If I Said These Words Out Loud, They Might Just Kill Me Anyway

The news was on my television the other day

they were talking about a girl that had passed away

she had took her own life at the young age of 11

then my mother said that people who commit suicide are cowards

I wanted to tell her that I think of death all the time

that I sometimes write lists entitled ‘ways to die’

I wanted to show her the reason I always wear long sleeves

I wanted to spill my guts out on the floor

for her to see:

my mother

who no longer knows a thing about me.

I wanted to show her that I’ve stopped being her innocent child

that I’m now a broken girl disguised by all these smiles

I wanted her to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright

just like when I was a kid and had a horrible dream at night.

But I kept my mouth shut because she’d never understand

why I want to die at my own hand

because to her I’m still her little baby girl

still protected from the dangers of the world

so I’ll keep up my pretence, hide the fact that I am broken

I’ll turn the television over and act like she’d never even spoken.