two. Most of us drew a box with a triangle on top and a window, but there was one group which drew a very flat house, almost like a pueblo, and they were both from a Mid-Eastern country. Yes, a house is a house, but what I'm trying to say is that even the smallest details help lend to your greater story or give clues as to its origins. Get what I'm saying? The same is true of almost every other detail you choose to include.

In regards to the 'On Being Born' tale: well, I do think that character development issues can be fleshed out as time goes on (I mean, since he's a baby I'm thinking more about the supporting characters, to be honest), but my issue was more that I didn't feel like I knew what the baby was feeling? I mean, of course he's just a baby, but he's presented to me as a fully fleshed out character (which is a bit odd, to be honest, but it's alright so long as you make it work) and I don't get the sense that he is because I never hear what Larry feels, just what he thinks.

Okay. I get that, now, but if you need an explanation for the poem I usually assume it hasn't done its job. =P Try to translate those ideas to the poem. I understood that it was about a terminally ill patient, but glass implies looking out while mirror implies looking in. I wasn't sure who the mirthless grin belonged to, if you say it's the speaker's that might clear things up. Addressing those two issues specifically should greatly help in clarity.

At any rate, I'm happy that this helped you! If I'm not being clear in this response, let me know. I'm a bit drunk right now but got passionate about responding. lol