Purpose

The quest for purpose can last a lifetime. Achieving it can last even longer. But they never speak of the emptiness that follows.

That thing about purpose simply laid, it is not something that can be easily unmade. Everyone have their 

goals, destiny and fates, mine was harsher than most, as I figured out late.

She loved me. I knew that much with ease, and to care for her needs I will never cease. Her fingers were delicate, always held me with care, and to disobey her I would never dare. Her eyes as she introduced me to all of her class, they were alight with love, with a dream that should last.

I was her favorite, I know that even now. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how. But as times change, they so often do, I knew that the end was near, that some things were just due. I was once tall and great, but today I'm a shadow, nothing to fret. Who I was, and who I was destined to be, two different sides, both are painfully me.

To say that no pain was involved would be lying at best, but some descriptions are best laid to rest. All I would share is that I doubt that she knew, I can't believe that she would, that's too cruel a thought to spew.

Each time that she needed me, I came to her heed, like a white shiny knight, riding a steadfast steed.

''But now you are here. With the rest of us too, don't pretend you were special, we all know that you knew.''

Knew I did not, or perhaps I rejected, that moment I figured it out, I should have at least interjected"But I did not. Neither did them. They all loved her quite the same.

''She threw us away. Done with us lot, don't pretend that you are different, you know you are not.''

She'll come back for me, I wanted to say. But I knew better. But still, she just may!

I wanted to weep, I think he understood. I wanted to leap, he just wanted to brood. And suddenly, it dawned on me, as clear as daylight, as clear as can be,

That day he was thrown, that day he was gone, was the day I arrived, the day I was born. I had a bit on him, and something else indeed, it made me better, so she committed the deed.

The lead was about to run out, so she threw me away. They gave her a gift, and her heart they did sway. A pencil and eraser, mourning their loss, they tried making her happy, but at what cost..?

She now held a pen, marvelous and new.

But when that ink runs out, you already know what she'll do.

 

Reviews

[Taylor]

I came over to look at your writing in return for the review you did for me. First, it is hard for me to see this as a story because of the use of rhyme. Except for the layout, it certainly feels like a poem. I think that I would like it more if it were set in the traditional layout of a poem. The archetypal story is told with passion and delicacy. I especially like the image of the pen and ink.

[LastMonth]

Thanks for the review friend.
Thing is, when I first got here, I've seen so many poems without rhymes. Know what I mean..? My world was shaken. Everyone were posting things that had no flow, no rythme, and called it a poem.

So here I was thinking, why can't I tell stories, with a plot, ending, climax and what not-- And use rhymes? I think that 'The Talipot and the Bee' is the best example to making it work.

[Taylor]

Well, that sounds reasonable. I'll check out "the talipot and the Bee."

[barleygirl]

Usually I find your stories crystal clear, but not this one. In fact, I read it yesterday, could not grasp it fully, so I put it away to look at another day. Now it seems clearer to me, but nowhere near as clear as your writing usually is. That's not a critique, just an observation.

Despite not following your message as a cohesive whole, there are many interesting & thought-provoking ideas thru-out. I'm wavering between thinking the purpose & the "she" in this poem could be a beloved other person, or it also could be your muse. I'm wondering if the purpose is loving this other person or if the purpose is writing.

Anyhow, rather than grind on things I'm not sure about, I'll just say that I've noticed some people are really bent on having a purpose, but I think having some purpose in life is overrated. It's like usurping God, thinking we have that much control over anything. What we think of as "our purpose" in one stage of our lives, always seems to transform into something very different as we live & grow & evolve.

[AliciaB]

This is a very cool story with a lyrical, poetic structure. It is an intriguing insight into the emptiness that can be experienced after fulfilling one's purpose - an emptiness many are averse to thinking about, as you mentioned. I really like the image of the pencil - being a fellow writer, that idea is particularly effective for me :) - and the lines "She now holds a pen, marvelous and new. / But when that ink runs out, you already know what she'll do" are awesome. I love the rhyme and the flow of the words in these lines, and the contrast of the pencil and the pen, along with their paradoxical similarity in both being eventually rejected by their user, is a very interesting image. My favorite line, however, is this: "Who I was, and who I was destined to be, two different sides, both are painfully me." Once again, wonderful job with the rhythm and the rhyme. I also really like the idea of having these two different aspects of your identity inside of you, both of which are painful and inescapable. Overall, a very interesting and enjoyable piece. Nice work!

[LastMonth]

It's always a joy to see someone read into your poem like that.
Don't get me wrong, any review is going to make your day better, especially positive ones.
But the way you break it down and comment on different parts is delightful.

I'm quite content that you picked up on the vibes I was attempting to create, once more thank you for the kind and thorough review.

[AliciaB]

You are most welcome!

[Hyacinth]

You have a fan. 4 words, but you need to know that I do not commit to being a fan lightly ;)

[LastMonth]

Thanks you so much.
It's really kind of you.
I'll be sure to check out your writing soon.

[An owl on the moon]

You mingle your colors of dark and light so smoothly, the blending makes the hope and despair bleed together. There is the surface of thought, and the underlying echoes of the message that carries us into the lead and ink flowing freely, then drying out and faded. Powerful.

[LastMonth]

Thank you for the kind review, friend.

[FoxgloveLove]

Hey there~

I didn't know which piece you wanted me to look at, so I just picked one. This one seems like a fun and short little piece. As it is, it's pretty decent, and since there isn't really anything for me to "correct", I'm just going to throw out some things that I was thinking as I read this. I'll try not to make it too long, but I'll go quickly over your grammar, structure, and style.

---Grammar & Structure---

Overall the grammar is pretty good, although I did notice a few common mistakes. If you can, try to have someone proofread your work who is knowledgeable with grammar so that they can catch some of the errors you might miss when reading your own work. You seem to have a pretty good handle on it, which I applaud for it not being your first language. I didn't see anything that was consistently wrong. A couple errors I saw were things like "Everyone have their goals..." (para. 1, sent. 2) instead of "Everyone has their goals...", or "Neither did them," instead of "Neither did they," (para. 6, sent. 3).

What I did want to point out in terms of your grammar, however, was some of your sentence structuring throughout this piece. You yourself have labeled this a "story," even though it reads much more like a poem than prose. You incorporate a very consistent rhyme and rhythm, even if you don't give it much structural form. In itself, this can work as a stylistic choice, if that's how you choose to write the piece. However, in order to employ the rhythm you desire, your sentence structure and grammar suffers somewhat in a way that makes things a little confusing to read sometimes.

The purpose of using structure in poetry is to control the flow of the poem, which can help the writer develop a pace or rhythm for the reader to follow. Rather than this, it's clear you decided to use grammatical notation (mostly commas and periods) to control this pace. The problem with this is that you make such an excessive use of it that your sentences sometimes become slightly awkward, and a few are grammatically incorrect in some places. While some of this has to do with unnecessary commas, I'm more focused on the fact that you create a number of run-on sentences that drag on too long.

For example, consider your second line: "Everyone has their goals, destiny and fates, mine was harsher than most, as I figured out late," is broken into four parts, similar to a single stanza of a poem; while it may be more consistent to keep it all within the same sentence, it does create a run-on sentence and would be better as two sentences ("Everyone has their goals, destiny and fates. Mine was harsher than most, as I figured out late," or "Everyone has their goals, destiny and fates; mine was harsher than most, as I figured out late.") You can go this route if you want to preserve your style, however I would suggest trying to avoid falling into this error. Otherwise, you can make use of the more poetic structure and use new lines to help you with controlling the pace and rhythm of your story (which I think would be equally appropriate given the nature of this piece).


---Style---

It's quite a classic aspect of poetry and storytelling to make use of rhyming within the writing in order to make it more enjoyable to read. Still, it's important to consider doing so in a way that doesn't make the writing seem awkward or forced. This can be difficult, since awkwardness is considerably more subjective than grammar and structure, so this is something that will only come through experience in reading and practicing your writing. Lines like your opening sentence, "That thing about purpose simply laid, it is not something that can be easily unmade," to me seems very forced just to create the rhyme between "laid" and "unmade" ("that thing" is a very generic phrase that doesn't contribute much to the sentence; "laid" is, in my opinion, not the most appropriate word to apply, since it isn't commonly coupled with "purpose" nor does it add any unique or significant imagery/subtext; the "it" in "it is not" seems like a filler word that was only placed to maintain the rhythm).

Don't take this as me saying that this in any way incorrect, because it's not; this is your writing, so it's up to you to do use your own style. However, as you write, try thinking about how important the rhyme is versus the smoothness of the actual sentence. Is it worth twisting a sentence in a weird way just to get a rhyme between two words? Is it necessary to require that you rhyme at the end of each fragment/sentence?

In the opposite direction, you could also try branching out even further with your rhyming. Consider rhymes between not only words that are at the end of the lines/sentences, but also that are within the same line, or not necessarily in a regular patter. You can also try employing alliteration, which is the use of repetitive sounds to create a sort of rhyming effect (such as "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers," is alliteration with the "p" sound). As it is, the poem is fine, but consider trying to incorporate new elements into your writing style.


- Rating -
Grammar: 16/20
Structure: 16/20
Style: 15/20
Content: 17/20
Appeal: 15/20
-----------------------
Overall: 79/100

Pretty good work, overall. My best advice is to try experimenting by branching out into different styles. Get a good variety of poetry and just read to get some new ideas and techniques you can use.

[LastMonth]

Wow. Thank you for the review. Those are the kind of reviews you hope for when you join sites like this. I apprciate the details and the constructive criticism. It is very helpful. I agree with most of it,hopefully with time I will further refine my style.
But I must say, I consider this a story and not a poem.

[Gaia Octavia]

I really like this a lot. Even though it seems like a light little story about a pencil's woes, it is extremely well adapted to be relatable to life. When we lose our 'best friend' status; when a new baby ousts it's sibling who had always, until then, had all of mom's attention; when our partner breaks up with us and finds a new lover; and when young go-getters start getting the jobs that the long-time employees feel they should have- all of these things cause us to feel used up, old, and cast aside. I really enjoyed this. Great job!

Just a little side note: in the second to last paragraph you mention the pencil's 'led' but it is actually spelled 'lead' (which looks way less right than 'led' but that's english for ya)! I am still impressed with your english skills!

[LastMonth]

Thanks a bunch for the review!
And for the correction--- I'll fix it right away!
I'm glad that you liked the story!

You humble me with your compliments.

[Woody]

this is certainly thought provoking. this immediately brings to mind the black widow but the title makes me hesitate. all the same, a very interesting piece that looks like a text but sounds like a poem.
very nice, LM. I like it.

[LastMonth]

Glad you liked it!
Thanks for the review.

[Mitch]

WOW! This is so much better than the one I just read from yours! I just cant believe it. Absolutely amazing. I read it outloud to myself and it flows so nicely. Not to mention the fact that the subject was quite cleverly approached. I love pen/pencil writing metaphors. You conveyed the topic very nicely in a rather short story, way more thought provoking than the previous, I love it!

[LastMonth]

Yeah!
I pointed you here for a reason.
A hole in the wall was written out of just.. You know. Me feeling like writing about something sweet and innocent.

This story though, I've had it in the back of my mind. I feel strongly about what I'm saying here and I am very happy that you enjoyed it. I also like keeping things just at the right length, not too short, but just long enough to not wear down the reader.

The one you read before that was a feel good, sweet and entertaining children's tale.
This one is more of a statement.

Thank you so much for the review!

[Kuro]

I came expecting a story about purpose. Instead I found what in my interpretation is a poem about loss of love. An apt title would be "Man-eater'. But maybe you are talking about something else. Good writing, easy to read.

[LastMonth]

Oh, well to each their own. I did mean purpose, I don't want to spoiler the comments section but it is pretty much about the hero's purpose being over and how he is dealing with it. I appreciate the input.