the things i carry

i wrote this a few months ago after i got in a car accident

it wasnt just any car. to me, and i know i've said this once or twice to someone or whoever, but cars are like wands or brooms are to their wizards. cars are like dragons are to their riders. you learn with them, you grow with them. you know how much they can handle, how many times you have to have to turn the key to start it in the dead of winter. how long they have to sit and warm up. how fast the pickup is, how long the needle will point on E before the gas light turns on. exactly how much it costs to fill it up and how many miles you'll go. cars have their own smell, their own feel. i never felt comfortable driving anyone else's but my own. my radio presets were always the same. and even though the screen stopped lighting up to tell me, i knew what station was which like the back of my hand.

i really loved that car. it took me miles and miles. and i shared everything with it. alot of firsts. alot of emotions. alot of everything. my first ipod, my first drive thru, my first prom, my first job, my first time on a date with a boy, my first time really trying to get over a boy and all the times i drove around just to drive and my car was the only thing that understood.

i'm scared to drive something else. i'll have to get newly accustomed. and what if the new car doesnt like me. what if it doesnt move the way i want it to, or push as hard as it possibly can to get me around. people might say that cars dont have feelings but i know they do. i'm really just...lonely. i cant just hop in my car and drive somewhere. i cant even bring myself anywhere. and i mean, i bet the day i get a new car, it'll be a great one, and it'll be a new journey just waiting to begin. but right now, i am lonely. and most of all, i am missing my beautiful metallic green friend.