four

A Chapter by Laur

four

now

"Lilly, stop, this isn't something you want to do" Ash held onto my wrist as i wriggled away and towards my destination. I could hear her gaining behind me. The smell of the cigarette smoke and dew made me feel worse. I walked all the way to my house. The party we were at, wasn't working for me anymore; too many people, too many memories. The second I saw my blue grey house I let out a sigh of relief. My door couldn't swing open sooner. I left it open, knowing Ashley was most likely behind me my whole rebellious walk through the city. Three in the morning isn't the time to be roaming the streets here. She was going to be livid. I could feel my stomach swirling; full of green apple vodka and the few shots i took in hopes of not thinking of you for once. You monster.

My head hit hard as I leaned against the teal bathroom tiled wall. I heard Ashley slamming the front door. That's when I finally gave in. As mad as I knew she was going to be, I wanted her to know I cared she was home. I felt my legs wobbling as I fell to my bare knees. Before I even let out my first heave, I felt my hair being moved from the sides of my clammy face. I couldn't ask for a better best friend. The second it was over I looked up, leaning against the cold bathtub wall.

"I'm so sorry." the tears were already filling my copper eyes.

"Lil, what is going on? Did you two talk?" She sat cross legged and looked deeply concerned.

"Yeah..last night. He sent me this message that had so much stuff in it that had...yanno OUR jokes." I couldn't find the right words. They were in my head. I was just too intoxicated to let them flow out. Not too intoxicated to let my tears flow though, oh no. That's when I felt it. It had been at least a month. It almost feels like pain, like someone it repeatedly telling me I'm not good enough. Like hell. My whole head aches, my body cringes. Only Ash has seen me like this. Then, the only words that always go through my mind, on repeat.

"Why was is so easy for him?" I let my head hit my knees. "Why was I not worth it? Am I that easy to just let go of? He decided that three years in, I was just some other girl...it makes me feel worthless." I couldn't stop the tears from pouring out of my eyes. Black stained tears began to land all over the bathroom floor.

"Lil, don't do this to yourself." She pulled me in.

"I loved him more than anything. He was all I cared about.." I felt her hands brushing my hair. The pain wasn't ever going to go away.

"He's too proud. You are beautiful and life isn't fair." She shushed me as I felt the shaking begin to slow down.

"I wish i believed that." I felt the pain in my sides begin to dissipate. This was beginning to get worse really. At first, I was fine. It's almost as if the longer he is gone, the more I remembered.

Then

The words flowed out as if they had been sitting there on his tongue for years. It was like I had been waiting for some news I knew was about to come, but hadn't been released. It couldn't have been more perfect. Our toes touching as they buried themselves in the warm summer sand.

"I love you too Dylan." I wanted to say those words since I met him.

With both hands on my face he pulled me in gently. My lips met his; supple and tasting of salt water. I let my face linger there while just breathing him in, our lips just barely touching. I wanted to remember this moment. I couldn't ever forget. This was the first time, I knew. I knew the words just weren't words. It meant more. I meant I would die for you, I would do anything, I want to be with you forever. So scary, yet so true and pure. It was the last day we had before we were off to college. I got something beautiful, in return, I leave it tomorrow. It was almost like hearing that, I had my security. I had that piece of mind that I was truly his for the long haul. He had me.

As I sat there and watched his peaceful face watch the serene waves, I let my hand find his under the sandy beach and laid my head on his. He brought me all the way to my favorite place, to say the words he knew I needed to hear. This was the love of my life. This was my piece of heaven.

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© 2014 Laur

Author's Note

This is actually very tough for me to write, so bear with me if I have to stop sometimes and continue tomorrow. I feel it needs to be written, but that doesn't mean its easy. I hope you are all enjoying. feedback appreciated.

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Meraki

This makes me hurt. That broken heart just broke again I almost cried too. I'm too proud to cry sadly but that brought tears to my eyes. It caused me to remember all those times I thought I was worth it to someone and it turned out to be a lie. It does hurt and for you to write this and yea kudos to you.