Chapter 1

This is the first chapter of my book. Hope you like it :)

Chapter one

 

None of us knew how they had found out, and so many of them. They were all standing outside the three story house shouting “vermin” and “leave our planet alone.” It wasn’t like we were aliens. We were vampires and all human once, even though some of us would never admit it.

    There were too many of them for us to erase their memories, so we were just going to have to find some way to get out.

     Kate wasn’t home from work yet. She was at the Paris fashion week getting her share of the clothes, and everyone else’s which she would nick later. Meanwhile Matt, Summer, Sebastian and I where planning our get away.

    “Look were gonna need a place to live.” I said looking into three very worried faces. This had never happened before. We’d stay in a place for as long as we could before it would be too obvious that we weren’t aging. It was Sebastian who came up with the place. “Well why don’t we go back to Snowdonia?” the room went quiet making my intake of breathe louder than I’d intended.

     The last time we’d lived there it hadn’t ended well. It had ended with my brother being stacked.

 

It was 1866. There were vampire hunters in the village of Beddgelert that was below the mountain we lived on. They were the Underwood family, and they’d got us. All six of us were standing in a line trapped by wooden handcuffs. We could never get them off without injuring our selves because as soon as the chains broke iron daggers would come out of the wood and make us all defenceless. See iron was the one thing apart from wood that was harmful to us. Iron drained our power.

     We all knew that the only way we could get out was for one of us to distract the slayers while the others got the keys to the cuffs and got out. I looked at every face leaving Vlad’s face till last. He was the only one here I couldn’t live without. My brother meant everything to me and that’s when I knew what I had to do.

    But it was too late. Vlad was already walking towards the slayers while whispering “Right when I flick my wrist get the keys and go.”

    He got face to face with both of the slayers, got eye contact and sunk his canines into each of their shoulders once and then flicked his wrist. We all got the keys and ran.

 

   I blinked suddenly to find them all looking at me. “Sorry I was just remembering what happened....” I sighed trailing off. They all frowned remembering themselves. I would never forgive Kate for what happened that night, the way she made my worst fears happen within a matter of seconds, the way she’d ruined my life.

If only I’d drugged her out myself instead of letting her go.

 

   We were all out except for Vlad who was hypnotising the slayers. It was when I turned around that I realised Kate had stopped. “Kate come on we have to get out of here Vlad will meet as back at the house when he’s done.” I encouraged. “He’s going to be fine”

“But I can’t just leave him up there with those vermin.” She said, her faced covered with discussed. “Like I said he will catch up when he’s done.”

    Kate was very good at acting and fooled me completely. “Ok. Come on. Summer and Sebastian are waiting for us.” She smiled a very grim smile but when I turned around again just to check she was still there she was gone, and I knew just where.

    I ran as fast as I could up to the tower in a blur. Anyone passing by properly wouldn’t even be able to see me I was going so fast.

    And there she was. Standing in the dim lit door way, but that wasn’t what got me angry. She hadn’t just waited for him she’d, stormed in with her emotions at high levels sending thunder to rattle in the sky.

    Her entrance had been dramatic. Kate had court Vlad off guard. He span around to look at her standing there with her windblown hair.

    Then everything changed. Vlad had lost eye contact with the slayers to look at Kate, and by doing that they had began to come out of the traces he’d been putting them in.

  First they grabbed him while he was still looking at Kate who wasn’t helping at all by just standing there.

Then they locked him up in the cuffs again, and then pinned him to the floor. He could easily throw them off him but there was no use since he was now wearing the cuffs.

   That’s when it happened. When the blue eyed blonde man lifted and plunged the stake right into his heart.

 

   I could never see myself going back there, but where else could we go at such short notice?

   I sighed and looked up from where my head must have drooped when I began to remember again. They all look at me apologetically knowing how I felt.

I was the first one to break the silence “Ok we’ll go back... but good luck getting Kate to agree to this. You know how she feels about that place.” With that I walked off to my room to start packing.

Author's Note

Sorry if there is anything wrong with grammar or anything else.

Reviews

[TrueVance]

You were right, there were a few spelling mistakes, but I was able to understand what you meant. Anyways overall I like it, the basic theory is a little overdone, but the emotion of the characters was convincing.

I actually felt dislike for Kate, so you did well in that little flashback. Also there are a few sentences where I would re-format the smaller words to help keep the sentences fluent instead of a little choppy.

Like ' Kate wasn't home yet from work' to 'Kate wasn't home from work yet.'

I know I listed a lot of things I didn't particularly like, but I did enjoy the work over all.

[Faeshifter]

I've read the other reviews and they've highlighted the grammatical errors already so I won't have to. :)
I notice that you are UK based so I looooove that you have used 'nick' (slang for steal for anyone else). We really don't get urban fantasy written by English writers so it's just great for me to see it.
From one fantasy fan to another I will say that it really seems like you have your rules worked out. wood and iron as weaknesses is a great plan. Iron is usually only a weakness for fairies but considering that vampires are magically living though dead - why not!
The only fault (other than the typos or grammatical errors) is that occasionally your sentences are a little laboured.
e.g First they grabbed him while he was still looking at Kate who wasn’t helping at all by just standing there.
Considering your age this is something that you will iron out with good old fashioned practice.
Considering your age I am gobsmacked at your ability!!!!

[NJ Schneider]

I haven't been much of a vampire fan since Twilight, TrueBlood, Vampire Diaries etc have hit the mainstream. So the use of vampires is a turn off to me and once again the font is very hard to read.

However, if you make your own spin on the vampire I could see this branching into a wonderful story. Keep writing! :)

[Paris France]

As I expected, a vampire story. May I dare to guess that Twilight was your inspiration?

Vampire stories are strangely enjoyable, they hold a dark enchantment over readers. However, be careful not to fall into the stereo-typical vampire romance pattern. Already some of your themes and details are too familiar having read the Twilight saga and Vampire Diaries. Be sure to keep your writing new and bold, plot twists we wont expect and unique, ever seen before characters.
What you have so far is promising, I plan to keep reading and will hopeful uncover a new world.

That being said, watch out for mechanical errors, just a few to seek out. Also, brush up on your grammar--unfortunately it’s a necessary evil that every writer must delve into. Keep up the good work! I’ll keep reading : )
God bless!

[Paul D. Aronson]

I like the story you are crafting here, however in several places I noticed where either yourself or the spellchecker messed up. These are small matters and i was able to understand what you meant, but i will politely bring them to your attention in case you want to fix them for other readers later on. There has already been mention by other readers of missing words and grammatical errors, so i will only mention ones they did not.

* * *
“But I can’t just leave him up there with those vermin.” She said, her faced covered with discussed. -
I believe maybe you meant to write "disgust".

* * *
Kate had court Vlad off guard. -
Again I believe this could have been a spell check issue. I think maybe you meant "caught" instead of "court".

* * *

There were several areas where commas and periods should have come into play to make the story flow more easily and make your meaning plain. I am very guilty of this myself so please don't think i'm being nitpicky or holier-than-thou. The only other thing i would clear up here and flesh out so to speak is this story's sense of time and place.I got the impression this was a modern tale and then when you backtrack you go back to 1966 and tell of a predicament in a village. The sense of place and time you give to that flashback seems much further away than 1966, unless this is set in an alternate world.

* * *

Over all this a is a good chapter. Just because people notice mistakes doesn't make it a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. There are many within the cafe who want to be better writers, myself included, and honest feedback is never about putting down one's work, but helping to improve on writing that is already good and is on its way to being publishable. You are on to a wonderful story idea here, so keep writing! I'll be back to read more i'm sure :)

[Creepy Swine Guy]

First off, I am no expert. What I offer here is nothing more than my opinions. I'm no bestselling author, in fact I don't even think that I ever even got an "A" in an English class. But I'll tell you what I liked and what I thought seemed a little off. I'm not trying to make myself feel important (I hate when people do that) I'm just telling you what I think. That being said, I'll go ahead and review:

I didn't really understand the following ...

"... and everyone else’s which she would nick later."

Was the word "nick" a typo? Or is it some verb specific to the fashion industry that I am unfamiliar with?

******************************************
Read the following sentence again. See if you don't notice that a word is missing.

"We’d stay in a place for as long as could before it would be too obvious that we weren’t aging."

******************************************
"It had ended with my brother being stacked."

What does "stacked" mean? Is that a typo or is it UK-speak?

******************************************
I blinked suddenly to find them all looking at me. “Sorry I was just remembering what happened....” I signed trailing off.

"Signed"? ... really? There were hearing impaired vampires there?

******************************************
"If only I’d drugged her out myself instead of letting her go."

"Drugged" or "Dragged"?

******************************************


Okay, those are the things that jumped out at me. I would suggest always putting writing through a spell/grammar check. Also ... it's good to have some sort of text reader that will read your words back to you out loud. When we read our own writing, we tend to read what we know should be there as opposed to what is actually there. Beyond these technical items, I cannot speak intelligently about the content of the story as I've never been a voracious reader of vampire stories. You have established a dilemma which creates a question ... "What will they do? Where will they live?" You have also provided a bit of back story as to why the narrator has enmity towards Kate.

[Ted Lambert]

I know the uploads to WritersCafe sometimes don't keep the same formatting - I've noticed periods replaced with ' " '. So I won't comment on the punctuation. For me, I need a little bit more sense of 'place', I really like the action, but am sort of lost as to a basis for what's going on. Hopefully in later chapters?

[~Lizzy♬]

I was kinda confused of who was who and where everyone. Overall I didn't see grammar marks at all! It was great

[Matthews Reggie]

good start, errors - i m sory, i don't know... i never noticed.. i was enjoying the piece...