Just Breathe

Short Story that still needs some work, incorporates/will incorporate mystery, romance, and supernatural elements.

                I am not breathing. My lungs fill with water and I feel myself sinking, but all I can think about is the fact that I am not breathing. 'This is not drowning,’ I tell myself, ‘drowning is different.’ But how would I know? I have never drowned.

                A loud and ominous boom fills my ears, the crack of vicious thunder above the surface of the lake. I feel the lake bed now, a soft and sticky pillow of mud and silt. I hear a somewhat distant burbling, someone making a desperate underwater cry.

                Magically, my body floats upward until a flailing silhouette meets my eye. I can barely make out any facial features, but I already know I am seeing myself. Drowning, sinking, pleading for help. I watch my body sink until swallowed by the darkness of the depth, leaving only a trail of bubbles. My viewpoint drifts, down down down, until the moonlight flickers over a face paler than the moon itself. Me again. I reach down, slowed by the water to feel a pulse, a heartbeat, but I know I am dead. But if I am dead, how can I see? Feel? Know?

                My body is still and lifeless, pale and slightly blue with the effects of hypothermia. Suddenly I--the dead one-- begin rising, my body fluttering upward as though gravity has suddenly reversed. I am drawn towards it, curious and confused. As I near the surface of the lake along with my body, the color returns to the skin that had once been blue, I can literally see the blood recirculating.  My now alive body breaks the water’s surface, and�"everything goes black.

 

~

 

                I gasp and my eyes burst open. I am trembling, splashing around and coughing up lake water. What has happened? I do not understand, only moments before I was so calm, and suddenly I am terrified.  ‘Deep breaths,’ I coax myself into relaxing. I float on my back until I steady my breathing and heart rate, then prepare to return to shore when an invisible force whips me back under by my waist.

                I suck in a gulp of air that quickly turns to into water and choke on the liquid I inhaled. I struggle again, kicking and screaming and punching at the empty water that surrounds me. 

Author's Note

The story is still in progress, but what elements do you think I should add? Where should I take the story that would be exciting/interesting to you?

Reviews

[CMaxwell]

I like it. You should add more, revealing what the force is that's drowning you, why you're in the lake and such. Good job.

[Lauren Pauly]

Thank you so much! I was definitely planning on turning this story into more of a supernatural thing, associating with the force that is drowning me. As for the background, I am looking into doing a sort of "flashback" perspective, or inserting some memories that help to explain the past, what is going on in the meantime, etc. Do you think that would go with the story or do you have a better idea? Your feedback is much appreciated, thank you so much.
-Lauren

[CMaxwell]

I think that maybe while the drowning is going on have a flashback to past memories, explaining the characters background more and the reason she was in the lake in the first place, to get the reader more attached to the drowning victim. Also in life or death circumstances people tend to have flash backs to someone that they love or a fond childhood memory. I think that if you did a flashback to a somewhat childhood memory it would make the reader feel more for her, seeing her as a child. Just some ideas.

[Lauren Pauly]

Thank you so much! I definitely had not thought of incorporating a childhood memory, but now that you say it I will definitely try putting it in with the story. Again, thank you so much for you suggestions.
-Lauren

[CMaxwell]

No problem, glad I am able to help!