The Man Who Wanted to be a Heron

A comedy about a man fighting a Heron.

He never understood how Herons managed to get the fish from his grand pond. Sure, in the early days when he was an amateur pond owner, it was easy. The shallow, over filled water, had been a feast for hungry visitors. But over the years he had refined his art and created clever hide-outs, mixed depths, smaller shoals, thicker vegetation, camouflaged netting, model birds and even sound effects to narrow the chances of his precious fish friends ending up on the Heron buffet.

 

Over the past few months he had been observing the Heron, he had decided it was probably the same one, returning to the pond and helping himself to fresh fish. It would stand quietly, for hours and suddenly burst into action, leaping forward into the water and catch a well fed Golden Orfe. Seldom would he come up empty.

 

Although he got irritated with having to buy new fish on a regular basis, only to see Oscar (he had decided to name the antagonist) dine on them, he couldn’t possibly move himself to scare off Oscar in a more aggressive way. Risking a full-blown feud with the large bird did not seem like a good idea so instead he decided to increase the line of defence for his fish.

 

After he’d finished his third sherry, he got up from his garden chair ready to move forward with his cunning plan. In order to protect his fish, he had to think like the enemy. Knowing his every move and study the response from his troops when faced by their attacker. Excited by his new plan he marched towards the pond.

 

The battlefield was a small wooden decking area from which the Heron would often commence his attacks. And so, he too would stand on the decking and start understanding the psyche of Oscar.

 

The fish had been fed earlier in the day and would not find his presence a reason to surface. The fountain, a previously carefully planted decoy against the Heron was in motion as were all other accessories. As such, he had the unique opportunity to study the fish in their natural environment.

 

As he stood on the decking and leaned forward, the fish scattered and hid in the numerous hide-outs he had created. They used the tunnels and vegetation to make their escape and the splattering fountain had seemed like a good decoy. He still didn’t understand how Oscar could be such a lethal assassin.

 

It dawned on him that he had been doing it all wrong. In his excitement, he had forgotten that Herons are lean birds, fold their wings tightly against their body and stand on one leg. So, he realised that to truly mimic a stalking attack by Oscar he would need to get into character.

 

He touted his lips as much as he could to resemble Oscar’s beak, he combed his hair back, wrapped his arms around his back and carefully stepped up on the decking. He then continued and lifted one leg, bending it backwards from knee height. Now, the spitting image of Oscar he was ready to play his part and leaned forward…

 

What followed was a loud crash, followed by unintelligible swearing, as he fell into the pond landing head first. His leg was caught by the decking and pain was shooting through his body. The throbbing leg was dislocated and loosely hanging between his waist and the water edge. His mouthful of water and lilies, he screamed for help.

 

The first responder was a big grey fellow, loudly clapping his wings upon arriving to the scene and with a disapproving look on his face disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

Author's Note

I hope this makes you laugh. Please do comment and review, I appreciate the feedback.

Reviews

[Shannon]

Very much made me laugh. I have a suggestion.

Consider showing us the conception, execution and failure of one of the deterrents. It's more fun to read when shown instead of told. And it invests us in our character more.

That being said, enjoyable, well written and humorous. A clear writing voice well used here.

[Mike]

Thanks for your very useful suggestion! I'll have a play with that and update. Glad it made you laugh!