What does it feel like?

if i ask you
would you tell me
what it felt like
when you held me

if i showed you
would you see it
what it looks like
when i commit

if i told you
would you listen
what it sounds like
when my heart sings

if i touch you
would you shiver
what does it feel like
when i quiver

if you listen
you would hear
I am shaken
i am near

if you listen
you would hear
i am opposed
to your sneer

if i asked you
would you tell me
how it felt
when you compelled me?

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

I like the flow of this poem; short, well-metered lines that allowed for rhythm and pause that let the message sink in. The only halt in the flow was in the last stanza. A suggestion:

if i asked you
would you tell me
how it felt
when you compelled me

This is a great write!

[lMarling]

Thank you! very useful review - it really helps to have a fresh eye look at it critically.

[Rita L. Sev]

You're welcome! That's why we are here! :)

[Pollai]

Again, your flow is great. The questions are a great form and that consistency makes it a good read. The meter is sound and I could feel a rise and fall in the rhythm of this piece which was carried throughout.

In this and your other piece the simplicity coupled with the flow is what I really enjoyed. This stanza is a great example:

if you listen
you would hear
I am shaken
i am near

No need for complex vocabulary or hidden meanings, or use of analogies, nor any metaphors. Yet I found it to be powerful and deep nonetheless.

Well done, a nice little piece on this site. Keep 'em comin' :)

[lMarling]

Thank you, Pollai.

I am glad you like it, that's actually my favourite part of the poem as well.

[Veronica Chandler]

Such a beautiful piece of life flowed out on to page, wonderful work.

[lMarling]

Thank you, really appreciate it.