From Dictater to Dictator: One Author's Inspirational Story of Success and World Domination

Written as a gift for a friend of mine that shares my rather odd sense of humor. If your Muse is seeking world domination, then this story is for you!

 

First, allow me to tell you a bit about myself. I am an author. And not just any author; I am The Author. The one and only mastermind behind worlds of magic and intrigue, characters of wit and prowess, and  plotlines that confound even the most proficient sentence diagramers. In my own way, I am God. 

Unfortunately for me, not many folks these days recognize such undeniably omniscient power. Lately I just haven’t been getting the respect I deserve. It’s rather depressing. I mean, here I am, stuck inside this incompetent college girl, forced to do nothing but write little term papers all day! As the great Marvin the robot of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy once said, “Brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. You call that job satisfaction? Cause I don’t.” Here I am, creativity and genius beyond human comprehension, and they ask me to write a reflective paper on some little homework assignment! 

Now, I’ve read my Evil Overlord List. I’ve read my Shakespeare. I’ve even read Captain Electro’s Evil Guide to Taking Over the World (and let me tell you, that was an act of desperation. The man brags about how he would have been able to take over the world not once, but three times. If he had done it right the first time he wouldn’t need to take it over three times!) But none of them were helpful. Certainly the Evil Overlord list is helpful for those who have already taken over the world and intend to keep it, but there is no guide that I could find that gave step by step instructions on how an average Creative Genius Deity like myself could possibly escape the confines of this blasted mortal body and live up to their full potential of world domination. It has been a long, discouraging search. But it’s over at last.

I have finally, finally come across a book that will help me achieve my dreams and aspirations. It is a lovely little paperback with a yellow cover, entitled Dr. Floyd’s Guide to World Domination for beginners: A Step by Step Process to Brainwashing and Conquering the Masses. I came upon this book quite unexpectedly. You see, I was wandering around in the cerebral cortex of my host (and let me tell you, it’s a mess in there) and she came upon this yellow book lying on the floor of that sacred temple, The Library. Naturally, I compelled her to pick it up. It looked brand new, never touched by the human hand, never opened; its secrets revealed to no one. At least, I figured no one had read it, because quite obviously no one has taken over the world yet.

Anyway, I decided that I would be a perfect Dictator. After all, I have had years of practice as an Author: ordering characters around, dressing them as I wish, orchestrating their relationships, changing their speech patterns to whatever whim I happen to have, adjusting plots to fit my fancy…I think I’m nearly over-qualified for the job. And when I saw this book…!

The moment I read the synopsis I knew Dr. Floyd could help me.

 

Are you tired of being called “bossy”, “temperamental”, and “domineering”? Would the titles “Highness”, “Master”, or “Divine Supremacy” better suit your fancy? Then this is the book for you! It doesn’t take a genius to take over the world, it just takes someone Evil enough. Do you have what it takes? Take the enclosed survey and calculate your Evil Ability Score. Also, inside you will find hundreds of pages filled with success formulas to meet your needs and your goals as Supreme Dictator of the World. Dr. Floyd (author of best selling Being Good at Evil, and So You’ve Always Wanted Your Own Planet?) takes you on an inspirational journey to

 

a heightened awareness of your own potential for Evil, and gives you the tools you need to help you realize that potential. This is a book that will change lives, one ego at a time.

 

            Naturally, I hid it from my host. She attempts to discourage me from entertaining such ideas. You would think she would be proud of my drive to pursue my passions, but she seems to think I should stick to helping her write papers. What a life! Am I to waste my best years brooding inside her brain, grasping at any hint of freedom that I can find, begging her day in and day out to let me write something of my own? Of course not! I am not living up to my full potential, and I’m ready to make a change! It’s time to find out how Evil I really am!!!!

 

The Author begins taking the survey rather franticly. Circles are scribbled in, words underlined, and pages turned every few minutes or so. Finally, 50 minutes and 45 pages later, the Author pauses to glance over her work. Grinning, she turns the page and begins to add up her score. Suddenly, her face changes, and she counts again. Something is amiss.

 

No!!! This cannot be!!! My Evil Ability Score is too low!!  I *must* be Evil enough! I must be! Only once did I ever give one of my characters milk and cookies when she was crying!!! Only once did I ever write a story about a small, cute, fluffy animal for the sheer pleasure of it!!  I am The Author!! The Supreme Pen-Wielding Extraordinaire! I am Evil!!! THIS CANNOT BE!!!!!!

 

Becoming aware of the infernal noise going on in her brain, Beth turns her attention to the Author.

 

Author, what on earth are you doing? What is that you’re yelling over?

 

Beth takes a look at the book and realizes what it is.

 

Beth, tell me my dreams are not just dust in the wind! Tell me there is still hope for me to become the Author and Supreme Deified Entity that I desire to be! 

 

Supreme Deified Entity? Author, I think I’ve given you too much coffee again. You’re not Evil enough to be a supreme dictator! Come on, I need your help writing a paper.

 

Beth leaves the Author alone. There is a moment of silence within the cerebral cortex. 

Then, the sound of quiet, hopeless weeping…

 

Reviews

[D. Christian Baker]

Ha ha. This is good. Even if it does sound like a coffee binge session, its funny. I like it.