The Unbeatable Love

A heartfelt love story

“I read somewhere once, “some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not be together.” My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years tomorrow. He has something set up for us, I just don’t know what it is; it’s a “surprise”. I’ve been dating him since my senior year of high school. Did you know I told him I liked him first but he rejected me? It’s funny how everything worked out, especially for this long. I love him. He is my sunshine, my happiness. We sing that song to each other quite often. You know that song that’s like, “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray…” that one. I have to end thing with him tonight. Not because my love is dying for him, but because I’m dying. You see I never told him this but I’ve had heart defects since birth. Doctors gave me reports saying I’ll be better soon, my hearts getting stronger. I think they’re saying that to give me a little bit of hope to push on. They’re trying to give me a little reason why I should continue to have fun and live. Doc was pretty straightforward yesterday. I only have a month. My heart will give out on me in a month. They said I could have cardiac surgery but that it would be very risky. What do I care though, it’s either I die or I die. I have to say goodbye to him now, give him some time to separate rather than when, you know.”  That night after her romantic dinner she broke the news to her boyfriend. She told him she didn’t want him to give a piece of his heart to her when she could not do it in return. In painful agony, she ignored his calls, avoided him, and did everything she could to cut all contact with him. In confusion and devastation her boyfriend went into a deep depression. Her surgery day came. She was sent to the hospital to spend one night there before the surgery. Her boyfriend came to the house and asked her mother where she was and if he could talk to her. Her mother said she was in the hospital ready for a heart transplant. He rushed out the door to the hospital and watched her lie there in the bed. He went inside the room and kissed her on the cheek and whispered, “you don’t know dear, how much I love you…” Days later after the surgery she awoke.  Her heart was fine and she felt her heart beating stronger than ever. Her mother came into the room, hugged her and kissed her knowing that she was all right. She also mentioned that her boyfriend came to see her. She asked where he was but her mother did not know. She looked to her side where she thought she saw a card. It was from him. She opened it and it read: “ Isn’t ironic how you said your heart was dying, but I was the one who stopped living. You told me you didn’t want me to give a piece of my heart, so I gave you my whole. I want to beat with you as one. I want you to listen to your heartbeat and know that the only reason it beats is for you. I feel every heart beat with you. I will love you until your heart stops beating, and then when I see you again, I will love you once more.” She dropped the note and ran outside her hospital room. A body bag passed her and she just knew, she knew it was him. She dropped to the floor and cried uncontrollably, feeling her heart beat faster. She then started to whisper, “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You don’t know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” 

Reviews

[Tristesse]

Jocelyn,

I want to start by saying you have a powerful tool, your mind. You have the tools to create a very heartfelt story, that showers the reader in emotions of their own tears. With that being said, I want to point out a few things I noticed in your story.

For one, you had a good attention grabbers, one that I can rewind in my mind and play again. A narrative that I could almost picture in a movie, a girl talking about her situation and her boyfriend. To introduce your story perfectly is important, and that is amazing. You know how to take a story, word it properly, and then flip the emotions like in a sorrow filled romance novel. I enjoy that.

Two things I can suggest here. You went from a point of view narrative to third person, and sometimes that can confuse the reader. While I understand why you did that, it became very fast paced. I believe if you take this segment from "That night after her romantic dinner," and revise the section it could be a fully completed story worth publishing in the future. I find it a great passage. However, what I would like to see more of is questions answered. What did they talk about at dinner? How did she let him go? What were her feelings after it was said and done? I do see it was painful for her, but maybe talk about it in depth. Make the reader feel her pain, and weep with her.

Second, I would take out the part where he goes to the house. It's a filler in a sense, like I said prior I would make it completely point of view based, and then thread in feelings of his. Perhaps text messages of "I miss you...please" or "I love you with every breath I have." Rather then saying how he feels, a reader from the girl's point of view will get the hint he is heartbroken. However, instead of saying he went to her house. She could have had the surgery, she heard doctor's talking, whispering, but she couldn't make out the muffled sounds. A ringing fell through her ears, and then she saw nothing. Heard nothing. Only to awake with a card on her table, giving the reader a question on who that is from. Then tie in the "You told me you didn’t want me to give a piece of my heart, so I gave you my whole. I want to beat with you as one, " from the dinner prior. You have a great direction, and I think it could be a story worth sharing with others.

I hope this helped, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,
Tristesse