Self Personal Sketch...Who Am IA Story by LadyAnn68 A Personality Psychology assignment to take a look at who we are from all aspects. This is a very severe look at my life! Self Personal Sketch WHO AM I ? The way we
look at ourselves can be an assortment of colors. Each color has a special
meaning to each of us. For me personally; I see white associated with pureness, truth, cleanliness, all that is
good (versus evil), pearls, and angels. Yellow
as bright, happy face, light, sunny, blonds (have more fun?). Orange are the Leo’s; lions, tigers, cats, always landing on your
feet, kings of the forest, power, fire, cat eyes, summer, pumpkins, Halloween,
scary, bold, determined, and loud. RED…..now this is the most potent of
all colors representing a volatile and explosive range of emotions and
sometimes uncontrollable feelings. The three top would be; anger, mad, anxiety,
fantasizing revenge, getting even, boiling over, settling the score, blood; love,
the heart, valentines, deep, meaningful, something that we want, sentimental
relationships, togetherness; sexy, HOT, desire, latex or sequence tight
short or long form fitting dress, lethally enticing, powerfully potent,
controls your body overriding the mind, loss of willpower, a slave to, takes
over momentarily, all consuming, addictive! Blue is frisky, clear skies ahead, deep blues of the ocean,
beautiful eyes, feelings of sadness, a category of music, cold, ice, frigid,
prude, Narcotics Anonymous chip worth six months clean time, beer drinkers or
winos, cold winter nights, the month of December against white snowflakes,
equilibrium, balanced, content, and serene.
Black represents dark/darkness, associated with evil/bad, sexy to wear, a
different color of skin, get away with wrong-doings, the most beautiful
stallion, masculine color, nighttime, funerals, a hole in the galaxy, space, a
color that compliments every other color when paired with it! Finally….Green ….this is my favorite and
immediate color and who I am now at the age of over 50! Green is Life, the trees that give us our air
to breath, the color of money which is power, the color of all systems GO, the
most positive color there is, the color of the traffic light that means go
forward (never backwards), the sexiest eyes, and the violent rage of jealousy,
and a stormy ocean! It is a newborn, the first lady, the best that you can be,
when the family is copasetic, when everything is on target, moves ahead,
completeness, has drive, springtime, fresh, determination, success! Next we must
consider nature versus nurture. Who we are genetically is the format of whom or
what we can become. But the fact is that nurturing this is a part of environment,
the environment that we are born into and/or brought up within our early
childhood that shapes and presents our first attributes of character. For
example; did we come from a loving family that was a whole family, or a single
parented family, rich versus poor including where you live and under what
conditions, dysfunctional families or domestically violent families. All these
factors play an important role in shaping our attitudes, are morals, are sense
of wanting to achieve, to be somebody special or be nobody special. Many of us
begin our lives by wanting to follow in our parents footsteps or to be as they
are. As infants we copy what they do. Our parents instill in all of us their
ideas and prejudices. It is up to us as adolescences when we start forming our
own opinions through schooling, peer pressure, the opposite sex, and our
environment. The teachings of our parents stick or they don’t it is depending
on the strength of your personal character, you identity. What you believe in
makes all the difference. (God helps!)
Everybody needs to be good at something or they feel like failure. If this
happens at an early age then turning down the wrong path is inevitable and can
be very damaging to both the person and their family. Also
emotions can be a strong deterrent from the normal path of individualism. This
is where my story begins and who I am! I
was born under the destiny of the color Orange. I was born in the summer; I am
a Leo, powerful and a fire sign. I
always land on my feet , survive the impossible; as you will witness in
a moment. But to begin my story, as old as I am, I will try to be brief, I
started out like any other infant born in the color white and pure but of
different nationalities in a time where this was not accepted. I was born with
a Cuban father who did not speak English and was a physician; who met my mother
in medical school and who also happened to be an English professor. My fathers
realtives were all from Cuba and they all lived in Miami where we ended up most
of my life.They were very poor and worked three full time jobs. My mother had
me at the age of 38 and I was an only child. I never had to share anything and
my parents always did things for me. I was very spoiled (and even at this age
would like to stay that way)! During my childhood I followed the color of
yellow and was like most children happy! I loved my father and emulated him at
every turn I could. He played chess and was the state champ as am I. My
adolescence was boy happy and I went to private schools, but when boys seemed
to take over my ability to study my father put me in the convent; it was the
smart move at the time but didn’t work in the end. I was accepted to Florida
State University for a scholarship in math. But when I went there it was my
first time away from the demands of my parents, my over achieving perfect
parents! I went wild and started dating like crazy and skipping class and
wanted to meet every boy on the campus. I was thin and athletic, I had been an
over achiever and had many awards for track and swimming marathons! My body was
thin and fit, and without my mother there to constantly help my apparel, I
dressed like a want-to-be-w***e; short miniskirts and boots! I met a marine and
like him so much that I wanted to be with him all the time and became
possessive. Here is
where my world changed for the rest of my life…..he introduced me to cocaine! I
caught him cheating; actually found him in bed with another woman because I
would not go to bed with him. I was still a virgin! It was too much for me to
handle and the cocaine took over and I
became an addict in a matter of months.
I left school and went home to Miami, where I had too much time on my
hands and my father wanted to know when I was returning back to school. But I
was not ready to return to the pain of him. So I started out to have some
vacation and have some fun! I met HIM
at a 5 star restaurant and fell in love that very second I laid eyes on him. A
Greek God with black hair and emerald green eyes. My life went to the dramatic raging
color of RED, in more ways than one. (go back and read the color of red) I was
sexy and into sex, in love and let him bed me; I was his slave for life, his to
command forever! (I was a lunatic!) I got pregnant and he said he did not
believe in God and would never marry me! I had an abortion and my father
disowned me. (In my day that was a terrible thing especially if you are half
Cuban). My whole family turned against me. I went to the streets and set out to
have my way and make him jealous. I found a smuggler, a pint size dynamo that
married me the moment he saw me. We eloped, another thing my father never
forgave me for. But this man had endless amounts of cocaine and I escalated to
into a world of false pleasures and pains. I did not know what was real or not.
I adopted his two children and was pregnant when they came into our home and
shot my husband and children and I miscarried under the bed where then never
found me! For the next twenty five years, I lived the night life of cocaine and
became impossible to deal with. I had money and I was demanding, arrogant and
thought I could buy anybody, (and you pretty much can with money and drugs).
Now drugs will rule your life and destroy all that you know and love including
all of your family. Many of the men I encountered thought they could beat me
violently making me do what I did not want to or trying to get my money! I was
beaten up to at least 12 times and in the hospital for broken bones and other body
parts destroyed. Domestic violence in the poverty or black sections of town is
incredible! I lived and suffered it, but the crazy thing here is it was by
choice! One of my
husband’s costumers was an NFL superstar for the Dolphins, he thought I would
succumb to his idiosyncrasies and I said, “NO”, and he raped me in a pool with
my head under water until I let him do it! I spent two full months in a rape
center not speaking a single word to anyone. My humiliation was complete. Here
is where my destiny of orange mixed with black and became scary! I contemplated
suicide! But that is a very hard thing to perform; self preservation is the
strongest of our instincts! I couldn’t do it! Finally my
father was now old and sick; I went home to take care of him. He had tried as
hard as did I to change my path of life, to rehabilitate me! He spent over
$500,000 above both my parents’ insurance money and I was in over 22
rehabilitation clinics, 15 years of trying and relapsing, 23 NA white chips,
10,000 woman’s groups, Miami Behavioral Counseling court ordered, and 25 psychiatrists
and psychologists. On September 3, 2003
was my last time I did drugs and I am clean now 7 years. My father died in 2001
while I was in jail. My mother was now very sick also and I stayed home with
her. We became best friends again and she taught me to read, read for fun
instead of getting high. This period of my life could be considered the blue
period! I was content to have very little and have my mom again! As long as
there was no money in my hands I was free of temptation which is still there at
times when I am sad. We did everything together. She got me a puppy to love, a
beagle and I did so love that dog. Then in 2005 Miami was hit with nature, 4
consecutive hurricanes that destroyed me, drowned my mother and dog, and
leveled my home to the ground. I was under water for six weeks and lived to see
the end of that when I got cancer; six malignant tumors in my right breast and
four in my left, in my neck and back. I
could not go to the hospital; I was scared they would disfigure me. This is the
black part of my life! Something that was very real…… cancer! I wanted to die, Jump
into the unknown of no pain and freedom from this agony of health risk! For two
years I worked in and privately owned elderly facility that I grew to love
those old people! I cooked cleaned and gave them all their meals and
medications. They got me through a rough temptation of going back to drugs and
out of the dark with love. I was alone and lonely, but they helped me in ways I
can’t describe. Each morning became a yellow day with happy faces to see
me! But I grew worse and very ill and
could not avoid the surgery I needed. It was 2007
and I was dead broke and had nothing but the clothes on my back! I broke down
and called HIM from the 30 years past, the man I fell in love with. Took the
risk and called him here in Minnesota! He said to come up and he would help me
get started with a new life up here. So I did. I came and decided to try to go
back to school as he was a law librarian and very smart. I felt uneducated and
had never touched or seen a computer. So
I applied at this University just taking a chance that I might get accepted,
not telling him. Then I decided to go to the county hospital and let them do
the surgery. I had faith in God now and believed he did not let me survive all
that I had to quit on me now! On November
12 I had the cancer surgery and was hard to recover. On December 8th
I received a letter from the University of Minnesota. I was too scared to open
it. On the 25th, Christmas day, I got a call from the hospital and
the doctor saying that I was cancer free and Merry Christmas, so I got brave and
opened the letter that same day and was ACCEPTED! I thought I heard God himself
say you did it! I am proud of you! For the first time in my life I was happy
and positive, my life became the color green and still is today! In January
2008 I started my first term here and I got my first computer! WOW what a
difference a compute makes. I lived in the day where there were no computers,
we had to type on carbon paper and we had to go to the library not just access
them form a computer. You can do everything on them and I have found it very
rewarding. Well this is
not the end of my story. He left me and abandoned me up here and moved to
Tennessee. Even though he did not love me and I do still love him I am here and
making my way independently for the first time. I have my own apartment, pay
bills, make appointments on time and go to school and I am over the age of 50.
My life being straight is the high but now I am into my education and the
information age. There is more to life than getting high and men! I am now
living my dream and being successful is a determination I am forced to go with.
I want to graduate more than life itself and I am not a very good student but I
have learned more here at this University than any other place in my life! Now back to
who I am? who gave me everything I could need or want, who was taught the Christian way and knew right from wrong, who strayed but experienced love and
rejection, (better to have lost at love
than never to have loved) who got caught up in a world she could not handle of addiction, and is an
addict and always will be, who failed the first time at school because of love and her strong emotions, who suffered untold indignities at the behest of those drugs and drug life
style, who lived and learned the streets of inconsideration and viscous violence, who suffered the murder of her family in front of her own eyes, who was raped by an NFL star, who lived through natures destructive forces, and lost everything from her past
and beginning, who became sick with real cancer and then cured, who had lost her faith in God but was renewed with my mother’s help, who crossed the country to begin a new live with a new environment and took the
chance, who tried to start with a new education and am doing it, who is alone with two kitties and happy! Personality
wise: I am funny with a lively wit, sarcastic to a fault, and because I am
alone my worst fault is I talk too much and too fast! I am lazy but don’t mind
helping other people. I am not prejudice! I have lived
the spectrum of colors and I am in the emerald city of my life with a very
yellow happy face. I have more energy than most people! I am bold and determined to succeed! I am a survivor! I am resilient to a fault and bounce back to LIFE without question! LadyAnn Graham-Gilreath 2009
© for LadyAnn Graham-Gilreath
© 2014 LadyAnn68Reviews
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Added on February 6, 2014Last Updated on June 1, 2014 Author
LadyAnn68Canton, SDAboutI am in my 50's and a student at Grand Canyon University for my Masters of Science in International Addictive Studies. I plan to do my PhD in Addiction Psychology at Intern at Boston Treatment Center. more..Writing
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