A Void in the Heart

“Hey human girl. How was it to have a demons child?” A boy with wings asked the fourteen year old sitting beside him.

“My name isn't Human girl and don't call me that. I don't want to be labeled like that. It feels weird to be honest I want to be able to hate this thing for causing all this pain among other things, but I don't. This girl gives me warmth inside me and I don't want her or this feeling to go away ever. They're going to take her away from me aren't they?” The winged boy sat silently unable to answer her. The girl felt a burst of emotions that she never felt before. Anger, joy and pain intensified in her chest making her feel irrational causing tears to plummet down her face.

“There is one way.” He looked at the ceiling. His expression was broken as he pat the girls head.

“There is?!” The girl looked up her face soaked in tears as she jumped at this small chance. “How do we do it?” Her smile was radiant, blasting her emotions deep inside the winged boy's glance.

“You see half-breeds are born with nothing and will live with nothing til the day they die, however it is possible to extract the parents essence and...”

“That doesn't really tell me how we escape this situation. I guess we are stuck here and we won't...” She sighed and looked down at her child once more.

“If you let me finish once we do that the demon parent loses their self-control and is virtually unstoppable for a short time.” She looked up excited at a chance to escape this hell hole.

“Lets do it so we can escape this place and take care of her together.” The winged boy held her mouth signaling her to let him finish.

“You lose something precious to all humans.” She looked at him urging him to go on, but it was something dreadful. “You lose your ability to feel emotions, your brain will take a drastic hit but because of its complexity I don't know how, and you lose your sight as well.”

“That’s it? I can't see, can't feel and I lose a bit of my brain so what? Its everything I wanted. Being human is absolutely the worst thing that I can be. If I can be a robot like monster than so be it, make it happen.” Her eyes filled with determination. She looked at the demon boy's soul and was unfazed by it.

“But...” She took her hand and covered his mouth.

“How do you do it?” He removed her hand and leaned in closer til their faces were inches apart.

“The same way I made this child mine.” His lips touched hers making the barely lit room shake violently. The light-bulb light roared in response forcing the people outside check on the room. “Be right back so til then stay quiet til then okay.” The winged boy stood up smiling using his hand to tell the girl to sit back. Two scientists went to check on the room one looked through the open gate while the other held a tranquilizer gun. They noticed that a small shadow steadily getting bigger from underneath the door. It moved itself outside and began to form a human like shape. The girl stood up and looked out of the little hole seeing the boy outside.

“What the hell are you? Tell us and we will shoot you.” The winged boy smiled while looking at at all the scientists.

“Many things my friend. But I am what you call god.” The winged boy stepped forward and all the scientists stepped back. “Now run before I kill you all. I'll give you a five second head start. Five” He grabbed the hands of man holding the tranquilizer and tore them off. His wings buzzed as it began to devour the hands and the scientists were entranced by the amount disgust before them. The baby began to cry and it alarmed the boy. He wasn't himself his calm nurturing nature was gone. The girl settled down the child by covering her ears and gently rocking her back to sleep.

“Y-you monster!” The boy held his hand up showing them the number four. They all ran out of the room hoping to escape them, but the wings were too fast. They latched themselves onto the walls and chased the scientists out the room.

“Three.” The wings engulfed the room the boy stood in. By now all of the scientists. have left the room and tried to escape into the hallway. He got on one knee and touched the ground. He saw everything that the scientists had built. There wasn't anything that could be called human in the building. All the victims were in pain shouting from the top of their lungs and it reached the boy. They wanted revenge, to be freed from this pain and finally leave this place. Toxins were released from the vents trying to stop the boy's rampage. A small part of his wings covered the door and the opening not allowing a gas molecule through the door. The boy grit his teeth and took a deep breath ignoring its damaging effects.

“Two.” The darkness spread throughout the floors devouring the scientists when they contact it. With every moment that passed the wings got more violent as time passed on. They were hungry and wanted more and more. It wasn't enough to just devour the scientists and experiments it wanted more. The boy lifted his arm letting out a maniacal laugh as he slammed the ground.

“One. Times up.” The building became engulfed in the dark wings and it was dead silent. Whether you were inside or out all you saw was black. It was so dark that you couldn't see you own hands inches from your face. The girl was scared holding the child in her arms. She didn't know what to do and was scared of what was going to happen next.

“Help me. I don't want to be alone.” Suddenly something gently grabbed the child from her hands. “Where are you?! Give her back!” However silence was the only thing surrounding her. Suddenly she felt footsteps coming from in front of her. It was right in her face and wouldn't move out of the way.

“Shh. Its okay I am here. No one will hurt you now they are all gone.” It was him again the winged boy holding close to his chest. She felt his arm lead her and followed without hesitation. When the boy stopped she could hear him turn around and give her a hug. “You know they will chase you right no matter where you go. I will protect you and this child however you must kill with me.”

“It would be weird if I wasn't allowed to kill these wretched hairless apes.” She heard a loud creak, but she recognized it. It was the door that she walked through when she first arrived here. When she walked through she felt the wind blow through her hair the smell of grass filling her nostrils. She felt the sun soak her skin and it was everything she dreamed. However it didn't last very long her vision soon blurred making her head spin viciously and fell onto the ground, but as powerful as the headache was it soon faded away.

“So it begins now. I told you it was a heavy price, but you wanted it. Was it everything you wanted?” She opened her eyes and everything had changed. The trees and buildings were now a lifeless purple color without any distinct features. The sun was a small orange dot that she could see as well everything else. The boy and child were a multitude of colors that change frequently however one thing stayed the same. Their hearts were a radiant blue that didn't change at all. She no longer saw his or her daughter's face, but the figures.

“Eyes weird. Heart blue. Good.” She covered her mouth in shock of her speech pattern. “Child name?”

“We never gave her one did we? I like Alexandra or Elizabeth or something Greek like Amethyst.” He turned to the girl and she stared at him. Her face didn't have an expression however the aura surrounding her was more than enough to frighten the winged boy.

“Lily name.” She grabbed the child from his arms.

“But Ale...”

“Lily name. You husband. I mom.” He smiled and the two walked off holding their child, knowing that the times ahead would be tough, but they will endure as long as they protect this one girl.

“Lets not Lily see our darker sides agree?”

“Yes.”

Reviews

[Kurayami]

Perhaps a larger font size?

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

I tried but it ended up messing up the format completely.

[Kurayami]

Okay. That's fine.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

"labeled " - labelled* (second line)

"Their going to take her away from me aren't they?" - They're*

"Tears plummeted from her " - This needs to have a full stop or comma or something.

"“There is!?” - ? before !

" I guess we are stuck here and we won't..." - The sentence should end with a fullstop the "..." does not make sense here.

"“If you let me finish once we do that the demon parent loses their self-control and is virtually unstoppable for a short time.” - There needs to be a comma after "finish".

"signaling" - Signalling*

"“You lose something as well something precious to all humans.” - You need a comma after "well".

"robot like monster" - should be robot-like-monster

" Two scientists went to check on the room one looks through the open gate while the other held a tranquilizer gun" - Should be "looked" you've changed tenses here.

"“What the hell are you? Tell us and we will shoot you.” " - I think you mean "or" not "and".

"He grabbed that hands of man holding the tranquilizer and tore them off." - The hands not that.

"He saw everything that the scientists have built." - Had* again wrong tense.

"They wanted revenge, to be freed from this pain, and finally leave this place. " - No comma required before "and".

"The darkness spread throughout the floors devouring the scientists when they contact it." - Sentence needs revising does not make sense.

"“Where are you! Give her back!” " Where are you needs a question mark.

"However only silence was the only thing surrounding her." - Overuse of theword "only".


"ignoring its damaging affects." - effects*

"The girl was scared holding the child in her arms. She didn't know what to do and was scared of what was going to happen next.

“Help me. I'm scared.” - Overuse of the word "scared".

"“It would be weird if I wasn't allow to kill these wretched hairless apes.”" - Allowed*

"It was the door that she first entered when she got to this place." - Sentence needs revising.

"The boy and child were a multitude of colors that change frequently however one thing stayed the same. " - Changed*

"but the shapes of their body." - Shape or Bodies pick one.

"We never gave her one did we" - Question mark needed.

"Her face didn't express it but a chill ran up the demons spine for the first time in his life." - Gender confusement here!!

Overall this is much better than the first draft, I think the length is appropriateand the story makes a lot more sense making the reader want to continue on. I would suggest using a larger variety of adjectives.

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

Thank you for taking the time to show my mistake, but I was taught labeled and signaling was written this way(Maybe a difference in region probably.) So i didn't know about that. And I wanted the scientist the say and we will shoot you for a reason so thats why it was there. Other than that I tried to fix most of the issues and I am grateful you put so much work into your review thank you very much.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

You're very welcome :) I'm glad you appreciated it.

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

If you didn't point it the many times i repeated words or when something didn't sound right i would've never noticed it myself cause I'm the author and I am blind to it. I am truly grateful

[SabrinaZ]

This is a creative set up. You repeat a lot, like when the boy says,"'... or at least I hope I can keep these two out of it. At least I hope I can.'" you do not need to do this. I do not know if I am suppose to be confused, but I am a little confused on what is going on. You should describe the room more to give a setting. I know you are trying to be creative with wording but just try to keep the descriptions simple. You did not describe how the two girls were reacting to everything that was going on. I just pictured them indifferent. I personally would make them seem terrified and maybe a little reluctant to go with the mystery demon boy. This is interesting, you have a good idea. You can make this into a wonderful story!

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

I see. I will add more to this because many have told me that this is too short and many more things could be added and i think it helps alot. Thank you and I will try to add more onto this and edit it as I go.

[CC Faye]

“Where do you think you’re going?”
(You should add, 'a boy with wings said,' before you connect the ' the lab...")

He seemed to enjoy himself as they begged for mercy, but it was already too late. One woman tried to break the windows with one of the chairs, but with the steel locks online nothing could be done so she slammed on the windows and begged for help, but there was none. She turned to see her hunter stand before her, but before she could beg for forgiveness his wings morphed into a spear and punctured her body killing her instantly.
(Avoid repetition of 'but there was none' Try to change sentences to avoid repetition of words.) (Add commas to break the sentences. Readers don't want to read sentences that don't have commas)
(AvoId using exaggerated words. 'she turned to see her hunter stand before her.' Try to stick to one word, "she turned to see 'the boy towering above her')

“Isn't it time that you stop running like chickens with their head cut off and accept judgment.”
(Confusing dialogue. Try to keep it simple, like. "Can't you stop running like chickens and just face judgement?")

One reached for the safety axed while another pulled a gun from the coat and shot as many bullets as he could, but the boy didn't seem fazed.
(Break the sentences. Ex: One reached for the safety of the axe, and the other pulled a gun, constantly shooting at the boy, though it didn't seemed to have any effect on him.) (Again, add commas)

The boy grabbed the man by his neck and tore his head from his neck. The demon boy dismantled the gun instantly and turned to the one holding the axe.
(Add the condition of the character. Since he is unaffected by the bullets, you can add something like, 'the unharmed boy grabbed the man by his neck, and savagely tore the head, tossing teh gun on the ground. Next, he turned to the man holding an axe.) (Always keep it simple. Try to cut sentences and not add them continuously)

All you’re doing is killing us, how is that judgment upon us? This is just a slaughter.”
(Add the character who is speaking. It confuses the readers.) ('This is slaughter!") (Avoid using just, add it when necessary)

“True but It is judgment based on your actions. Forced or not you chose to be a part of this hell hole.”
(Confusing sentence. Keep it simple. 'True, but it is (italic and capitalized judgement, so readers will know that it is an important word) and so on." (Again, add who is speaking in this sentence then add space to the next sentence to separate the scenes)

The child smiled like someone receiving a gift for the first time and smeared the scientist against the walls filling the room with an organic dark red paint.
(Stick with 'boy." Don't use different words for your main character.) (Rewrite this sentence) (Try to say, The boy grinned darkly and threw his victims on the walls, smearing the room with their blood) (Be realistic)

The wings surrounded his victims limb by limb and devoured the til the room was spotless. The air filled with the scent of iron faded to nothing.
(Use a thesaurus) (The wings 'swallowed his victims until the room was spotless) (Everything went back to normal, you could say)

The dark angel ripped the locks off the door which revealed two girls, one of them was no more than fifteen and the other was merely an infant. The boy limped out of the laboratory inhaling in the toxin within his wings with each step. He found it hard to breathe making him feel dizzy. As he held the youngest in his arms, it gave him comfort because she was too young to remember this day. However the oldest wasn't as lucky as the younger one. The older girl continued to hold his hand even after they had escaped onto the outside world and followed him silently; while the youngest had fallen asleep. The youngest showed no concern, but he patted her head making him feel relaxed.
(Stick to 'boy')
(The boy ripped every lock on the door, revealing two girls.) (After that, add period. Then continue the next sentience)
(The boy staggered out of the laboratory, the wings inhaling the toxin as he took another step.)

The older girl continued to hold his hand even after they had escaped onto the outside world and followed him silently; while the youngest had fallen asleep. The youngest showed no concern, but he patted her head making him feel relaxed.
(Add comma) (Don't add a semi colon, use comma) (How could the youngest girl showed no concern if the boy was patting her head?) (Rewrite)

“I guess I have a new objective now. I might as well fight against hell, or at least I hope I can keep these two out of it. At least I hope I can.” The oldest looked at him with admiration. “I don’t plan on leaving.” Even though he felt like hell he never once tried to show pain on his face. It was a smile that showed on his face that day and one that he will never be able to get out of his mind.

(The dialouge is a little wobbly. Try to rewrite it again. Before you write this dialogue, add some hints on where he came from. Why is he going to fight in hell?)
(Add some scenes for character development. Like the girl and the boy.) (You cannot just tell, "I don't plan on leaving," without getting to know the boy who killed every people in the lab. (Share some details. Are the girls prisoners? Experiments?)
(It was a smile that showed on his face that day and one that he will never be able to get out of his mind.)
)Confusing setence) (How could he can never get the smile out of his mind, if he can't see his smile?)

Phew! I'm sorry if it took so long for me to review. Wow, this is my longest one.
I like the starting. Just make it a little bit longer and a few developments. Like the theme.
I love to see this story in the future, since I'm a fan of insane and juvenile fiction, especially a character who is immortal and nasty.

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

Thank you I will try my best to fix as many things as I can and work on changing some of the grammatical errors.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

"He seemed to enjoy himself as they begged for mercy" - he seemed to be enjoying himself*

"chairs, but with the steel locks online nothing could be done so she slammed on the windows and begged for help, but there was none." - Rethink comma use.

"“Isn't it time that you stop running like chickens with their head cut off and accept judgment." - Heads* plural also there should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.

"True but It is judgment based on your actions" - no capital for "it"

"The man swung his axe at the boy's head, but before the edge touched him the wings began to devour the axe." - no comma needed as well as a "but".

"The wings surrounded his victims limb by limb and devoured the til the room was spotless." - This sentence makes no sense and needs revising.

"in the toxin within his wings with each step" - no use of the word "in" required.

"As he held the youngest in his arms, it gave him comfort because she was too young to remember this day. However the oldest wasn't as lucky as the younger one. The older girl continued to hold his hand even after they had escaped onto the outside world and followed him silently; while the youngest had fallen asleep. The youngest showed no concern, but he patted her head making him feel relaxed." - no comma needed in first line, a comma needed before "however" instead of a full stop, over use of the word "youngest" in the paragraph which generally makes no sense and looks like a lazy finish to the scene.

"“I guess I have a new objective now. I might as well fight against hell, or at least I hope I can keep these two out of it. At least I hope I can.” " - full stops and commas all wrong in this sentence revise.

"Even though he felt like hell he never once tried to show pain on his face." - overuse of the word "hell" unless you are really trying to portray this character as Satan from the beginning which is the impression i am getting, also it should read "never showed pain" or "he tried not to show pain".

"It was a smile that showed on his face that day and one that he will never be able to get out of his mind." - Overuse of the phrase "on his face" which we see only in the sentence before and "out of his mind" which I'm sure was not too far behind..."

Overall I like the story so far, it is interesting and dark but this is far too short for a chapter I would advise you to correct your grammatical errors and apply yourself in use of vocabulary particularly adjectives.

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

Thank you for this depth of criticism I'll try my best to correct this and take your advice on making this a little longer.

[luvs2write]

Very interesting! I'm guessing the boy is Kurokami, but I wasn't sure because it was in third person. If you don't switch it to first, I suggest you mention his name. Maybe the oldest girl could ask him? It's just a thought, nothing big. =)
Some suggestions...
In the second paragraph the first sentence should end in a question mark rather than a period.

Some of your sentences seem a little wordy...for example, "The oldest looked at him with admiration hoping to stay by his side so without hesitation she asked him to stay by her side." You could shorten this to something more like "The oldest looked at him with admiration and asked to stay by his side". It might make it easier on the reader. There were a few others like this, but if you read over it I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find them.
This is really cool! I'm having fun reading it. Keep writing!! =)

[One Lost Anti-Hero]

I understand and I changed it a bit. I am not sure that its better, but i hope it did.

[luvs2write]

This is good. There were a few places where you repeated some things, but I'm sure you'll find them if you scan over it. The only suggestion I have so far is dialogue. You want to make sure that the dialogue is believable, or else the story won't be very relatable. Try talking it out...you might feel a little weird, but reading the conversations out loud can really help. Keep writing!!