Coward

Not your average suicide.

I could feel it. A cool, needle sharp poke on my left breast, right where the organ that sustained me was housed. Heart... Who on earth decided that the t**d-shaped lump of meat that kept us alive could symbolize love? Love...

That single word brought me back to reality. The cold reality of the knife against my chest. The wetness leaking from my eyes. And the tiniest, most insignificant bit of red at the end of that blade. It all accompanied that annoying, incessant murmuring in my head that whispered sweet, seductive words like, "You don't have to do this... You really aren't a burden... It wasn't really your fault that he did this to you... That he took your innocence..." 

I ignored these, of course. The unavoidable image of him on top of me, moving hard and fast, ignoring my screams and pleas until they melted into a soft, pitiful sobbing. Taking my innocence, my gift... And it was all my fault. That's what he told me anyway... That I was a w***e, that I had teased him, driven him to do what he did to me. To "take what I was obviously giving away". 

At the time, I didn't get it. I didn't understand how I had teased him, as he said I had. How foolish I had been... I had no idea that just being female was reason enough for him to harm me. And then, after months of trying to understand it, trying to accept what had been done to me. And finally, I did...

Which brought me here. 

As long as what was between my legs was a vagina, I would never find true peace. This was a men's world. No matter how much feminists tried to change that, no matter how much they all lied and claimed we were equal, we never would be. Men would still hit women, rape them, make war upon each other, and worst of all, judge them. Make them feeling as if they were nothing more than objects. It was sickening... It was horrible...

It was reality. And it was truth...

And so I decided that I had to die... No matter how much I tried to reject it, it was always there... I was an object... I didn't matter. 

I wrote a suicide letter. Very simple for me... I had always been very extravagant. And so...

Here I was. About to die. I looked around at my room, at all these pointless, material things. And suddenly, my door flew open. 

I froze. I don't know what I felt in those moments, I could only repeat one word silently in my head:

F**k.

F**k.

F**k.

There they were. My three companions. Callipso, the cherubic Caribbean girl with her long, raven hair braided down her side. Her wide, shocked brown eyes told me exactly what she was thinking at that moment. I couldn't see Lillian's hazel ones beneath all that red hair, but I could most definitely see the pale, lightly freckled hand gripping the door handle. 

But that's not what shocked me, that induced that dying, sinking feeling in my stomach. Alice's icy blue eyes were cold, as always. They, as they always did, looked down on me. She was one of those insufferably egotistical people, without meaning to be. And as she casually brushed a stray hair out of her face, she looked me right in the eye and named me for what I am.

"Coward."

Callipso and Lillian whirled, most likely about to unleash a s**t storm upon her, but one horrible glare silenced them. Her thin legs brought her forward, closer to where I knelt on the rough texture of my ugly carpet. 

She cocked her head to the side, one of those disgustingly kind smiles gracing her lips. "Coward..." She repeated again softly.

The other two hung back, the redhead shaking in fury as the exotic, raven-haired lass held her back and muttered soothing things into her ear. 

And suddenly, she was on the ground too, looking at me, staring at me with those condescending eyes. 

"You let them win... You let the world win. Honestly... I expected better from you. That's why I picked you. You let all those people who hurt you win, and I know you know it. And I just can't believe you did..." 

She looked drained as she uttered those last words. Faraway. In those few moments, the indifferent demeanor faded, leaving an utterly defeated wasteland. Alice had always told me that I was her hope for this world. Something so unique from all the others had known. She had confided in me her study of the human race... Telling me that I was such a rare specimen. I had laughed at her, of course, in good nature. She was such a queer person, but I was happy I could please her... Always happy to please anyone, she had told me. 

And it killed me. Not only were her words true, but I had disappointed her by falling prey to what she liked to call "faulty human emotions". She liked to tell me how I had deeper ones, true ones, whatever that meant... 

I opened my lips to speak, thinking I could only say why I was going to end the tragic and pathetic dance I performed. 

"He raped me..." I croaked softly, my voice strangled by the tears. 

That was all it took. They were all there, kneeling by my side, hugging me, stroking my short blonde hair. Alice looked at me curiously.

"Garhett?"

"Yes..."

"I'll be back in an hour or so..."

And with that she was gone. 

I don't remember falling asleep in Callipso's and Lillian's arms. I don't remember being carried to my bedroom. I don't remember Alice coming into my room and kissing me on the forehead, a crimson splotch on her collar.

But I do recall seeing my monster, my rapist on the news, saying that he had been missing for two days. I also recall the ghost of a smile on Alice's lips his name flashed across the glowing screen. 

We never spoke about that night again. 

Author's Note

Um... Yeah. Just.. Review. This was on a whim... When I should have been studying, so enjoy!