The Red, The Blue, and The FUgly Episode 10: The Great Investigation Part 3

The Red, the Blue, and the FUgly

Written by: William Edward Self Jr.

Makers: William Edward Self Jr. & Alexander Paul LeBlanc

Red = Red Team

Blue = Blue Team

Gray = Unimportant Characters

Black = Important people.

{Name}= Computer

Training:

Episode 10: The Great Investigation Part 3

[Covenant Base]

[Elite Leader Chamber]

Sheame: Why is this droid speaking of war?

Roc Tahn: He claims that the humans wish to wage war upon the Covenant. He says that they are a terrible race that wishes to not only destroy our kind but their own as well.

Sheame: The humans are a wretched kind indeed. I highly doubt that they would wage war against the Covenant though. Our numbers have grown ever since the Brutes took over.

Benuk: Your honor, might I say that Roc Tahn and the rest of us at the ruins have met the humans.

Sheame: [Swings Around] What?! Is this true Roc?

Roc Tahn: It is your honor.

Sheame: So you are a heretic!? You have shamed us all!

Roc Tahn: If I may. We have met with humans that share the same beliefs that we have.

Sheame: How is that? [Turns Back Around]

Roc Tahn: They are against the same force that we are. They said that we were not their enemy.

Sheame: [Turns Around] And you believed them! They lied to you! They wanted to live and you fell for their simple lies! Now you may have doomed our race.

Benuk: Your honor. They took us back to their base to try to regain the land that we lost.

Sheame: What? [Looks At Benuk] [Looks At Roc Tahn] Is this true.

Roc Tahn: Yes your honor. I sent Benuk and two other elites to assure that they held their end of the pact.

Sheame: And? What happened when you got there?

Benuk: The land was too far gone your honor. We did not bother with it.

Sheame: WHAT? We could have glassed that piece of land! Start there and we may have a chance to reclaim our land.

Roc Tahn: [Raises Head] Is that all you care about!?

Sheame: [Looks At Roc Tahn] Listen to me you heretic. You may be apart of this clan but you do not act like us nor do you follow through with anything we do.

Roc Tahn: That’s not true.

Sheame: Damn heretic! Have you ever fought in battle? Have you?!

Roc Tahn: [Remains Silent]

Sheame: Never have you been apart of any attack that we have had nor any battles. [Walks Across the Room] [Walks Back With A Sword] That’s about to change.

[Outside Room]

Tycoon: [Laughs Hysterically]

Elites Guards: [Look At Eachother]

[Unknown Base]

Avenger: Ok this doesn’t look like ancient grounds to me. In fact it looks like another missile base.

T**d: We aren’t there yet stupid.

Revenger: How dare you call Avenger stupid! I should kill you for that!

Avenger: Yeah! How dare you mistaken me for Revenger!

Revenger: WHAT? What is that suppose to mean?

Butcher: I think it means that you are a moron.

Chain: I wouldn’t worry about it that much.

Revenger: Why not?

Chain: Well I always let the truth pass by without getting angry.

Revenger: [Silent]

Chain: What?

Avenger: He doesn’t get it.

Chain: Really? You don’t get it?

Revenger: Not one word of it.

Chain: [Bursts Out Laughing]

Avenger: Let’s keep moving.

Revenger: To be honest with you I would really like to just sit down. [Crouches Down]

Avenger: [Turns to Face Revenger] We can’t! We have to keep moving. Plus every time you sit down something bad happens to me.

[Shot Fired]

Avenger: See? [Falls Down]

Revenger: Ah what was that? Did anyone else hear that? [Moves Left]

[Shot Fired]

Avenger: Owww.

Revenger: Ah! The ground moved! Did anyone else feel that? [Moves Right]

[Shot Fired]

Avenger: Owww.

Revenger: DUDE! Something’s going on! [Moves Back Left]

[Shot Fired]

Avenger: Ah Oww!

Revenger: You know I’m beginning to think that someone might be shooting at us.

Green Soldier: [Pops Head Up] Stop moving!

Avenger: [Gets Up] Who the hell are you?

Beernut: People call me Beernut. Not that is any of your business though.

Revenger: Hey man watch out someone is shooting at us.

Beernut: [Looks at Avenger] Is he stupid?

Avenger: You have no idea.

Chain: Stupider than a rock.

Butcher: A fish taught him math.

Shamus: Do I know you?

Beernut: Doubt it. I’m new here. Suppose to be recruiting new soldiers.

Avenger: So you shoot anyone you see?

Beernut: Not just anyone. We shoot the Red team.

Revenger: Ha! Sucks to be those guys.

Everyone: [Looks At Revenger]

Avenger: Why are you shooting the Red team?

Beernut: I was told that word around here says that the Red team is nothing but traitors.

Avenger: That’s horrible! So wrong.

Beernut: Just telling you what word says.

Blue Soldier: [Walks By]

Beernut: How’s it going Word?

Word: Red traitors!

Beernut: You too man! Have a good day! He’s great isn’t he?

Avenger: We are not the enemy here.

Beernut: Not what I was told man.

Revenger: Hey aren’t you suppose to be Irish?

Beernut: Nah man I just like this color.

Revenger: Weirdo.

Avenger: Well who told you that we were the traitors?

Beernut: I told you Word told me.

Avenger: Who told him?

Revenger: Probably Grammar or maybe Punctuation. [Laughs]

Avenger: Will you shut up!

Beernut: Yeah there’s no way it could have been either one of them…..they’re in battle right now with the Covenant.

Avenger: [Remains Silent] Listen we need to get through this base. We are looking for some ancient pyramid.

Beernut: You mean a triangle?

Avenger: No that would be what it looks like on paper.

Beernut: So you want me to draw a pyramid on a sheet of paper?

Avenger: No.

Revenger: I wasn’t so sure that we still used those things.

Avenger: [Turns Around] What?

Revenger: Paper.

All: [Stare At Revenger]

Revenger: Oh I get it just because I don’t use it anymore doesn’t mean that you guys don’t still use it.

Avenger: [Turns Back Around] Can you give us clearance to get through here?

Beernut: I could but I would have to consult our General.

Avenger: Well that shouldn’t be too hard.

Beernut: Well not really. You see General Grumpy doesn’t like to be disturbed.

Avenger: General Grumpy?

Revenger: Where’s the other six dwarves?

Beernut: What?

Revenger: You know. Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and Sneezey.

Avenger: Did you just recite those in order.

Revenger: You better believe it. From shortest to tallest.

Avenger: I knew it was too good to be true.

Beernut: Well anyway I could take you to him but I can’t promise that you will live that long. For safe measures you should go to the Robotics Chamber and have your memory saved.

Avenger: Why?

Beernut: General Grumpy tends to kill people when he gets mad. I’m working on my fifth body right now.

Chain: You mean that you aren’t human?

Beernut: Of course not. None of us are.

Avenger: Well I think that we should have a word with this General Grumpy immediately.

Revenger: Hang on I want to know what that big rod does.

Beernut: Oh that’s what takes your brain out of your body to be scanned.

Revenger: Oh really then why is that guy bending over?

Beernut: Well…..

Soldier & Revenger: AAAHHHHHHHHH!

Revenger: [Runs Away] AHHHHHHH!!!!

Avenger: Ouch.

Chain: Maybe we should bring a video of that with us.

Butcher: Why?

Chain: If that scared him then just imagine what we could get from him as blackmail.

Butcher: Ah. Great idea.

Avenger: Let’s go.

All: [Walks Away]

Revenger: [Runs Across Screen] AHHH! Oh God!

[Red Base]

Red Soldier: You know, now that the General is gone does that mean that we can do whatever we want to do?

Red Guard: Negative.

Red Soldier: Negative? What the hell is that suppose to mean?

Dodger: If you even try anything while the General is gone you will be court marshaled and sent to prison.

Red Soldier: Oh really?

Dodger: Yeah.

Red Soldier: Well tell me one thing, if the General isn’t here then how will he court marshal me?

Dodger: Well uh…didn’t actually think of that one you know.

Red Soldier: Exactly. This means that we can send invitations for a party.

Butch: Sounds like a good idea to me.

Red Soldier: Hell yeah let’s do this thing! [Runs Off]

Dodger: Something tells me that this is a bad idea. But! There is a good part saying: HELL YEAH!

Butch: [Walks By] You have issues.

Dodger: I know.

[Somewhere In the World]

Connors: Geez! We’ve been walking for God knows how long.

Gus: And you said that I was the dumb one.

Scorm: I know. I think that I may have made a mistake.

Connors: You know I’m right here! You can’t just talk about me as if I’m not here.

Scorm: Really? Let me give it a try. Gus you know how stupid you sounded?

Gus: Uh…yes.

Scorm: Well Connors beats your stupidity by a mile.

Connors: [Stops] Well that’s adult like isn’t it?

Scorm: How would you know what being adult like is?

Connors: [Whispers] Well we’ll see what race dies off first. I will not stand for this. [Continues To Walk]

Scorm: Hey slow poke hurry up!

Connors: Whatever.

[Missile Base Control Room]

Beernut: Ok when we walk down there we can’t have you guys looking straight at General Grumpy.

Avenger: Really why is that?

Revenger: Bet he has a huge zit on his face right in the middle of his eyes.

Shamus: Wouldn’t that be his forehead?

Revenger: Face forehead, what’s the difference?

Black Sheep: Maybe the thickness.

Beernut: Nah he just can’t stand to be stared at. To be honest I think that is how I lost my fourth body.

Avenger: Ouch.

Beernut: No joke. Ok let’s go.

All: [Walks Down Into Control Room]

Grumpy: BEERNUT! What the hell are these red traitors doing in my control room on my base site?

Beernut: Well sir they need some assistance.

Avenger: Hey if he’s red why haven’t you killed him yet?

Revenger: Grumpy is red? Go f*****g figure. I would have never guessed it.

Grumpy: What?! I’m not red!

Avenger: With all do respect sir. Your armor is red.

Grumpy: No it isn’t it’s blue.

Avenger & Revenger: [Looks At One Another] [Turns Back To Face Grumpy]

Avenger: Sir are you sure you aren’t red?

Grumpy: Of course not. I’m looking right at myself in this mirror.

Avenger: Sir that’s one of the other soldiers.

Grumpy: Really? Been looking at him all day then. Thought that I was looking at myself. [Looks Down] Still, I’m still blue.

Avenger: Sir you aren’t blue you’re red.

Revenger: Man must be blind as a bat.

Beernut: Actually he blind as a blind person.

Avenger: What?

Beernut: The General has had bad eye sight for as long as I can remember.

Avenger: Then why is he your General?

Beernut: He’s the oldest.

Revenger: No joke. I know it’s wrong to ask people their age but I have to know. How old is he?

Beernut: Twenty-eight.

Avenger: So the rest of you are younger than him?

Beernut: Yep.

Avenger: How much younger?

Beernut: Well see I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly.

Avenger: Why?

Beernut: No one here is good when it comes to math.

Avenger: Then how do you know how many troops you have?

Beernut: We don’t. We just look at a group and make an estimation.

Avenger: Estimation?

Beernut: Yeah. General Grumpy told us to send five guys to command to get the new recruit personally. I walked outside and sent Jim and Frank.

Revenger: And the problem was?

All: [Looks At Revenger]

Revenger: Oh right that’s only two guys. Right, sorry for that.

Avenger: Well then we need to get through the base.

Grumpy: Well if you want to get through it why don’t you just walk through it?

Revenger: Thank you!

Avenger: Well we were told that we had to talk to you first.

Grumpy: And you did now get the hell out of my sight!

Revenger: No problem. [Runs Out]

Avenger: Sometimes I think that he was born in a bathroom.

Shamus: I know Black Sheep was.

Black Sheep: Hey! You said you would never tell anyone that!

Shamus: Well I lied. [Walks Out With Avenger, Butcher, and Chain]

Black Sheep: Yeah well Shamus wears thongs! [Runs Out]

[Blue Base]

Clipper: Why do humans make such a big deal out of things?

Booker: Because they have nothing better to do.

Clipper: I believe you.

Booker: Well aren’t you programmed to believe everything that we say?

Clipper: Not everything.

Coward: Well then you should be destroyed you pile of junk!

Clipper: Do you realize that I could send you through a stone wall in less than a second without any resistance at all.

Coward: Why would you resist?

Clipper: [Looks At Booker] That is why humans are so pathetic.

Booker: Because of Coward?

Clipper: No. Your kind really just doesn’t deserve to live anymore.

Booker: You know you’re starting to sound like one of those droids that deserted their post about three years back. Later they were found eating the remains of a human body.

Clipper: I am not associated with those droids. They were too human.

Coward: I beat that game. It wasn’t all that interesting.

Clipper: I am complex but not in that manner. My only programming is to do what I am told which is normally to kill your kind.

Coward: You kill the Blue team?

Clipper: Not your kind specifically. I kill the humans and the aliens that you have me kill.

Booker: Well isn’t that what we made you for?

Clipper: Yes but also no.

Coward: Why didn’t you just say: so?

Clipper: Why would I?

Coward: Well you said yes and no, which put together spells so.

Clipper: I really don’t see how the human race has lived this long.

Booker: We kill to survive.

Aqua & Radio: [Walks Up]

Radio: You know all I ask for is one date with you. PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU!

Aqua: For the last time, NO! We are partners nothing more.

Radio: But we could be more. I swear all you have to do is give me one date. That will prove that you are truly deep down in love with me.

Aqua: I swear!

Radio: Me too. Now will you go out with me on one date?

Narrator: What do you think? Do you think that Aqua will say yes, I will go out on a date with you, no, I will not go out on a date with you, or Summer Salt Said Sandy Sores Smoothly Sideways Standing Straight Slightly Shaving Sandwiches?

Yes: 15%

No: 10%

SSSSSSSSSSSS: 75%

Aqua: Summer Salt Said Sandy Sores Smoothly Sideways Standing Straight Slightly Shaving Sandwiches.

Radio: Uh is that a yes?

Aqua: NO!

Booker: Then why did you say that?

Coward: She felt like it.

Aqua: No I didn’t.

Radio: Then why did you say that?

Clipper: She said what she said because the person who wrote the script for this horrid show asked for a vote and the votes came in as 15% for yes, 10% for no, and 75% for the SSSSSSSSSSSS.

Booker: How did you know that?

Clipper: Because they wanted me to know that. Plus, HELLO! I’m a freaking robot.

Booker: Makes sense to me.

Aqua: I need a drink. [Walks Off]

Radio: Woo a girl that drinks, I like that. [Walks After Aqua]

Aqua: [Groans]

[Outskirts]

Revenger: Are we there yet?

Avenger: Revenger you asked me that about five minutes ago and I said no. What makes you think that if you ask me in another five minutes that we will be there?

Revenger: Just a guess.

Avenger: Then let me answer your stupid question. No Revenger, we are not there yet.

Revenger: Well you don’t have to be so mean about it.

Avenger: I wasn’t being mean.

Revenger: Sure sounded like it.

Shamus: Maybe you should have told him that he was being a bad boy and slapped his hand.

Chain: No joke there.

Shamus: I didn’t mean for it to be a joke.

Revenger: Guys check this out.

All: [Look At Structure]

Butcher: Finally an outhouse.

Avenger: Is this the pyramid?

T**d: No. It isn’t far though.

Avenger: Revenger me and you will take T**d inside and see what’s inside. The rest of you stay out here and keep watch.

Avenger, Revenger, & T**d: [Walks Inside Structure]

Avenger: Look out for any traps.

Revenger: If it’s a trap then won’t it be hard to find?

Avenger: That’s the point. Go check over there in the center.

Revenger: Hey I think that I found something. A nickel.

Avenger: Oh boy. Keep looking.

Revenger: Found something else. A dog.

Avenger: Don’t want to know how you found that.

Revenger: Whoa! A basketball!

Avenger: Think you could find something a little more interesting?

Revenger: Wow what’s that? [Hits Floor] [Falls Down Hole] AHHHHH!

Avenger: Bet he found a penny on heads.

T**d: I think that you should stand up and move slowly to the hole that your friend fell down.

Avenger: What? [Turns Around] Ah crap.

T**d: You bet.

Avenger: This is all Revenger’s f*****g fault.

[END] �" 2009