The Structure of a Polygamous Household

In any relationship, balance and structure prove to be fine arts not always easy to master. In polygamy however, when you add multiple spouses as opposed to the traditional one man and one woman, balance and structure can be even more difficult to achieve. Mixed into the equation are many forms of balance: balance of power, balance of finances, communication balance, and communicative stability in general all play big parts in the success of the Polygamous household.

The consenting adults leading a polygamist household must all share the power over the home through open communication, they must all find balance in caring for one another and any children involved, they must all endorse one another's feelings and opinions in a manner that makes each spouse feel as though they are heard and understood. The question being, of course, how?

I will now warn any feminists or women's rights activists that you may strongly disagree with the opinions I am about to present.

It is my belief that the army of each family does need a sergeant. Not a man barking out orders or drilling relentlessly, but a leader. A leader who cares for those who follow and depend on him, a leader who can take into consideration each need and opinion of his wives: putting them all together to ultimately make a decision that is best for all involved. It is my belief that this leader should, as you have guessed, be the Man: or the Patriarch. It is also my belief that his word be respected as the final word.

Does that mean that I believe men should tyrannically rule over their wives without balance? Absolutely not. Do I believe women should be co-dependant on men? Heck no. I believe women, even stay at home moms should have a high school diploma and some college education. What if something were to happen to the man that leads his household and supports it(ex, a medical instance such as a back operation) that prevented him from being able to work? I feel women should be able to depend on themselves and support a household financially under all circumstances.

It is the mans job as the leader of a polygamous household to do exactly that: lead. He doesn't make decisions and demand everyone to be obedient to his will. He carefully contemplates, takes into thought the needs and opinions of each of his wives, puzzling over how to work out the issues requiring attention. He brings the opinions and desires of all involved clear in mind as he continues with the decision making process. And while the final outcome can not, of course, please everyone: it is my belief that it is the wives duty to stand by his decision as the final word, in respect because they know that while it may not be easy for them: he is making this decision for the better of everyone. These women must be able to trust him in order to do so.

While number one, mutual motherhood, is required to make the polygamous household taste success, even when it's there in powerful form: problems of course can arise between the women. Women in all forms can be very vicious, in general, really try to bring each other down. What happens when the Patriarch of the polygamist household does not lead them, they gradually lose respect for his decisions. Pretty soon, we have an army of children and women bickering relentlessly and not listening to anyone willing to help them resolve matters. A very good example of a polygamous household where the man does not exercise enough power in his home is displayed in HBO's controversial "Big Love" series. I think this show is a portrayal of how polygamy can fail, rather than succeed: simply for how the wives treat each other throughout the five seasons. The cold hearted, malicious back stabbing and lack of communication are all things that can ensue when a the Patriarch does not guide his household to God. Bill Henrickson, the star of the show, does not do this and the entire series shows you what happens because of it. I'll be blunt when I say that he's a total pushover. Those women control him, and in my eyes, that is not balanced.

However, now we encounter another problem when testosterone is mixed into the power equation for the Patriarch. I have personally witnessed and experienced two plural marriage families in real life where the man became tyrannical with the power his wives gave him over them. This is a problem that can occur very often in polygamy, and when it happens in it's worst forms, abuse is more commonly the result. The cases you hear of women escaping polygamy because of the endless abuse can 99% of the time be attributed to this imbalance of the lifestyle. While it is required for success in the problem solving equation that the wives respect his word as the final word, it can also be the recipe for disaster. Some men experience it as a high, a power trip, and become tyrannical with the power they give him, that tyranny then birthing abuse. Abuse of the women and their children, psychologically, verbally and in worst case scenarios even physically.

The polygamist patriarch leads his household, understands his wives, and they help him to understand one another in something I call the chess board concept. Each opinion is taken into deep consideration, and has more insight directed at it because of more spouses being involved. They work together to build their household and their home, feeling strongly connected and involved with one anothers emotional, physical, and general well being as they are all part of the same relationship.

Power is balanced equally throughout the consenting adults of the polygamist relationship, not just the man or any one spouse having 100% of the power. However, in worst case scenarios where an agreement can not be reached, it is the Patriarch's word that is treated as the final word as he takes into consideration each need of each woman and child; leading his household and teaching his children. He is respected and loved by his family while respecting and loving them, letting those emotions dictate his decision making as they face the trials of living polygamy in modern day society.

Ultimately it all boils down to one very big thing. It takes very, very special people to live this life style and make it work. Because I know this first hand, when I do come across a polygamist family that has been at it for years: I hold them extremely high in respect. It takes a man who can see love as an eternal abounding thing that he can never run out of: the true, his and hers forever, kind of love. A source he can tap into, multiplying the love in his heart among his wives as opposed to dividing it. It takes women who can work together and respect his decisions even when it's hard, loving their sister wives so much, feeling mutual  motherhood so powerfully, that they don't become overtaken by jealousy greed or envy. It takes a group of people able to consciously work together in a 25/7 team environment striving for the better of all and a new tomorrow in their household, while battling the hatred our society has for that tomorrow they dream of.

It is never easy.

But it is worth it.

Author's Note

All tactful discussion encouraged between reviewers. Feel free to disagree or agree with my presented opinions at anytime.
Love,
Lady Plurality