Hidden in the mirror

A dark poem of loss in love......... enjoy all reviews are welcomed and certainly wanted!!!!!!!

Winter's icy eyes are as cold as my frigid stare
Gazing into the forgotten glass
At memories through the veil of time immortal
Frozen in darkness
Savoring that which was once vibrant and alive
Remembering moments of love


The mirror holds my dark, inner secrets
 Hidden from the world in this holy place
Secluded in skeptical silence
Concealed in the depths of my soul
Far from the prying eyes of the world
The mirror's frosted  surface
Limits my heart's visibility
It is my soul that must see
And accept its pain  

Keeping my inner secrets
within its glass encasement
Contained and frozen forever
 Not to be forgotten yet never openly revealed
Only my inner vision knows these secrets
Their value can not be measured by weight
Of gold, silver or precious gemstones

I come to visit the past, desires, and losses
that lay trapped in the mirror
 The warmth of each new day is a constant, painful reminder
of the love that once reigned in my heart
All that is left are memories now
Mirrored only in my soul's immortal mausoleum

Lasla Moore 2009

Reviews

[Lilith]

I agree with Charles, there are quire a few unnecessary descriptors in this piece. But the descriptors weren't as much of a problem as the grammar and punctuation errors in this piece. It's a lovely concept and is beautifully written at some parts, but at other parts it feels forced and rough, almost as if you had to force the words to come. I would be more than happy to analyze the piece for you and tell you what could be fixed to fix these errors.
But also remember; poetry is about expressing one's emotions and thoughts! If you are happy with how the piece is now, then that is absolutely fine.

[Ladysue]

Oh Charles, this was so profound and moving. I think the mirror works precisely in here. These are phenomenal lines...

The mirror holds my dark, inner secrets
Hidden from the world in this holy place
Secluded in skeptical silence
Concealed in the depths of my soul

Beautifully expressed

[Amanda]

a very deep and profound piece of lost love and memories....i like your use of the mirror as the mind and past memories that reflect on us how we proceed with our path in life.

good work, Lasla....

Amanda

[TamiViolet]

Very profound wok, Lasla. I had to read it a few times before I could fully grasp its depth. The analogy of the mirror is timeless and mysterious. Last stanza is particularly sublime with a flair of gothicism.

We do have to live with our past....every....single....day.... I guess we hope that there aren't too many secrets, or too many shadows which hinder the here and now.

Wonderful soul-searching piece, my friend.

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

that was a poetic scripture it was so priceless and valuable. i loved it wonderfully penned. touches deep inside, to the soul. i love any poetry about love written in such solitude. and depth. great job!!

[C.R. Moore "Lasla"]

@Charles and Lilith:
Thank you both for your constructive comments and compliments.
Upon review I realized to my horror that I had posted a rough draft of this piece.
It is what happens when one hurriedly posts due to being under the weather.:)
I do hope that you will read the finished piece which I have now posted.
Thank you again.
Lasla

[Charles]

I really like his poem, but have several suggestions.comments. First, I think there are some unnecessary descriptors (like dead-stoned modifying stare - the reader gets the idea of 'winter's icy eyes as cold as my stare' without the compound adjective, and there are others throughout). I think the second stanza is superfluous - the whole poem is about this idea and the next stanza nails it. The sudden change to a warm and comforting rememberence in the last stanza is somewhat jarring (sse Billy Collins and Mary Oliver for why this is the case). Could you lead into this a little, make the transition smoother? Then, there is the issue of puncruation, like apostrophes and misspellings (secretes instead of secrets for example). Don't get me wrong, this is a very good poem - there are good metaphgors and imagery (winter's ice eyes, the veil of time imortal - though I think you mean immemorial - to be forgotten yet never known, my soul's mausoleum among them). Good writing! :-)