Chapter I

Roy works for the government as what most would call a hunter or investigator; undergoing deployments to locations as an advanced investigator with the mission to find or explore mysterious activity, and either destroy the problem given or gather information about it.

This government branch is called “Abditus Revalre”, which translates from Latin to English, “Reveal Secrets”. Yes, the government is very original with names, isn’t it? Though, it's better than the string of random numbers that are usually used.

If you were to ask any military or government agent, they would say this branch is not real. This is true. Nobody knows of it, and those who do were chosen. The very first rule learned, the only way to be chosen for this job, is to disappear. They are not allowed to have any ties to the normal world: disappearing from any written forms, leaving no trace of ever existing, no ties to family or friends. They don’t exist, disappearing from society and only reentering it in the directions of their missions.

The next rule that’s learned: don’t depend upon others. Along the lines of this rule; only think about yourself and succeeding the mission. In this line of work, you either learn to let go of any moral code and do whatever it takes to complete the assignment, or die. There is no inbetween. There are no heroes. There are no saviors. There is just getting the job done.

That last rule, Roy believed, is bogus. He’s worked in this field for ten years and has not only survived, but has been saved due to his own selflessness many times. He also quite likes his moral code, however twisted it might be. He’s human, and that’s something he’s proud of. He’s seen enough in his life to know that being human is the most powerful asset of humanity.

And sometimes, he can’t decipher between the government and the monsters he’s sent to kill.

Of course, all of his doubts concerning how the government works cannot, under any circumstance, be voiced. That would be asking for trouble, most likely in the form of actually disappearing from the earth. He likes his job, no matter how heartless it sometimes requires him to be. He likes the thrill, and the knowledge, and the satisfaction knowing people are safe with their families or friends.

And maybe a little bit of the very justified murdering. That can be fun.

The point is, he enjoys his job. So when someone rudely bursted into his office with no warning, he only almost immediately threw a knife towards the intruder’s head. Knocking isn’t a difficult feat, it’s basic decency.

He glared at the agent as they strutted towards his desk, not looking the least bit remorseful. Without a word, they not so gently slammed a yellow folder brimming with papers in front of him. As they began to stride toward the door, Roy picked it up.

“What is this for?” Roy asked, waving the folder.

The agent stopped at the doorway and glanced at him, scowling behind dark sunglasses. Seriously, who wears sunglasses indoors?

“A mission.” The agent curtly replied.

Roy fought the urge to roll his eyes, instead schooling a neutral expression. “What is the mission about?”

The agent turned towards him and crossed his arms. “All information needed is in the folder,” He answered stiffly, frowning and glancing down at his watch impatiently, “If you have any additional questions, ask General Stirling.”

This time, Roy didn’t fight the impulse to roll his eyes. “Very helpful.” He said, voice laced with sarcasm. He thumbed through the papers of the folder and watched as the agent exited the room. Quite a rude man... Roy made a mental note to search for the man’s name. And his schedule. And which car was his.

He turned his attention back to the folder and opened it. The first page gave an explanation of where the mission was, what he has to accomplish, and why he needs to go there.

He flipped to the next page and was met with a blank page. He furrowed his eyebrows and flipped to the next, also blank. He blinked in bafflement. Why..?

All the pages in the folder, except for the first one, were blank. Roy stared at the only page out of twenty that had writing on it, then shrugged and read it. No point in questioning the ways of the government, probably just a morose office worker who tried to find a bit of joy in confusing people.

The mission sounded simple enough, albeit a bit vague: a remote coastal town in need of help. Weird things such as bleeding trees, disembodied voices, mutated animals, and overall irregular occurrences. A mission that’s not distinct from any other basic ones. A mission for the trainees.

Roy was a senior agent, someone who gets called upon for the more dangerous and unpredictable assignments. Not for mere child’s play.

With these thoughts in mind, Roy stood from his chair and headed to General Stirling’s office.

As he walked through the featureless halls that all look the same�"brightly lit and a default setting of monotony and dullness�"he pondered over the mission. Obviously there’s more to it than what’s been informed. General Stirling most likely made it as vague as possible so Roy didn’t immediately take off. Either that, or the message had been coded.

No matter. He’d find out soon enough. Maybe even transfer to a more challenging mission.

His thoughts were interrupted as he crossed paths with one of the receptionists, a middle aged blonde woman named Linda Hopsworth.

Linda was walking in the hall, presumably on her lunch break, when she spotted Roy walking the opposite direction. Roy was trying to pretend he hadn’t seen her when she called his name quite loudly, leaving no room for doubt of her presence.

He silently sighed and stopped his fast pace, turning to face her. “Hello, Linda.” He politely greeted, masking his annoyance. Ever since Roy found out about her affair with the secretary, she’s been sickeningly nice. What she didn’t know was that her fiancé already knew and was seeing another woman who Roy liked much better than Linda.

“Hi, Roy! What are you doing?” She asked loudly, a wide smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes gracing her features.

“I’ve been assigned for a new mission.” He replied tersely.

She faked an interested gasp and moved closer, intruding in his personal space. “Oh? What’s the mission?”

“You already know I can’t reveal information concerning missions.” He answered, stepping back and allowing a hint of annoyance to seep through his tone.

Linda pouted, then her eyes widened with revelation. “Is it that town near the ocean?” She asked in a hushed tone.

Roy’s expression momentarily flickered with confusion, before returning to a neutral expression. “Perhaps.” He said coolly. Missions were supposed to be private…

“Oh! You better be careful with that one, at least three teams have never returned!” She exclaimed, “At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

Roy’s eyebrows furrow. “Why do you know about it?”

Linda grinned and leaned closer. “It’s all anyone is talking about, if ya mingled with the rest of us, you would know.” She said in a stage whisper, then straightened up, “Bye! Hope ya don’t die!”

Roy watched as she walked away. I guess that answers his concerns.

* * *

After several minutes of walking in no real rush, he stood beyond a door just like any other. Upon the door, at eye length, was the only thing not repetitive from all other doors. The silver, cursive words Gen. Stirling were engraved in the wood, and right below that, the number 289.

Roy knocked firmly on the door and a quiet voice beckoned him in.

He opened the door to reveal a spacious office completely unlike the halls. The wallpaper was one of beige, and instead of the migraine-inducing ceiling lights, natural light from a decent sized window illuminated the room and lamps were waiting to be used when the sun’s rays darkened.

Residing opposite to the window, a shelf occupied with an assortment of books covered the entirety of a wall. On the far side of the room, a desk resided. A desk of dark wood, in front of it sat an empty chair, and sat behind it was a tired looking man with eyes haunted from decades worth of knowledge.

He looked at Roy with weary blue eyes. The papers he was shuffling before the interruption were pushed aside as General Stirling turned his attention to Roy.

“Hello, Roy.” He addressed, “What can I help you with?”

Roy shuffled into the room and glanced at the folder in his hand. He held it up for General Stirling to see. “Sir, why have you assigned me a basic mission?”

General Stirling gestured for him to sit, to which Roy obliged. “Who’s to say this is a simple mission? You have yet to provide an opportunity for accurate judgment.” He replied slowly, his response causing Roy to stifle an exasperated scoff. He enjoys General Stirling’s vague responses when it’s irritating someone else, but it is very annoying when directed at him, even if he knows the reason.

“Respectfully, can you please reply concerning the actual answer?” Roy bluntly requested, smiling in what he hoped was a polite and respectful manner.

General Stirling sighed and shifted his weight to lean forward, his elbows resting on the desk and his hands clasped together. “All my people sent to this place have not returned. I need my best man out there to figure out the problem and either terminate or fix it, along with finding out what happened to the missing agents.”

Roy stared at him with a deadpan expression. “Well that’s reassuring.” He said dryly. Not ominous at all…

“Are you willing to accept?”

“I do have one more question; I noticed there isn’t much information about the place, or about who I need to meet up with, why is that?” Roy asked, tilting his head inquisitively.

“The call was anonymous.”

Roy’s eyes narrowed, “That’s suspicious.”

“I know.” General Stirling said, “You don’t have to go, I’ll send someone else.”

Roy pondered over his reply. “Might as well go, I didn’t sign into the government for healthcare.” He replied, his mouth quirking up with a hint of anticipation.

General Stirling’s usual tired eyes softened. “Just be careful.” He cautioned, then glanced down to resume his work.

“I will, sir.”

Roy turned to leave, but paused. “Oh, one more thing,” General Stirling looked up, “that agent you sent me, what’s his name?”

General Stirling’s eyes crinkled in subtle amusement. “I cannot disclose personal information, Roy.”

Roy grinned and exited the room.

* * *

Packing for the trip was not difficult; he grabbed his heavy duty, waterproof hiking bag and his duffel bag, stuffing the latter with essentials such as knives, guns and ammo, a week's worth of clothing, and some books. In his hiking bag he packed a large water bottle, a compass, a fire starter kit, a camera, laptop, some more knives, and a notebook with a pen.

With the folder in his hand, Roy walked towards his designated car; a very well taken care of 1970s Bentley. He opened the trunk to find an assortment of weapons, then opened the driver's door and entered the vehicle, tossing the folder into the passenger’s seat.

He reached for the radio knob and turned it up, scrunching his nose as pop music blasted through the car. After a minute of fumbling with the radio controls, he finally found the station tuner. Peppy jazz echoed throughout the vehicle and he nodded in satisfaction, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat.

After a moment of adjusting to the car’s way of operating, he began to drive.

Author's Note

I don’t know how to do italics, how do I do italics? Any and all feedback will be greatly appreciated!

Reviews

[JayG]

• A new writer with a lot of creative ideas

Take a deep breath. This will sting, because you’ve missed a critical point (as most people do): They offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. Would they do that if story ideas were all that’s needed?

In reality, ideas are the easiest part of writing. What’s hard? Writing well enough to make the reader NEED to turn to page 2, and onward.

The thing we forget is that day after day, week after week, year after year, for centuries, publishers have been receiving submissions. Given that, do you really think that your plot is unique? Your “voice” may be. But your plot? Naaa. In reality, there are only seven basic plots.

Take Cinderella. It’s a “rags to riches” plot, where a deserving person, who is is held back by things beyond their control, is helped by a kindly outsider, and achieves success. Hollywood LOVES that plot. It’s the basis for Singing in the Rain, Pretty Woman, Annie, Willie Wonka, and many more.

So...hold onto your plot ideas. They are necessary. But dig into the skills of writing fiction that a reader reacts well to. Remember, when you read your own work, you cheat. You begin reading with the context that the reader must be given. And when you read, the narrator’s voice is filled with emotion that the reader cannot know to place there. Unlike the pros, your current writing methodology is the one we’re given in school: nonfiction. But nonfiction informs, it doesn’t entertain, because it’s the kind of writing that employers need us to have, and its purpose if to inform, clearly and dispassionately. It's fact-based and author-centric, as this chapter is.

Look at your approach in this story:

• Roy works for the government as what most would call a hunter or investigator;

This is you, lecturing the reader. And as you read this, you already know who Roy is, and what you mean by hunter, so the meaning is clear. For the reader? This is a report. A story would begin with Roy hunting, or getting ready to, or something in which he’s involved. It would take place in the moment he calls "now," not as an overview presented by a voice that lacks emotion.

Have the computer read this to you, to better understand what the reader gets, and how different that is from what you get when you read it.

• undergoing deployments to locations as an advanced investigator with the mission to find or explore mysterious activity, and either destroy the problem given or gather information about it.

Could you be any more generic? What, to a reader, is the meaning of "mysterious activity?" They probably see it as crime, or something illegal but NOT magical. But magis is what you meant. So as you read the words, having both backstory and intent guiding you, the meaning you take is vastly different from that of the reader.

• And maybe a little bit of the very justified murdering. That can be fun.

Seriously? Murdering can be fun? So I should go out and try it? Sure, you have intent for the meaning the reader is to take — probably more like execution, but you just told a reader that killing people can be fun. Necessary, perhaps, but certainly not a form of entertainment.

• So when someone rudely bursted into his office with no warning, he only almost immediately threw a knife towards the intruder’s head.

Seriously? Someone expected shows up and he throws a knife at them? And...he misses? So our hero is a foolish klutz? Not what you intended, but it is how you portrayed him.

And the one he threw it doesn’t even say, “And a good morning to you, too, Roy.”? He just "struts?" And conveniently, though several teams have been sent but not returned from the assignment, the mission briefing doesn't mention that, or why he's being sent, alone? No competent department would do that. And no competent agent would accept such an assignment, and not even wonder about blank pages enough to ask (which I'm guessing were magically erased) So, our protagonist is, demonstrably, stupid.

What you’re doing is making up the story “on the fly,” of the form: “This happens...then that happens...this person says this, and that person says that...and after that...”

You, the narrator, are assigning speeeh and actions for dramatic purpose, no matter the situation, or the personality and needs of the characters. And, you’re ignoring what went before. For example, the folder slapped on the desk in the opening section was said to be, " brimming with papers." But then you say it has 20 blank pages, plus one with writing. I measured 20 pages and it came to .72”, or, a tiny bit more than an eighth of an inch. Hardly “brimming.”

The short version:

You want to write fiction. I think that’s great, because the world needs more crazies who do that. But Fiction Writing is a profession, and all professional knowledge is acquired IN ADDITION to the general, nonfiction, writing skills we’re given in school to prepare us for employment.

Since you learned to read you’ve been choosing only professionally written fiction. You can’t see the tools in use as you read, because as always, art conceals art. But you do see, and demand, the RESULT of using those tools, just as your reader demands it in your work. Those skills aren’t hard to learn, but they’re nothing like those you’re currently using. Nonfiction writing skills "tell." Those of fiction "show."

At the moment, you’re transcribing yourself telling the reader a story, voicing emotion in the narrator's voice that the reader cannot know to place into those words. Your current focus is on what happens, which is the plot. But the reader is more interested in how the protagonist is reacting to the events. So, instead of the viewpoint being the protagonist’s, and the reader understanding the whys of what that character says and does, you talk ABOUT him as an outside observer/explainer.

No character rephrases, hesitates, analyzes, or even uses a sense other than sight or sound.. And you, the narrator, interject information and backstory that’s irrelevant to the protagonist in that moment. How can it seem real to the reader when the protagonist politely shuts up so you, someone not in the story or on the scene lecture the reader and? Would you, were someone to appear by you and start talking about your past to invisible people?

Take a jump over to YouTube and watch the trailer from, Stranger Than Fiction, which will show you what your characters SHOULD do in that situation.

But of greater importance, follow the link below to the Internet Archive and grab a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s an excellent first book on the skills of the profession, and has the power to bring your stories to life for-the-reader. And as a bonus, using those skills makes the act of writing feel a lot like living the events, yourself. It's where the true joy of writing lies
https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

So...this was petty far from what you hoped to see, I know. But since you’ll not address the problem you don’t see as being one, I though you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but with work and study, we can become confused on a higher level.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Lana]

Thank you my friend! This is a greatly appreciated response and I will be taking it to consideration! This, for me, is a first draft to get the story written down. Then the next draft will be personalized and detailed as I learn more from reading and writing! I only put this story here for the specific purpose of what you are responding with, so thank you it’s very helpful input!

[JayG]

• Then the next draft will be personalized and detailed as I learn more from reading and writing!

Great idea, but it won't work. You can't fumble and guess your way into all the things that have been learned about writing fiction over hundreds of years.

As an example, do you know why a scene on the page is so vastly different from one on the screen, and why it must be? How about the three issues we must address, quickly, on entering a scene, to provide context; the role of the short-term scene-goal; why scenes end in disaster on the page; how to end the beginning and begin the ending? We learn none of that in school because no employer needs us to write that way.

But those successfully practicing the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession have learned them because they're needed.

I'm not trying to discourage you. But think about it. You spent YEARS perfecting the nonfiction skills you presently own. Doesn't your story deserve a professional presentation?

The current rejection rate is close to 99.9%. Of more importance, fully 75% of what publishers receive is rejected early on page one because the one writing it has taken no steps to learn the necessary skills of writing fiction. And sadly, because no one ever told them, most of them don't even know that there is another way to approach writing.

Of the remaining 25, fully 22 are rejected because it's unprofessional in approach, which means that if you add those skills, you jump to the head of the line.

In short, try a few chapters of that book, or an article/video or two, to see WHY you need more than the skills of a high school student to write fiction that will pull the reader into the story.

[Lana]

You seem very wise in writing, I will most definitely be reading the book, along with reading other popular fiction novels as examples! I’m already editing my story to fit the criteria posed, and will continue to change it as drafts overlap!

We all start vaguely horrible at writing, only years of practice and studying can accurately accomplish the goal of writing, which I have yet to achieve due to lack of experience (I am only in high school) This is actually my first ever story, so it’s not very good. But I am determined to make it better, to learn emotion instead of just showing and telling. To add characterization and thought processes. Thank you for your tips, and if you have anymore, I will gladly read them!

[Gary]

You can italicize words by pressing control-I. You then go back to regular font by pressing them again.