The Red, The Blue, and the FUgly Epsode 5- It Can't Get Any Worse Part 2

The Red, the Blue, and the FUgly

Written by: William Edward Self Jr.

Makers: William Edward Self Jr. & Alexander Paul LeBlanc

Red = Red Team

Blue = Blue Team

Gray = Unimportant Characters

Black = Important people.

{Name}= Computer

Training:

Episode 5: Part 2: It Can’t Get Any Worse

[Red Base]

Avenger: Wow am I glad those guys have the worst aim in the world.

Revenger: Ain’t that the truth. We’d be dead right now if they didn’t.

Avenger: Yeah.

Revenger: Well actually I would have eventually used your body for cover until there was nothing left. After that I’d just plead the fifth.

Avenger: And what would that do?

Revenger: Well I’d live longer.

Avenger: Gee thanks.

Revenger: Don’t mention it.

Scorm: Well soldiers am I glad to see you two.

Revenger: Really I couldn’t tell. Last I checked you were trying to get us killed.

Avenger: It’s good to see you too sir. I am sorry though that we missed the tournament.

Scorm: Yeah about that. I’ve been looking for you guys to tell you that the tournament has been set for tomorrow morning.

Avenger: What? Why?

Scorm: Technical difficulties. Someone tried to hack our systems. Not sure who.

Gus: It was him. [Points At Revenger]

Revenger: WHAT? Why am I always blamed?

Avenger: That’s impossible sir. If you knew everything that we have been through you would know that it couldn’t have been him.

[Flashback]

Revenger: One hundred jugs of Warthog fuel on the wall, one hundred jugs of Warthog fuel, take one pass it around, ninety-nine jugs of Warthog fuel on the wall.

Avenger: [Groans]

[Flashback Ends]

No matter how much I’d love to blame him to get that out of the way. I can’t.

Scorm: Gus shut up. Go play with your cows.

Gus: My cows are fresh and clean from crap.

Revenger: Wish we could say the same for him.

Gus: [Hits Revenger]

Revenger: Ah! [Falls Down] [Gets Back Up] No one speaks a word of this.

Avenger: What that you got your a*s kicked by a retard?

Scorm: Which one’s the retard?

Avenger & Scorm: [Laugh]

Revenger: Oh ha ha. Not funny. [Walks Away]

Scorm: Listen I need to speak with you in the control room later.

Avenger: Alright. Let me go stop him from hanging himself again. Last time he broke my radio when the rope snapped. I don’t want him breaking anything this time.

[Gold Team Base]

Lion Heart: Ah swell gentlemen. This vehicular moving device is looking quite interesting.

Bill: I do say so as well sir.

Lion Heart: Do you now.

Bill: Yes sir I do say so.

Lion Heart: What say you Reginald?

Reginald: I say it could use some work.

Ben: You are incorrect.

Reginald: What are you saying?

Ben: I disagree with you.

Reginald: You will pay! [Runs After Black Sheep]

Lion Heart: So when will we have this mobile?

Bill: Soon sir.

[Explosion In Background]

Reginald: [Walks Up] No one disagrees with me. So gentlemen what did I miss?

Lion Heart: Not much of anything. Just that it will be very wonderful when this mobile thing is completed.

Bill: There! Finished sir.

Lion Heart: Swell! Now let me give the Orange team a ring and see how they are preparing for the tournament. [Phone Dialing] [Ringing]

Voicemail: Uh yeah a*****e this is the lazy a*s orange guy that doesn’t want to take the time to pick up the phone and listen to you talk. So in turn why don’t you just get a f*****g life and leave me the hell alone. If you want, you can leave me a message that I won’t answer to. If you would like to, start blabbering after the F**k Off. F**k Off!

Lion Heart: Ah yes of course um Orange team buddy. I would like it if you would pick up your cellular device and start conversing with me. I have important information about our moving mobile vehicular device you sent us the other day. If you are there will you please answer me?

[Silence]

Ah well I assume that you are not there. Maybe you’d like to come over for some crumb cakes and tea one day. We may even have a pillow fight tournament. If you like we could do other things as well. I mean you know what they say, “What happens in the shower, stays in the shower.” If you would like I could explain myself a little more.

Orange Guy: I swear if you f*****g explain anything to me I’ll kill your a*s.

Lion Heart: Ah so you are there.

Orange Guy: Been here for about two or three minutes.

Lion Heart: But your voicemail came on.

Orange Guy: Ah no that was me. I really meant what I said.

Lion Heart: As did I. Now listen here. I was wondering how you were coming along while you were preparing for the tournament?

Orange Guy: I was playing video games.

Lion Heart: What!? You should be getting ready to fight. You should be preparing like us.

Orange Guy: And how the f**k is that?

Lion Heart: Well you know that thing you sent the other morning?

Orange Guy: You mean that Mongoose?

Lion Heart: Yes that mobile vehicular device. We were fixing it for the tournament.

Orange Guy: Yeah I’ll go fix something that is already fixed, get it ready to take to a tournament that I can’t use it on, and call myself a f*****g giant dick! Dude are you f*****g stupid? We can’t use anything outside the virtual simulator!

Lion Heart: Can I ask who I am speaking to?

Orange Guy: My name’s none of your f*****g business.

Lion Heart: Alrighty Noneofyourfuckingbusiness. I demand you tell me who has the giant dick.

Orange Guy: [Silent]

Lion Heart: Hello? Damn! He hung up on me! So close..

[Blue Base]

Connors: Good work everybody! Good job. Has anyone seen Clipper? I have an itch in a very uncomfortable spot!

Chain: Sorry to hear that sir.

Connors: Suck up.

Chain: Sir I needed to know how you plan to take care of the Red team. They are still going to be a part of the tournament from what I heard.

Connors: you know for a suck up you sure know how to make a person feel bad.

Chain: Sorry sir.

Connors: Yeah it’s okay. WAIT. How did you find out?

Chain: Aqua and Radio told me sir.

Connors: Aqua and who?

Chain: Radio sir.

Connors: Is that the one that ran around naked at the last party?

Chain: The party after our victory at the Stand Tall Tournament?

Connors: Yeah that one.

Chain: Yes.

Connors: When did they get back?

Chain: They didn’t.

Connors: Then how the hell are you telling me something that they told you if they were never here? NO WAIT! I know how. You’re a psycho kind of guy aren’t you?

Chain: You mean a psychic?

Connors: Yeah well whatever. Just for being what you are….

Chain: A suck up?

Connors: A psycho! You will run around this base forty-five times.

Chain: Thank you sir.

Connors: It isn’t meant to be something that you are thankful for! You’re suppose to hate it!

Chain: Okay then I hate it.

Connors: Do you mean it or are you just agreeing with me?

Chain: [Pause] Do you want me to answer what you want to hear or what you don’t want to hear?

Connors: That depends. Are you going to say what I want you to say just because I want to hear it or because that is what you were going to say anyway? Or are you going to say what I don’t want to hear because I would tell you to or because you would say that anyway?

Chain: [Pause] That depends. Do you want me to disagree with what you say if you say to say what you want to hear or what you don’t want to hear, or would you want me to answer honestly? Or do you want me to answer with what you don’t want me to say to agree with you or to disagree with what you want to hear then tell you what you want to hear?

Connors: [Pause] [Thinks] I want to hear what you have to say about what you would answer honestly.. [Thinks] But not because that is what I want to hear but because you want to say that or that that is what you would say anyway… [Thinks] So answer with what you would say if you were to say what you would say whether or not I wanted you to say what I want to hear or what I don’t want to hear… [Thinks] Then if you want you can tell me what you want to say if you were to answer what I want to hear or what I don’t want to hear. [Takes Deep Breath]

Chain: [Pause] So I can say what I want to say first, whether or not you want to hear it or not, then tell you what I would say to you if I were to answer with what you would or wouldn’t want to hear?

Connors: [Thinks] Yeah I think that’s what I want you to do…. What were we even talking about?

Chain: Whether or not I should agree with you because I want to or answer what I would say anyway.

Connors: Yeah so tell me.

Chain: Okay but what do you want me to say? Do you want to hear what you want me to say or what you don’t want to hear?

Connors: I want to hear what I want you to say.

Chain: Well what do you want me to say?

Connors: I want you to tell me if you are just agreeing with me because you are sucking up or if you are actually meaning it.

Chain: Okay no problem.

Connors: [Silent]

Chain: [Silent]

Connors: Well?

Chain: I’m waiting for you to tell me if you want me to agree with what you said or to disagree.

Connors: Why?

Chain: Well should I agree or disagree?

Static: [Walks Up] Hey guys what’s going on?

Chain: He won’t tell me if I should agree with him or not.

Connors: That’s because I want to hear what he would say.

Static: Well what do you want him to say?

Connors: Whether he is agreeing with me or not.

Static: Well what would you want him to say?

Connors: Whichever he would say.

Static: If what?

Connors: [Groans]

[Red Base]

[Shooting Range]
Avenger: [Shoots Explosive]

Revenger: [Shoots At Explosive]

Avenger: [Looks Over and Shoots Revenger’s Target]

Revenger: HEY! That was mine!

Avenger: Yeah well if I let you go on shooting at it like that you would have made a hole all the way to Blue base.

Revenger: I’m testing out the sites.

Avenger: What’d you do bend them?

Revenger: Yeah. I figured if I can hit a target with a gun that has bent sites, then I can hit a target with perfectly good sites.

Avenger: [Stares At Revenger]

Revenger: What?

Avenger: You do realize that in a simulator like this tournament, the guns can’t be hurt right? The only thing that happens is that they run out of ammo and disappear once thrown down.

Revenger: Well then I’ll never throw a weapon down.

Avenger: Why?

Revenger: If I do it will disappear and never come back.

Avenger: Only if it is out of ammo.

Revenger: Oh well then I will have plenty of ammo.

Avenger: Not if you shoot like that in the tournament.

Revenger: Ha ha. Very funny.

Avenger: Hey I’m just saying.

Revenger: [Silent] [Stares At Avenger]

Avenger: [Silent] [Shoots Explosive]

Revenger: Saying?

Avenger: Huh?

Revenger: You’re just saying?

Avenger: Yeah. I’m just saying.

Revenger: What are you just saying?

Avenger: I already said it.

Revenger: Said what?

Avenger: What I was saying.

Revenger: [Remains Silent]

Avenger: You weren’t listening were you?

Revenger: Well I was but I wasn’t hearing what you was saying.

Scorm: [On Intercom] [Clears Throat] I need Avenger & Revenger to report to the control room… Uh also I need a price check on item six… ha ha. I just also wanted to say that. [Clears Throat] Um well yes. That will be all.

Revenger: Wonder what the old man wants now.

Scorm: I heard that!

Revenger: Avenger said it!

[Somewhere In the World]

Tycoon: Geez I can’t believe that the Red team was behind the whole thing. All I can do now is get through this desert and to Red base and shut them down.

[Runs Further Into Desert]

God how will I ever get out of here? How’d I even get in? Oh well must keep moving.

[Runs Into Something That Isn’t There]

What the?

Figure: [Becomes Visible]

Tycoon: Oh boy. This isn’t good.

[Gold Base]

Lion Heart: Well chaps the big day is tomorrow.

Reginald: Ah so it will be the rugby tournament.

Ben: NO you unintelligent human natured person. He means the Dark Night Tournament.

Reginald: What are you saying?

Ben: That I disagree with you! [Starts Running]

Reginald: Why you! Have at thee coward! [Runs After Black Sheep]

Lion Heart: As unhonorable as it seems to be I must agree with the old chap we call Black Sheep.

Reginald: [Comes Around the Corner] What are you saying?

Lion Heart: That there is a tournament tomorrow.

Reginald: Ah then you are agreeing. [Goes Back Around the Corner]

Lion Heart: Well let us all get our sleep now.

Everyone: [Walks In Base]

[Large Explosion]

Reginald: [Walks In Base] No one ever disagrees with me.

Ben: Gold team must die. Gold team must die.

[Red Base]

[Control Room]

[Avenger & Revenger Walk In]

Gus: There’s the traitor!

Revenger: You know man you make it real hard to sneak up on people and scar them until they die of a heart attack.

Scorm: [Looks At Revenger]

Revenger: Not that that is what I was tryin to do or nothing.

Avenger: What is it sir?

Scorm: I wanted to wish you both good luck for tomorrow.

Avenger: Well thank you sir.

Revenger: Well I will wish you good luck too papa’.

Scorm & Avenger: [Looks At Revenger]

Revenger: Ha that’s not dad.

Avenger: Means the same thing.

Revenger: But it’s isn’t the same thing.

Scorm: You two go get some rest. And if you can kill him in his sleep.

Revenger: [Laughs Hysterically] That’s a good one papa’.

Scorm: [Stares At Revenger]

Revenger: Yeah. Well we can go now.

Gus: You will die. You will die.

Revenger: Before I go can I kick his a*s? I mean where’d you get this guy.

Scorm: Command sent him. Every team supposedly got a new recruit.

Revenger: Well I don’t like this one.

Avenger & Revenger: [Walks Out]

Connors: [Walks In] Hey there Scorm!

Scorm: AH! How’d you get in here?

Connors: Well I gave your guards a good brain teaser.

[Outside Red Base]

Red Soldier: What get wet as it dries? You guys know?

Others: No. What is it?

Red Soldier: Wait a towel!

Everyone: Woo yeah!

[Silence]

Red Soldier: What were we doing?

Others: I don’t know.

Red Soldier: Whatever.

[Control Room]

Scorm: You’re picking on them like you did me.

Connors: I know isn’t it great?

Scorm: What do you want.

Connors: I just came by to tell you good luck in the tournament.

Scorm: Then say it and leave.

Connors: Ha! Not this time. It.

Gus: Red team must die. Red team must die.

Connors: Not a loyal soldier is he?

Scorm: He’s just retarded.

Connors: Wow not much has changed. See you later. Oh wait maybe not. [Walks Out]

Scorm: Wonder what he meant by that.

[Desert]

Elite: We’ve scanned his body for human DNA.

Roc Tahn: And? Is he human?

Elite: No. He’s much more.

Roc Tahn: What?

Elite: He’s a robot.

Roc Tahn: Who is his maker?

Elite: There was label on his foot. It said: “ Property of UNSC. Command Product. Blue Team Activation.

Both: [Look At Tycoon]

Tycoon: Blue team must die. Blue team must die.

[END]

©2009