Self Personal Sketch...Who Am I

A Personality Psychology assignment to take a look at who we are from all aspects. This is a very severe look at my life!

Self Personal Sketch
LadyAnn Graham-Gilreath
ID #: 3868518
V00643719
Emerald Lady

WHO AM I ?

The way we look at ourselves can be an assortment of colors. Each color has a special meaning to each of us. For me personally; I see white associated with pureness, truth, cleanliness, all that is good (versus evil), pearls, and angels. Yellow as bright, happy face, light, sunny, blonds (have more fun?). Orange are the Leo’s;  lions, tigers, cats, always landing on your feet, kings of the forest, power, fire, cat eyes, summer, pumpkins, Halloween, scary, bold, determined, and loud.  RED…..now this is the most potent of all colors representing a volatile and explosive range of emotions and sometimes uncontrollable feelings. The three top would be; anger, mad, anxiety, fantasizing revenge, getting even, boiling over, settling the score, blood; love, the heart, valentines, deep, meaningful, something that we want, sentimental relationships, togetherness; sexy, HOT, desire, latex or sequence tight short or long form fitting dress, lethally enticing, powerfully potent, controls your body overriding the mind, loss of willpower, a slave to, takes over momentarily, all consuming, addictive! Blue is frisky, clear skies ahead, deep blues of the ocean, beautiful eyes, feelings of sadness, a category of music, cold, ice, frigid, prude, Narcotics Anonymous chip worth six months clean time, beer drinkers or winos, cold winter nights, the month of December against white snowflakes, equilibrium, balanced, content, and serene. Black represents dark/darkness, associated with evil/bad, sexy to wear, a different color of skin, get away with wrong-doings, the most beautiful stallion, masculine color, nighttime, funerals, a hole in the galaxy, space, a color that compliments every other color when paired with it! Finally….Green ….this is my favorite and immediate color and who I am now at the age of over 50!  Green is Life, the trees that give us our air to breath, the color of money which is power, the color of all systems GO, the most positive color there is, the color of the traffic light that means go forward (never backwards), the sexiest eyes, and the violent rage of jealousy, and a stormy ocean! It is a newborn, the first lady, the best that you can be, when the family is copasetic, when everything is on target, moves ahead, completeness, has drive, springtime, fresh, determination, success!

Next we must consider nature versus nurture. Who we are genetically is the format of whom or what we can become. But the fact is that nurturing this is a part of environment, the environment that we are born into and/or brought up within our early childhood that shapes and presents our first attributes of character. For example; did we come from a loving family that was a whole family, or a single parented family, rich versus poor including where you live and under what conditions, dysfunctional families or domestically violent families. All these factors play an important role in shaping our attitudes, are morals, are sense of wanting to achieve, to be somebody special or be nobody special. Many of us begin our lives by wanting to follow in our parents footsteps or to be as they are. As infants we copy what they do. Our parents instill in all of us their ideas and prejudices. It is up to us as adolescences when we start forming our own opinions through schooling, peer pressure, the opposite sex, and our environment. The teachings of our parents stick or they don’t it is depending on the strength of your personal character, you identity. What you believe in makes all the difference.  (God helps!) Everybody needs to be good at something or they feel like failure. If this happens at an early age then turning down the wrong path is inevitable and can be very damaging to both the person and their family.

Also emotions can be a strong deterrent from the normal path of individualism. This is where my story begins and who I am!  I was born under the destiny of the color Orange. I was born in the summer; I am a Leo, powerful and a fire sign. I always land on my feet , survive the impossible; as you will witness in a moment. But to begin my story, as old as I am, I will try to be brief, I started out like any other infant born in the color white and pure but of different nationalities in a time where this was not accepted. I was born with a Cuban father who did not speak English and was a physician; who met my mother in medical school and who also happened to be an English professor. My fathers realtives were all from Cuba and they all lived in Miami where we ended up most of my life.They were very poor and worked three full time jobs. My mother had me at the age of 38 and I was an only child. I never had to share anything and my parents always did things for me. I was very spoiled (and even at this age would like to stay that way)! During my childhood I followed the color of yellow and was like most children happy! I loved my father and emulated him at every turn I could. He played chess and was the state champ as am I. My adolescence was boy happy and I went to private schools, but when boys seemed to take over my ability to study my father put me in the convent; it was the smart move at the time but didn’t work in the end. I was accepted to Florida State University for a scholarship in math. But when I went there it was my first time away from the demands of my parents, my over achieving perfect parents! I went wild and started dating like crazy and skipping class and wanted to meet every boy on the campus. I was thin and athletic, I had been an over achiever and had many awards for track and swimming marathons! My body was thin and fit, and without my mother there to constantly help my apparel, I dressed like a want-to-be-w***e; short miniskirts and boots! I met a marine and like him so much that I wanted to be with him all the time and became possessive.

Here is where my world changed for the rest of my life…..he introduced me to cocaine! I caught him cheating; actually found him in bed with another woman because I would not go to bed with him. I was still a virgin! It was too much for me to handle and the cocaine took over and I became an addict in a matter of months.  I left school and went home to Miami, where I had too much time on my hands and my father wanted to know when I was returning back to school. But I was not ready to return to the pain of him. So I started out to have some vacation and have some fun! I met HIM at a 5 star restaurant and fell in love that very second I laid eyes on him. A Greek God with black hair and emerald green eyes. My life went to the dramatic raging color of RED, in more ways than one. (go back and read the color of red) I was sexy and into sex, in love and let him bed me; I was his slave for life, his to command forever! (I was a lunatic!) I got pregnant and he said he did not believe in God and would never marry me! I had an abortion and my father disowned me. (In my day that was a terrible thing especially if you are half Cuban). My whole family turned against me. I went to the streets and set out to have my way and make him jealous. I found a smuggler, a pint size dynamo that married me the moment he saw me. We eloped, another thing my father never forgave me for. But this man had endless amounts of cocaine and I escalated to into a world of false pleasures and pains. I did not know what was real or not. I adopted his two children and was pregnant when they came into our home and shot my husband and children and I miscarried under the bed where then never found me! For the next twenty five years, I lived the night life of cocaine and became impossible to deal with. I had money and I was demanding, arrogant and thought I could buy anybody, (and you pretty much can with money and drugs). Now drugs will rule your life and destroy all that you know and love including all of your family. Many of the men I encountered thought they could beat me violently making me do what I did not want to or trying to get my money! I was beaten up to at least 12 times and in the hospital for broken bones and other body parts destroyed. Domestic violence in the poverty or black sections of town is incredible! I lived and suffered it, but the crazy thing here is it was by choice!

One of my husband’s costumers was an NFL superstar for the Dolphins, he thought I would succumb to his idiosyncrasies and I said, “NO”, and he raped me in a pool with my head under water until I let him do it! I spent two full months in a rape center not speaking a single word to anyone. My humiliation was complete. Here is where my destiny of orange mixed with black and became scary! I contemplated suicide! But that is a very hard thing to perform; self preservation is the strongest of our instincts! I couldn’t do it!

Finally my father was now old and sick; I went home to take care of him. He had tried as hard as did I to change my path of life, to rehabilitate me! He spent over $500,000 above both my parents’ insurance money and I was in over 22 rehabilitation clinics, 15 years of trying and relapsing, 23 NA white chips, 10,000 woman’s groups, Miami Behavioral Counseling court ordered, and 25 psychiatrists and psychologists.  On September 3, 2003 was my last time I did drugs and I am clean now 7 years. My father died in 2001 while I was in jail. My mother was now very sick also and I stayed home with her. We became best friends again and she taught me to read, read for fun instead of getting high. This period of my life could be considered the blue period! I was content to have very little and have my mom again! As long as there was no money in my hands I was free of temptation which is still there at times when I am sad. We did everything together. She got me a puppy to love, a beagle and I did so love that dog. Then in 2005 Miami was hit with nature, 4 consecutive hurricanes that destroyed me, drowned my mother and dog, and leveled my home to the ground. I was under water for six weeks and lived to see the end of that when I got cancer; six malignant tumors in my right breast and four in my left,  in my neck and back. I could not go to the hospital; I was scared they would disfigure me. This is the black part of my life! Something that was very real…… cancer! I wanted to die, Jump into the unknown of no pain and freedom from this agony of health risk! For two years I worked in and privately owned elderly facility that I grew to love those old people! I cooked cleaned and gave them all their meals and medications. They got me through a rough temptation of going back to drugs and out of the dark with love. I was alone and lonely, but they helped me in ways I can’t describe. Each morning became a yellow day with happy faces to see me!  But I grew worse and very ill and could not avoid the surgery I needed.

It was 2007 and I was dead broke and had nothing but the clothes on my back! I broke down and called HIM from the 30 years past, the man I fell in love with. Took the risk and called him here in Minnesota! He said to come up and he would help me get started with a new life up here. So I did. I came and decided to try to go back to school as he was a law librarian and very smart. I felt uneducated and had never touched or seen a computer.  So I applied at this University just taking a chance that I might get accepted, not telling him. Then I decided to go to the county hospital and let them do the surgery. I had faith in God now and believed he did not let me survive all that I had to quit on me now!

On November 12 I had the cancer surgery and was hard to recover. On December 8^th I received a letter from the University of Minnesota. I was too scared to open it. On the 25^th, Christmas day, I got a call from the hospital and the doctor saying that I was cancer free and Merry Christmas, so I got brave and opened the letter that same day and was ACCEPTED! I thought I heard God himself say you did it! I am proud of you! For the first time in my life I was happy and positive, my life became the color green and still is today!

In January 2008 I started my first term here and I got my first computer! WOW what a difference a compute makes. I lived in the day where there were no computers, we had to type on carbon paper and we had to go to the library not just access them form a computer. You can do everything on them and I have found it very rewarding.

Well this is not the end of my story. He left me and abandoned me up here and moved to Tennessee. Even though he did not love me and I do still love him I am here and making my way independently for the first time. I have my own apartment, pay bills, make appointments on time and go to school and I am over the age of 50. My life being straight is the high but now I am into my education and the information age. There is more to life than getting high and men! I am now living my dream and being successful is a determination I am forced to go with. I want to graduate more than life itself and I am not a very good student but I have learned more here at this University than any other place in my life!

Now back to who I am?
I am a woman who was born into a good family of professionals,

who gave me everything I could need or want,

who was taught the Christian way and knew right from wrong,

who strayed but experienced  love and rejection,  (better to have lost at love than never to have loved)

who got caught up in a world she could not handle of addiction, and is an addict and always will be,

who failed the first time at school because of love and her strong emotions,

who suffered untold indignities at the behest of those drugs and drug life style,

who lived and learned the streets of inconsideration and viscous violence,

who suffered the murder of her family in front of her own eyes,

who was raped by an NFL star,

who lived through natures destructive forces, and lost everything from her past and beginning,

who became sick with real cancer and  then cured,

who had lost her faith in God but was renewed with my mother’s help,

who crossed the country to begin a new live with a new environment and took the chance,

who tried to start with a new education and am doing it,

who is alone with two kitties and happy!

Personality wise: I am funny with a lively wit, sarcastic to a fault, and because I am alone my worst fault is I talk too much and too fast! I am lazy but don’t mind helping other people. I am not prejudice!

I have lived the spectrum of colors and I am in the emerald city of my life with a very yellow happy face.

I have more energy than most people! I am bold and determined to succeed!  I am a survivor! I am resilient to a fault and bounce back to LIFE without question!

LadyAnn Graham-Gilreath

2009

© for LadyAnn Graham-Gilreath

 

 

Reviews

[A. Amos]

LadyAnn.........Wow my friend one of the very classic tale of truth a true anecdote that gives you very positive thought. I adore your knowlegde and intellectual soul and you never giving up on life and face all challenges out of dust you turn yourself into Gold. As i get couarge from your tale, i believe the whole world will be motivated by your wonderful tale........

[LadyAnn68]

Wow thank you for those kind words I got an "A+" for this piece and thought I would put it up there as a story! I will be starting my autobiography soon! Catch you later tonight!

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome....