Shield

About how I've tried to protect myself, but again and again I let myself get hurt.

Over the years I’ve added to it, my shield.  It grows thicker, broader with each passing fad.  The questions is, are they the fad, or am I?  I try not to let them in, telling myself I know better.  But each one finds a crack, a weak spot.  I told myself with you it’d be different.  I’d be careful; protect myself.  I put on a brave face, but my strength is fading.  With you I was cautious, careful.  To follow my heart, only to have it be broken once again; this is what I fear.  Is it worth it, oceans of pain for an ounce of pleasure?  You knew of my fears, and played the prince.   You held my face in your hands and whispered, your lips pressed to mine, “Don’t be afraid.”  Against my better judgment, I let go, placing my shield on the ground, and let you in, let myself be consumed.  Now I’ve woken, alone and blinking in the dark.  Confusion floods my mind.  Are you still the prince, or were you a villain all along?  There is no longer a division of black and white.  Everything has turned a shade of gray.  How to differentiate right from wrong in such a dim reality?  I feel along the walls, trying to regain some balance.  I reach out to you blindly, wondering all the while, will your hand meet mine, help to steady me?  Are you even there?