Letter to the unknown

Excuse the chaotic lines as though I'm not entirely sure either. 

The last few months I've come to the realisation that I don't know where I'm going. It seems as though the human race is programmed to perform the same task over and over again. Right until we rest in a wooden box! How insane is that? Programmed to adhere to beauty standards, make good wealth. Going to work days on end like a robot, given two days to reboot. 

I've never truly felt human. Every time I make eye contact with someone I get stuck with the thoughts "are you even real? am I even real?" then I realise I'm just staring at them trying to figure my own mind out.To say its exhausting would be an understatement. I often consider what would the next phase will be like. Would it feel warm and kind? I sure hope so, I'm always cold. Oh and tired, very tired from trying to rewire my brain to function properly.  

I know what next phase presents when you start to pass over. I saw blue and green when I was stuck in that storm water drain. My lips were sealed tightly but the water starting going up my nose. I couldn't exactly move to save myself, I was truly stuck down there. As my body started to shut down to prevent me from feeling the pain of drowning, I saw such beautiful colours behind my eye lids. Sure it could have been the chemicals in my brain going haywire from the chaos, but I chose to believe it was the next phase showing its beauty. Almost as if it was welcoming me and trying not to scare the dying child.

I often think back to that accident, I was only seven when it happened yet sixteen years later I still remember every detail. The taste of dirty flood water pooling in my lungs. The sharp concrete threatening to become my tomb. The gulp of fresh air once I was finally ripped from deaths grips. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't been pulled free, would I finally be roaming around Transylvania? My bare feet running against the cobble stone floors of the ancient castle. 

My parents never thought much on my questions about death after that accident. I was desperate to know what happens to us after but no one could tell me! it frustrates me! I wanted to know what could have happened if I wasn't saved! I refuse to believe that our mind just goes blank and our corpse settles in a coffin buried under dirt with the grubs. I won't accept that answer. Sure enough I'll find out one day, whenever that may be. Until then I can picture where I'm going next, but I'm 99% sure I'm going to Transylvania or in the woods. I'm fine with either. 

Doesn't bother me if no one reads this. Its not meant for anyone in particular. 

It was either I use my time to write this or stare blankly at the trees near my house. Although I'm starting to suspect the neighbours are getting concerned as to why I'm just standing there eyeballing the trees for far too long. I just like to picture my ghost diving between the trees chasing terrified little animals. 

Anyway, goodnight!