Intrusive thoughts

A Poem by Landy

Where darkness meets this water,
I become fazed by the flight feeling.
I see it flow in a race and like a fool I follow in a trance.

Where darkness meets this water,
I feel air rising behind,
Telling me to stop the fight and let go of my stance.

There’s no telling if it is surreal or so real,
I see the same life with open or closed eyes.

There is a light behind this darkness, I see it through the midst.
There is a light behind this all, I know there must be..

Where darkness meets this water, I become motionless, what happens when you can no longer fight, when your senses turn to shreds as you watch.

There’s no light when you sink in deep, only waves that daze you into this peaceful heaven.

M.Landra

© 2024 Landy

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Reviews

JayG

You're thinking in nonfiction terms, where the narrator talks TO the reader, informing them. But, can that work when the reader lacks all context, and has no idea of the emotion that you would place into your voice when you read it?

Look at your words, not as the narrator, but as the reader, who has only punctuation for emotion, and what the words suggest based on THEIR life-experience:

• Where darkness meets this water,

"This" water?" Ocean? Lake? Bathtub? You know, and have intent. The reader has only confusion.

• I become fazed by the flight feeling.

So this person is a pilot? And, they're deterred from...what? You have context. You have intent. The reader has "Huh?"

Were you to hand this to the person it was written about it would probably be deeply meaningful. To a reader? It's words in a row, context, location, and people involved, unknown. That's why, though we write from our own seat, we need to edit from that of our reader.

More that that, we need to discard the fact-based approach to writing we were given in school, as they readied us for employment, and embrace the emotion-based methodology of poetry and fiction, where the goal is, as E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that can't be done with the nonfiction skills school.

The thing that gets in the way is that nonfiction is designed to inform, while poetry's goal is to move the reader emotionally — to make them feel and care, not simply nod in understanding. Poetry is emotion, rather than fact-based, which is an approach not mentioned as existing in our classes, because how many employers, other than greeting card companies, need us to write poetry?

Nonfiction informs the reader that the author loves someone. Poetry makes the reader love them, too, which is a lot more fun. Right?

Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook, is an excellent introduction to the world of poetry. It's filled with surprises that will have you saying, "Wow...but, that's so obvious. How can I not have seen it myself?" And, you can download a readable copy from the site linked to below (but not readible on a phone). So give it a try. You'll love the difference in your poetry.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
~ Ernest Hemingway

Posted 4 Months Ago

Look at your words, not as the narrator, but as the reader, who has only punctuation for emotion, and what the words suggest based on THEIR life-experience:

• Where darkness meets this water,

"This" water?" Ocean? Lake? Bathtub? You know, and have intent. The reader has only confusion.

• I become fazed by the flight feeling.

So this person is a pilot? And, they're deterred from...what? You have context. You have intent. The reader has "Huh?"

Were you to hand this to the person it was written about it would probably be deeply meaningful. To a reader? It's words in a row, context, location, and people involved, unknown. That's why, though we write from our own seat, we need to edit from that of our reader.

More that that, we need to discard the fact-based approach to writing we were given in school, as they readied us for employment, and embrace the emotion-based methodology of poetry and fiction, where the goal is, as E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that can't be done with the nonfiction skills school.

The thing that gets in the way is that nonfiction is designed to inform, while poetry's goal is to move the reader emotionally — to make them feel and care, not simply nod in understanding. Poetry is emotion, rather than fact-based, which is an approach not mentioned as existing in our classes, because how many employers, other than greeting card companies, need us to write poetry?

Nonfiction informs the reader that the author loves someone. Poetry makes the reader love them, too, which is a lot more fun. Right?

Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook, is an excellent introduction to the world of poetry. It's filled with surprises that will have you saying, "Wow...but, that's so obvious. How can I not have seen it myself?" And, you can download a readable copy from the site linked to below (but not readible on a phone). So give it a try. You'll love the difference in your poetry. 
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-----------
“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
~ Ernest Hemingway

Rating /100