Just don't go

I surrender, you exhaust me
you are quaint, you are asleep
i want to want it, to agree to your plea
but you are surrounded by debris

I am a stranger to my whims
I go one way and then another to swim
she called me, sang me a hymn
i go ways away, two ways is limp

i went ways away from my usual block
drawing my soldiers and desires in chalk
i felt the feel, walked the walk
was told yours was the better stock

I am a stranger, you are strange
you want my love; deranged
but, I can give you this in exchange:
stay, and I will shelter your wage

stay, and we can be something.

Reviews

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

This has an interesting feel and an apt concept. I like the language choice and the phrasing, and the flow is quite nice. The last stanza really brings it all together:

I am a stranger, you are strange (I would suggest a -- at the end of this line because it otherwise hangs)
you want my love; deranged(,)
but(no comma here) I can give you this in exchange:
stay(not comma here) and I will shelter your wage

Great stanza...the emotional feeling here is spectacular. So, other than a few punctuation issues, this is really well done.

[Rita L. Sev]

drawing my soldiers and desires in chalk
i felt the feel, walked the walk
was told yours was the better stock...

Loved this. A sense of keeping your own dreams easily removed in favored of another's. Well done!

[Idealistic Annie]

The last stanza is Brilliant!! Really enjoyed reading this.

[gombeggar]

strange but interesting wording...I like it

[SyberRose]

Nicely penned...enjoyed reading...:)

[Sami Khalil]

A nice read and write...Thank you for sharing...:)

[iandyou.]

the last paragraph is just magnificent! very nicely written , but what exactly do you mean when you say "i go ways away" , just asking out of curiosity! very well structured! :)

[lMarling]

Thank you for the feedback :)

I wrote it a while back, so might not remember accurately. but "i go ways away/going ways away from my usual block" is about stepping out of my comfort zone, and allowing vulnerability. "two ways is limp" is about not questioning or back tracking, not taking "two ways", just putting it all in. Hope that makes sense.

[iandyou.]

ah got it ! yup made sense :)

[Pollai]

This is amazing. Your flow is exquisite. Its so simple yet elegant. I really enjoyed this from the beginning to the end.

"I am a stranger, you are strange
you want my love; deranged
but, I can give you this in exchange:
stay, and I will shelter your wage"

Fantastic.

[lMarling]

Thank you for the response, really appreciate it. Will hopefully write some new ones too.