Just don't go

I surrender, you exhaust me
you are quaint, you are asleep
i want to want it, to agree to your plea
but you are surrounded by debris

I am a stranger to my whims
I go one way and then another to swim
she called me, sang me a hymn
i go ways away, two ways is limp

i went ways away from my usual block
drawing my soldiers and desires in chalk
i felt the feel, walked the walk
was told yours was the better stock

I am a stranger, you are strange
you want my love; deranged
but, I can give you this in exchange:
stay, and I will shelter your wage

stay, and we can be something.

Reviews

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

This has an interesting feel and an apt concept. I like the language choice and the phrasing, and the flow is quite nice. The last stanza really brings it all together:

I am a stranger, you are strange (I would suggest a -- at the end of this line because it otherwise hangs)
you want my love; deranged(,)
but(no comma here) I can give you this in exchange:
stay(not comma here) and I will shelter your wage

Great stanza...the emotional feeling here is spectacular. So, other than a few punctuation issues, this is really well done.

[Einstein Noodle]

"I am a stranger, you are strange" really like that ..what an incredibly complex, unique love poem .. not sure what to think of your characters ..so i swim as well ;) i think the mix in this relationship may be headed for disaster for your hero ..he is patient beyond good sense .. i expect him to be frustrated and getting angry .. but he will do anything to keep her ..not a good deal .. in places i felt the beat of a song ... do you ever write them?
E.

[Ravyne Hawke]

I like the passiveness of the opening "I surrender, you exhaust me." And then the ending sums up the need and desperation of the protagonist. Everything in between shows how this relationship has changed the protagonist. I get the sense of obsessive behavior on both parts.

[Anum Khan]

Very delightful to read. I am a sucker for good endings and this one - perfect. I would agree with Girl Friday on punctuation issues, but I enjoyed the creativity.

[Baby Ricochet]

Good one. Applause all around the world.

[Rahul]

Nice and great rhyming write. Loved this piece you chosen to write. I loved two lines much
I am a stranger, you are strange
you want my love; deranged....these lines're great and having an impact ...a real impact.
keep writing such kinda nice piece's with your rhyme.

[TL Boehm]

this is lyrical and would easily lend itself to music. Well penned.

[Mike Emil]

HAI!!!
so many are asleep
something must be done!!!
shinobi!!!

[Inda]

Love the last line, the desperation really shines trough and the honesty is painfully accurate, lets be something, anything. It doesn't matter what as long as you stay. Great piece!