A Simple Valediction

A poem that is... just a simple valediction...

We've all used that word,

the simple word "farewell",

but "farewell" doesn't quite fit this time;

For as the clock ticks slowly,

as time passes by,

the only word that seems to fit

is not "farewell" but "goodbye".

"Farewell" implies a peaceful parting,

much like "until we meet again,"

but I don't think we'll meet again.

"Goodbye", to me, makes more sense

because I won't be seeing you again.

You have to know I love you,

but I can't keep hurting you.

So don't look for me tomorrow

'cause I won't be around,

but maybe things can be different

when our next life comes around.

Maybe I won't hurt you,

and maybe I won't make you cry.

Everything is ready now.

I'm ready to die.

And, if this hurts you, I'm sorry,

but this is my last goodbye.

Author's Note

Yes, I AM depressed, but NO I'm not seriously considering suicide. This is a simple product of spending the weekend with my fiance and seeing how much my depression hurts him. I'm not going to kill myself. This is one of the ways I keep myself from doing that. Now that that's all been cleared up, enjoy the poem.

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

This is quite a quietly moving poem, I imagine the speaker slipping out while the person they are whispering to is sleeping. The sentiment is easy to relate to, I think everyone has at least wondered if someone would be better off without them.

A couple of things bothered me though, the random rhyming/almost rhymes and some of the repetition.

On lines 5 and 7, 'passes bye and 'but goodbye' almost rhyme and feel wonky.

On lines 20, 22, and 24, 'cry,' 'die' and 'goodbye' rhyme but the rhythm doesn't lend itself to rhyming as such so it feels lopsided when I read it, like the poem is trying to force itself into a pair of pants that are a size too small.

On lines 9,10, and 12 at the end 'again' is repeated but seems to be a random occurrence that accidentally steals focus.

Same thing on lines 13 and 14 with 'you' (the 'you' on line 19 didn't seem to connect with these two so wasn't a problem) and on lines 16 and 18 with 'around.

Again I really liked the poem, but you might want to look at the things mentioned!

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Saerdes Rae]

I'm always open to constructive criticism, like I try to mention on everything I post (because I don't want anyone to feel like they can't criticize my writing), and I really do appreciate your opinions. However, because I actually wrote this for my fiance and gave it to him, I'm not going to make any corrections because I feel like that would kind of alter the sentiment. With the things I give him, I write through my feeling, and whatever ends up on the page usually doesn't get changed. I'm really glad you liked it, though, and if it was different, I would definitely look into making some changes. Thanks so much for reading ^-^