Who said God wasnt a giant purple rabbit?

A one act, but an odd and intriguing one at that

Character List-

 

Simon Dillow:  A slightly deranged man, who seems to believe he is a rabbit.  He has recently fallen in love with his imaginary friend, a female rabbit. Around his mother be becomes imbecilic and child like.

 

Alfred Wilson:  A Psychologist, young and inexperienced he can be easily flustered and has a hard time controlling his emotions from time to time.  He is Cynical and bitter from his recent divorce.

 

Cynthia:  A Rabbit, and the love of Simon’s life.  Cynthia is seen by everyone except the psychologist.

 

Mrs. Agatha Dillow:  Simons Mother

 

God:  a immaculate purple rabbit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            [It’s late spring In a big city, A therapist’s couch sits in the middle of a room and next to it is a comfortable looking chair.  There is a book case along the back wall.  A desk is to the left the chair and Alfred sit’s at the desk.  The doorbell rings and Alfred walks over to the door to open it.]

 

Alfred:  Come on in, Mister Dillow, and [He gestures to the couch] have a seat.

 

[Simon walks hesitantly to the couch and lays himself down.  A Female rabbit follows him inside.]

 

Simon:  Please, please. Call me Simon.

 

Alfred: Well, Simon, how can I help you? So what do you need from me?

 

Simon: Well, Doc, you see, I’m in love.

 

Alfred: Love may seem like a problem son but it’s not.

 

Simon:  Well it’s just, I’m in love with a rabbit.

 

Alfred: [in utter horror] A rabbit? With fur, and the ears?

 

Simon:  Why yes, sir. [Simon smiles to himself and stares at the rabbit]  Her name is Cynthia.  She is absolutely beautiful.  With such gorgeous, soft fur.  [He strokes the rabbit]  And those ears, those floppy, floppy ears of hers are just so adorable.  [He stands up and caresses the rabbits ears.]

 

Alfred:  Excuse me, but what are you stroking?

 

Simon:  Isn’t she lovely?

 

Alfred:  You mean, she’s here?

 

Simon: She is always with me, ever since I can remember.

 

Alfred:  [to himself] Patient appears to suffer from hallucinations!

 

Simon: Just because she is gorgeous doesn’t mean that she isn’t real!

 

Alfred:  Of course, of course.  How silly of me; do you mind if we run a few minor tests to see if you’re [he hesitates] ready for marriage.

 

Simon:  A marriage test?

 

Alfred: Yes, of course.  [He walks toward the desk and picks up some ink blotch papers.  Then he casually walks back to his chair. He sits down and lifts a card.]  What do you  see here?

 

Simon:  Well, that’s clearly a Rabbit!

 

Alfred: [Dropping the card to reveal another]  …and this one?

 

Simon: A rabbit.

 

Alfred: Okay, then how about this one?  [He reveals the third card which isn’t even an ink blotch it’s a picture of a duck] 

 

Simon: A rabbit!

 

Alfred: This is the last one.  [The final one is revealed to be a picture of a rabbit.]

 

Simon:  Well, Doc, I don’t see anything.  I really don’t know.  It looks a little like two cowboys having a shoot out on top of a space ship.

 

Alfred: Intriguing. [He looks at the card.] You really don’t see a rabbit?  You know, I think I have a good idea for the next test.  [Alfred walks to his desk and picks up a mirror.  He holds it up to Simon.]  What do you see?

 

Simon:  Well, I guess you could say I’m a nice light grey.  I really like my nose; it’s the perfect shade of pink.  My ears are a little long, but not everyone is perfect.

 

Alfred:  So how do I look?

 

Simon:  Disgusting, absolutely disgusting.  Your tiny ears, pale skin, and icky man face repulse me.

 

Alfred: Excuse me for one moment.  [He walks over to the phone on his desk and dials a number.]  Yes, it’s me, Alfred.  I have a patient here, he is about thirty and he thinks he is a rabbit. [pause] Nope, he is not a real rabbit.  [Pause] He has an imaginary girlfriend rabbit. [Pause] Yeah, I wondered how that worked out but… [pause] That’s disgusting! [Pause, Alfred stares with an intrigued expression.] I may try that, but any suggestions about what to do with my patient? [pauses then sarcastically]  Wow, you’re such a massive help.

 

Simon: So, can I get married?

 

Alfred:  I’m not sure how to tell you this, but…

 

Simon:  Aliens!  I knew you were one of them.  You’re a space man!

 

Alfred:  No, no, no I just think you need therapy.

 

Simon: I’m crazy?  You think that I’m crazy?  [a threatening look crosses Simon’s face]  I’ll show you crazy!  [He screams, he jumps up muttering to himself and tosses the contents of the desk all over the ground.]

 

Alfred:  Oh god! 

 

[Simon begins to run around the room]

 

Stop!  [Simon keeps running] Chill out!  Please don’t, No, Stop [In utter frustration he pauses and remembers that old childhood game]  Red Light!

 

[Simon stops dead in his tracks completely frozen]

 

Green light? [Simon seems to be calm and sits down on the couch.]

 

Simon: Sorry, what were we talking about?

 

Alfred: Um marriage, I guess. I was actually about to suggest that you receive therapy.

 

Simon: I’m not too keen on that, but I’ll consider it.

 

Alfred: Well we can at least finish the hour.

 

Simon: Yea doc I guess I can stay for that long.

 

Alfred:  Can we try something new?

 

Simon: Yea sure I guess.

 

Alfred: Okay, well lie down and we will try a little psychoanalysis.  [Simon lies down on the couch]  Good so can you tell me about your childhood?  For now please focus on your father.

 

Simon: Daddy?  Hm, I’m not really sure.  I didn’t know my father; he left the burrow when I was just a tiny little rabbit.  I used to hop along for hours [He smiles at the memory.]  I used to eat foliage every single day.  Mamma always kept us close we never got to play with the other children.

 

Alfred: So, you have always been a rabbit?

 

Simon:  Have you always been a man?  Sorry, Doc. Yeah, I’ve always been a rabbit.  [Cynthia crosses to him and strokes his head]

 

Alfred:  Ok that’s interesting, Im very intrigued, I’ve never Studied a man who thought he was a [ Simon looks at him very angrily]  Sorry I mean ive never studied a rabbit before.

 

Simon: Get it straight! I’m a Rabbit!

 

Alfred:  Sorry Simon, You’re a Rabbit, so back to your childhood if you please, you were saying that you could never play with the other children.  Would you please continue?

 

Simon:  [staring off as thought remembering a vague memory] oh yea, mamma, she always said that Mrs. Badger’s children were not a good lot to play with.  And Mrs. Squirrel’s kids were always in trouble for hiding their parents acorns.

 

Alfred: So you know other animals?

 

Simon: Of course did you think that there were only rabbits in this world?

 

Alfred:  Okay, well, tell me about school.  What was that like for a young rabbit like yourself?

 

Simon: School, well, I went to school like everyone else, I got good marks on everything, too.  I wasn’t top in my class but that’s what happens when a rabbit goes to man school.

 

Alfred:  Man school?  You went to human school?  Why?

 

Simon:  Mamma said education was important.  I failed a paper once and mamma got so mad she beat me until my poor puffy tail was flat!  She beat me so hard that [he points to his ear] this ear never did recover, see how it’s smaller than the other one?

 

Alfred:  Your mother abused you?

 

Simon:  Of course mamma said all good mamma rabbits get a little rough to keep their children in line.

 

Alfred:  And how did that make you feel?

 

Simon:  Well, right now I feel well.  [He jumps up and down, Cynthia joins in, He shouts]  I feel like Tom Cruise when he went on Oprah.

 

Alfred:  Um stop?  Please?  Red Light!

 

[The man stops mid jump and falls onto the floor]

 

Alfred: Green Light.

 

[Simon gets up slowly]

 

Simon:  How did I get down here?

 

Alfred: You said you thought it was comfortable?

 

Simon:  Oh… okay, well, can I get back on the couch now?

 

Alfred:  If you prefer.  So how about you tell me about your feelings towards religion.

 

Simon:  Well of course I’m a Christian.  There is only one god mamma used to say.  She once told me that god was so beautiful his fur was purple and his ears were majestic.

 

Alfred:  Wait, wait you think GOD is a RABBIT?

 

Simon:  Hey doc, no one said that god wasn’t a giant purple bunny.  What made you think he was a man?

 

Alfred:  Doesn’t the bible say god made man in his image?

 

Simon:  That’s how you humans interpret it.  Think about it, why would god create something so evil in his image?  All you humans do is fight.

 

Alfred:  We invented many great things.  We study the arts and sciences.  When was the last time a rabbit went to see a play?  Man is dominant to you rabbits.  We control everything in this world, it’s ours.

 

Simon: You lie!  When man destroys his world, rabbits shall still be here.  Us rabbits are once again going to rule this world.  We are gods greatest creatures.

 

Alfred:  I hate to break it to you but you’re a human.

 

Simon: Am not!

 

Alfred: Are too

 

Simon: Am NOT!  [Simon jumps from the chair and goes to attack Alfred.  Cynthia Holds Simon back until he calms down.]  Sorry doc but I was a little insulted you called me something so ugly.

 

Alfred: I apologize, but it appears to me that you are a human.

 

Simon:  I AM NOT! [Clearly enraged Simon jumps off the couch to the book shelf where he throws off every single book]

 

[The psychologist hangs his head in utter shame and defeat.  He whimpers and walks over to his desk where he finds a flask.  He drinks until its empty, meanwhile Simon continues to fling books off the shelf.]

 

Simon:  God IS a Rabbit [As he throws the final book]

 

Alfred: So Simon do you live with anyone?

 

Simon:  Just mamma…

 

Alfred: You still live with your mother?  Can I speak to her?

 

Simon:  Of course, mamma is outside.  [Exit simon, From off stage]  MAMMA!

 

[enter simon and his mother.  They don’t walk, they hop over to the couch and Mrs. Dillow sits down on the couch with simon at her feet]

 

Alfred:  Mrs. Dillow, Please tell me about your sons actual childhood, he keeps talking about never playing with the other animals when he was little.  What does he mean?

 

Agatha:  Well that’s right I would never let one of my 23 children play with other kids.  It was too dangerous, they didn’t need danger they could play nice rabbity games together without anyone else!  Those kids would have gotten my children in trouble!  Did you know that Mrs. Raccoons’ children used to rummage through others trash cans?  Isn’t that just Disgusting?

 

Alfred:  Oh dear god, you think you’re a rabbit too, don’t you?

 

Agatha:  Of course I’m a rabbit!  Did you not expect a rabbit to have a rabbit for a mother?  Don’t you know how genetics work?  Did you know that Gregory Rabbit Mendel Discovered genetics and heredity?

 

 Alfred: Wait, wait, wait, He was not a rabbit.  He was a man!  A Monk!

 

Agatha:  Of course a rabbit discovered traits, did you think man did?  [She laughs and stands up]  Men are not as glorious as you think.  Man has not lived on this earth for very long, It’s man’s job to destroy this world not to rule it.  That’s all you do, destroy.  [She begins to pace] you men do nothing but harm.  Look at the earth before you, it was a perfect cycle.  Now its all broken.  You icky man face.  How could you people destroy everything beautiful.  You and your atomic bombs.

 

[She is clearly upset and sits down again, Alfred crosses to her and offers her a box of tissues]

 

Alfred:  I’m sorry, but would you please tell me more about your children and their childhood.

 

Agatha:  Of course doctor.  Like all good mothers I kept my children in line, not a single rule breaker.  I refuse to let my children be ruffians, Simon here is the youngest and still lives with his mamma.  I worry about his girlfriend sometimes she isn’t good enough for him in my opinion.  So I brought him here to make him come to his senses.

 

Simon: [looking up at his mother] I’m hungry mamma.

 

[Agatha pulls a carrot out of her purse and Simon nibbles on it.]

 

Thank you mamma

 

Agatha: You see a good mamma rabbit is always ready!  Where was I, Oh yes this girl, have you spoken to her?  She is a nuisance. [Cynthia shakes her fist]  She doesn’t have a job. how is she supposed to support my poor little Simon?  You see Simon has always been a little s.l.o.w. [she spells out the word]

 

Simon:  Mamma I can spell I’m not, slu…. Slew mamma.

 

Agatha:  Of course not honey mama meant to spell wonderful.

 

Simon: Oh ok mamma.

 

Agatha:  Wow that boy is retarded.

 

Alfred:  Excuse me miss, you shouldn’t call him retarded, let’s have him tested, you know things like that are genetic or are a birth defect, were there any complications?

 

Agatha:  He is a complication.  I dropped him a few times when he was little, turns out babies don’t bounce.

 

Alfred:  Ma’am that’s considered child neglect!

 

Simon:  Mamma never neglected me, ever.  When I was bad sometimes I was sent to my cage but that’s just because she wanted to keep me in line!  But I was never neglected!  I always had a exercise wheel to run on, a carrot to eat, and a full water bottle.  Mamma took good care of me.

 

[Alfred finding this ridiculous begins to laugh]

 

Alfred:  Sorry [he continues to struggle with the giggles]  I’m sorry it’s just I was picturing your son running on one of those wheels.  Anyway tell me about your other children.

 

Agatha:  Well one is a veterinarian, one is a doctor, one is a priest, one is

 

Alfred: [cutting off Agatha] Oh is this a joke?  Do they go into a bar! [he laughs to himself, the alcohol is clearly affecting him now.]

 

Agatha:  You sir are an indecent man!

 

Alfred:  Yea but you think you’re a rabbit!  You’re crazy, I’m just drunk! In the morning I will be Sober but you?  You’re still gonna be a rabbit!  Why? Because your loony toons!

 

Agatha:  I am not loony toons!  Bugs bunny is a sell out and a disgrace to rabbits everywhere!  I hope one day that hunter gets him.

 

Alfred: [trying to hide he is clearly out of it] Please tell me about… something.

 

Simon:  Oh I know mamma tell him how I always did good in school.

 

Agatha:  Boy you failed out of school,  all you did is fail.

 

Simon:  Mamma! I told him I was smart! Tell him I’m smart!

 

Agatha: Boy you know I don’t lie!

 

Simon:  Fine I’ll show him, Listen! [Alfred falls off his chair laughing]

 

Alfred: You really are Nuts both of you!

 

Simon:  No No Listen! Are you ready? [Alfred goes quite] Ok 2+2+2+2 equals “D.”  Ain’t I good at math!

 

Alfred:  That was amazing [He begins laughing]

 

Agatha:  Great now a stranger knows that my son is crazy, did you know doctor that when he was a boy he thought he was human?  It’s why I dropped him so many times.  You must beat that out of them early or they go crazy.

 

Simon:  Mamma sure did set me straight

 

Agatha:  Boy I swear if you don’t keep your mouth shut I’m going to have to set you back in line! [she looks angrily at the boy]

 

Alfred:  Ma’am come on leave the boy alone he didn’t hurt anyone.  I mean here I am thinking wow.  This woman sure does need some chill pills.  The boy is, what, simon how old are you?

 

Simon: thirty-one sir.

 

Alfred: see he is thirty one so just leave him alone ok? You ain’t gotta control everything ya see?  He has to be able to flourish for himself.

 

Agatha:  Mommy’s boy would never leave her!

 

Simon: Of course not! No good rabbit leaves his mother!  What kind of person would I be if I left mamma!  It would just crush her little rabbit heart!

 

Alfred:  For christ’s sake neither one of you are rabbits!

 

Agatha:  Of course we are! How can you be so blind everyone around here is an animal!  Did you think that you were surrounded by humans?  Nope your not.  See Doc. Who is the crazy one now?  Maybe you need to see Mr. Platypus he is another psychologist in this town.  I thought a human may be a little better but no.  I guess next time we will go see that old crack pot.

 

Alfred:  Good I don’t want you here,  you need help but I can’t tolerate you.

You’re Psychotic!  Everything about you is Rabbit this Rabbit that!  Can’t you see you’re human!

 

Agatha: [Rising from her seat and now yelling] I have Never ever ever been this insulted in my entire life!

 

[Simon jumps to his feet looking angry too]

 

Simon: What did he say mamma?  Did he say we were Humans? That isn’t true mamma I know its not!  Mamma Make him go away [simon begins to cry]

 

Alfred:  Oh god can’t you just leave?

 

Simon: FINE

 

[Simon flips over the couch and exits quickly followed by his mother leaving Alfred standing alone looking at the destruction all around him, He picks up a recorder from his desk and presses record]

 

Alfred: [speaking to the recorder] Patient showed signs of dementia and hallucinations at first.  He believed he had an imaginary girlfriend. And she was a rabbit! Can you believe it?  He thought he was a rabbit too?  Then the mother?  [he laughs, bending over too look through the books littering the floor.  Finds a thick one and opens it revealing another hidden flask.]  She forced me over the edge!  Saying god was a giant purple rabbit ha! [He takes a swig] God that’s good.

 

[A purple rabbit enters]

 

God: is it? May I try some?

 

Alfred: OH my GOD!

 

God: Yes yes I am.

 

Alfred: You’re a… rabbit?

 

God:  Of course, did you actually think I was a man?

 

Alfred:  God I must be drunk.

 

God:  Son I see that, you really better stop drinking that’s bad for your liver.  I only give you one of those you know.

 

Alfred:  But you’re a purple rabbit!  How can you be god?

 

God:  Does the bible say I’m a man?

 

Alfred:  It says god created man in his image.

 

God:  Wow those Romans really got that one wrong,  no I created the rabbits after myself,  I created Humans in the image of my cousin Ted.

 

Alfred:  Am I having a religious experience? Or am I really that drunk?

 

God:  I don’t know, sadly you cant tell anyone or they will all think that your crazy.

 

Alfred:  Am I crazy?

 

God:  Aren’t all humans?  That I guess comes from me making you all out of Ted,  he never was the sharpest tool in the shed.

 

Alfred: Maybe I’m asleep?

 

God:  Your not I’ll tell you that much.  Alright well I gotta get going.  There are things to be done.  Being god isn’t easy.

 

[god exits]

 

[from off stage]  Oh yeah and you may want to build a boat before March eighteenth.

 

[Alfred looks out in shock and horror]

 

God:  [laughing] I’m serious you may want to invest in a yacht.

 

[Alfred walks over to his desk and sits behind it looking shocked.  He reaches for the drawer opens it and pulls out pill bottles, he takes the pills and swallows them down.  He picks up his phone once more.]

 

Alfred: Hello it’s me, I need a room at the sanitarium, no not for a patient, for me.

 

[The end]

Author's Note

if on the rare chance that someone wants to perform this play, contact me =D it would make my day!

Reviews

[Lanky]

thank you thank you so very much!

[L.I. Black]

Oh god, I think I seriously just laughed my arse off. That was just...ahh...I'm going to have to show this to my friends, they're probably going to want to preform it.