A Dance in the Sky

Love is like gravity, at times it can pull lovers together, and at times it scrambles everything around into chaos.

 

At first, there was nothing. A great big blackness. 

A breathtaking sight to behold.

Infinite as the dreams of men, It would span for lightyears on without end, reaching to the corners of the universe.

 

 

..And then came the stars. 

At first there were only two. A couple of burning, enthralling lights. They had not one color, but a thousand colors. Red, Green, White, and between. Everything in one eternal flame of creation.

 

Then came the Great Light. An undying ball of fire and creation in the midst of all the blackness. The chaotic light brought forth the suns. It ushered an unbelievble age of light. Tens of thousands of suns would mark their presnece in various parts of our universe. They were gorgeous and marvelous to behold.

 

And so the planets began circling the suns. It came to be known as the Dance of the Sky. As many planets would hover and dance around their respective suns for aeons, creating a gorgeous sight filled with heart shaking movement. And all seemed well for a time. The planets were content expressing their love and devotion to the sun.

 

Except for one planet. A little blue planet that belonged to the Yellow sun. He would dance around her for ages, but his size was insignificant. And he didn't have the gigantic awe inspiring mass his brothers wielded.

 

Saddened and disheartened, he continued to wave around her, ever hoping for her affection.

 

There was his Moon. A beautiful white planet. But he could not see her. For she only went up at the turn of Dusk, and by then the Earth was in deep slumber. For years she danced around him, fretting for his attention. For she was in love. But she knew he longed and yearned for the far away sun.

 

And so for ages she would hail him with her affection, only to never be seen. Never to be heard.

And then came the Eclipse.

 

For the first time, the Moon appeared at the same time as the Sun. And the Earth was overjoyed. He looked in delight at the beautiful Moon, and he soon fell in love. He saw her dance in his midst, and his heart throbbed.

 

But the Moon was blinded by the Sun's light, and on that day, could not see the Earth. Nor could she hear him, for Planets could not speak.

 

That he loved her, she did not know,

Nor did she get to say goodbye,

But that my friend, is the Dance of the Sky.

Reviews

[kitty blur]

This was such a fantastic piece of work. Where do I even start?

You gave a new spin to the creation of the universe, and my imagination loved that. I ended up picturing it like a masquerade, in a way. I pictured each planet was dancing for the Queen Sun and hoping to be in her good graces. The interactions between the moon and earth were like glances back and forth, with one looking only when the other was not, but both feel a gravitational pull (ha!) between them. Honestly a gorgeous take on love itself, and how it is literally a universal feeling.

Structurally, I think your inverted pyramid approach worked so nicely. You started broad and then brought it back down to a singular focus. Kept me interested in seeing where the story would go, because it gave it a direction and a purpose.

Very cool read. :) I'm glad that you categorized this as a poem instead of a story, because it has that poetic feel all over it.

[LastMonth]

Thanks a bunch for the review.
It's nice to hear that. It's one of my earlier writings (In english!) and I still like it quite alot.
Stargazing is amazing for a writing muse, and I had my share of time staring at the night's skies.
Gravity and love? Well, I think they are more alike then we understand.

Thanks again for the review Kitty.

[Atewhs]

Wow man, your imagination is so powerful and beautiful. Reading it was like lookin at universe with altogether different lens. U can write and that too very finely. Loved it :)

[LastMonth]

Thanks friend! I'm happy you like it.

[S. von Glaubitz]

How beautiful! It's like myth for the modern age's understanding of the universe, complete with questions of love and the soul. The writing does a nice job of reflecting that "In the beginning" style.

A few things I particualrly love: That great big blackness of the beginning being described as "infinite as the dreams of men". How big it starts before it all comes down to the little Moon and her feelings. The idea of love as gravity and holding the whole universe together.

And a few questions: Why is that one portion written in quotes? Also, you repeat the word "gorgeous" several times. Is that done on purpose?

I'm also not sure the first paragraph is necessary. It makes sense as a sort of introduction, but the context of the rest of the story makes it so I don't need to first be instructed to believe that the Earth and the Moon have souls. Maybe you can try to weave it into the story another way?

[LastMonth]

You know what, you're absolutly right.
I wrote this piece about two years back, when I was just starting to experiment with english. The 'Quote' marks are there because originally I had this as a story within a book I wrote. But I gave up on the book early on and decided that this story is lovely and I should keep it.

About the first paragrahp, you really hit spot on. You're right. I just read this again for the first time in a while and I'm removing it. Thank you.

[S. von Glaubitz]

Glad to be of help! Sorry to hear about giving up on the book, though. At least you saved this part!

[Gaia Octavia]

This piece is achingly and profoundly beautiful. I am genuinely in awe of it. Amazing work, my friend. The theme, imagery, haunting beauty, and delicatness with which you weave your story leaves the reader breathless. Truly, I don't even know what else to say.

I do just have to ask though: Did you write the quote "Love is like gravity, at times it can pull lovers together, and at times it scrambles everything around into chaos"? I think that is the most profoundly true statement (in many different ways) I have ever heard. And it's beautiful too.

[LastMonth]

Thanks for the review my friend.
And yeah, I think about all the 'Quotes' myself.
I'm glad you liked it.

[Tristesse]

LastMonth,

Another wonderful piece of art, it's captivating and leaves you wanting more. The line "and then comes to stars", gives you a feeling that allows you to immerse yourself into the painting. How you ended it, how the Earth was overjoyed by the beauty the Moon possess. How love can bind even things you do not expect to show affection, and a strong message gained when the Moon was blinded by the Sun and could not see the Earth.

It's beautiful, simply outstanding. Please keep up the good work.

Best Regards,
Tristesse

[LastMonth]

You guys are making me blush.
Thanks alot for the review Tristesse. I appreciate it.

[Tristesse]

Thank you for the beautiful story. We appreciate you.
When you get some time, I just posted a story. You have great sense of talent, and I enjoy your criticism. Perhaps you can give me some constructive. Just note that it's working progress. I am just wanting to see if it's enjoyable enough to continue for people.

[barleygirl]

Your imagination is quite stellar, if you'll excuse the pun! All in all, I love the idea of the story, and your writing is well-crafted, but my technical writer's mind found a few little bumps. I think your story is fine as it is, since it's imaginary, and imaginary stories are allowed to be any way they come out of you.

But just in case you're curious, I'll tell you about the bumps. (1) you mention a few stars at first and then later, thousands of suns, as if these are different things -- but to me, stars are suns. (2) you introduce the blue planet, speak of it for awhile, then later you call it "earth" -- it seems better to introduce the blue planet as earth initially, so we know these are one and the same. (3) the moon is visible during the day, so it's hard to buy into your claim that the moon & sun were never in the sky at the same time. Regardless of my nitpicking, I really love your imaginative love story & especially bringing in the idea of an eclipse.

[LastMonth]

Whew! And here I thought the bumps were grammatical. Definetly my Achilles heel in writing in english.

Anyways,
Scientifcially -- Yeah. You're a hundred percents right. The Moon is so often visible during the day or twlight phases that this story's conflict shouldn't rightfully exist. I took great liberties with it, I suppose!

This is something I wrote early in 2014, when I was just first looking into the idea of writing in english, so early in my English phase it was, that I also have a Hebrew Version of this story sitting around somewhere.

At any rate, thank you kindly for the constructive review, it will be very helpful should I choose to reimagine this story!

Thanks a bunch Barley, always a pleasure.

[Woody]

and then came Man.
a good tender fantasy, written in the colour of love (I suppose). great imagination, LM. who's to know if it didn't happen exactly like that? I believe you're a star gazer. this must've come to you when you were watching the moon and stars at night. am I right?
another good one.

[LastMonth]

I spent three years aboard a ship in the Navy.
There was pleeeeeeenty of star gazing for me.
And you couldn't be more right with your assumption that it came to me at night.

Thank you for the review woods.