Excerpt 5

Jenna says goodbye to the only girl she's ever loved.

“I have no other choice.” My voice was barely a husk. My throat raw from crying. The woman nodded and let me inside, my father close behind. They stood in the corner by the door. Their presence itself was helpful.  I wanted to close my eyes but I had to see. I had to know it was her. I mean, I knew it was but I needed to see her. There was no other choice for me.

I gasped when I saw her. It had only been an hour but she was already so pale. Her lips the only color left on her face. I moved closer. Her hands were gently laid on her stomach. My fingers grazed hers and little by little my fingers moved up her arm. Slowly, they moved up to her shoulder. I was shaking, silent tears sliding down my cheeks.

I noticed her nails, painted a bright shade of red. And immediately, a memory flooded back to me. A memory of a little girl with nails just as red and an umbrella to match. A memory of her bright white smile when she saw me as she moved down the bus aisle, her little white shoes matching her little white dress. A memory that was all the more painful knowing it was probably the same bottle that gave them the shade, too. A memory of our first moments together, and a memory linked to our last.

I could not believe I didn’t notice.

I turned back to her face, and my hands instinctively cupped her cheeks. Her face, so delicate. Only two hours ago was she talking to me. She was using her eyes to see me, she was using her ears to hear me. Her blood still pumped into her now empty veins. And worst of all she was still holding my hand. Just the thought that I didn’t notice even when it was right there made the pain course through me with a little more power. A baby sob escaped my lips and Dr. Burgess’s words came back.

She saw Rafael in her last second, didn’t she? She saw him. He saw her. He was there. He had to have been. Were they here right now? Was she here? My mind laid every possible outcome atop of one another, but all were too outlandish, we’d have to be in a sci-fi movie for any of them to play out.

“I love you.” I cried softly, my voice coming up with nothing else to say, letting the shattered remains of my heart dictate every sound that shook its way out of my mouth. “I do, and I will, and I will never stop.” My tears fell onto her soft, cold cheeks and I delicately wiped them away with my thumbs. “I want to be mad, but I can’t. It just hurts, you never deserved this. You were too good to go like this.” I sniffed, trying to clear up my eyes so I could see her. So I could remember her like this. So I could remember my last moments with her clearly. “I saw the pain in your eyes. And I broke me to see it as much as it must have broken you to feel it.” I swallowed my breath and continued talking, my mind shutting out the thought that there were two sets of ears listening intently to my every word. “This, this really hurts. You know? You’re gone and I can’t help it. I can’t go back in time and fix any of this.” I swallowed hard and let more tears fall. “If I could, I would switch places with you in an instant. There is no second guessing it. In fact,” Pain started pounding behind my eyes as they began to throb from crying, “ I would trade places with both of you. Both of you are gone, but both of you deserved longer. You both deserved better. The pain you suffered was not what you deserved to know in your last moments.” I wiped more of my tears from her cheeks.

My heart crumbling, I took a lock of her hair in my hand. I let it run through my fingers and fall through the crevices like wet sand. I repeated that over and over. Letting the sensation soothe me - letting her touch sooth me. “If you can, would you please tell him I miss him? I need him to know that, and I don’t know if he does. Most importantly, I want you to know, that no one will ever match up to you. No one will ever be better, and I will miss you forever. I will miss you day after day after day. And while the pain will ease, it will never go away. They say that the candle which burns brightest burns half as long. My- Devon, you burned brighter than any star in the universe. You burned my heart and let it melt my insides, it all feels so cold with you gone.” I put my hand over her heart, feeling of a pulse that will never be there again. “I will wait every day for the day I get to see you again. But, until then,” I closed my eyes and recited the poem, the poem I memorized from the very first day I met her. The one I saw etched on the cover of her notebooks. “In life, I loved you dearly, In death, I love you still, in my heart you hold a place, no one else will ever fill.” A small, sad smile filled my pained face. I leaned in and kissed her forehead, pushing her auburn hair back from her beautiful face. It was a shame, nobody else will ever get to see her beautiful face alive. Never again.

I turned back towards my dad, not able to bear looking at her anymore. It was too much to see someone you loved so, in such a state. Tears were spilling over my eyelids like an overflowing dam. He also had tears in his eyes, sliding down his cheeks. He came forward and took me in, holding me tight. He held me tight enough that it felt like he was holding my soul together, keeping it from falling apart and shattering just like my heart. I buried my head in his chest as they took her away, as they cleaned up the room, and even as he carried me out to the car where I fell asleep crying in his arms.~

Author's Note

This is the final unedited part of my book. Jenna's brother (Rafael) killed himself just a week prior to the events of this excerpt. Devon died after getting a superbug infection that killed her within the span of a few hours. This went undetected by the doctors and staff in the hospital.

I hope this is enjoyable to read, there is still a lot I have yet to change. Honesty is appreciated! <3