"English" English

Just a little bit of fun. A sort of comedy voiced in cockney reciting a true antidote of a robbery. Based on a true story.

Lor' luv a duck! Me an' my bluds wen' fer a pin' ov Giancarlo Fisichella down da nuclear sub fer an Jet Fighter Friday. We were game fer a laugh, be'in' on footie, playin' darts an' chattin' up da Richard the Thirds, when me blud Jerry said 'e was leavin' ter go back 'ome ter 'is Plates and Dishes, which is Hairy Muff. So 'e surf an' dreft 'alf drunk, trippin' an' stumblin' as 'e wen' an' stopped at da post office fer some Oily Rags. Apart from da attendan' 'e was da only one there.

Eyein' up da crisps, old Jerry was 'ryin' ter pick a bee's knees flavaaahr, which can be 'ard when you’re oliver twist like a fart. He was reachin' fer da bacon frazzles when 'e 'eard a right to-do at da coun'er. He peered horse an' 'ound da corner ter see what all da double decker bus was about.

The shopkeeper was standin' wiv 'is 'ands raised shakin' like a leaf while dis uvver geiser was pointin' a rifle at 'im. The chicken pie demanded ter da shopkeeper, “Fill dis bag wiv all da bangers an' mash in yaaahr yiddish piano.”

The shopkeeper did as told an' moved ter fill da bag. As 'e stepped towards da till da Tea Leaf noticed a aristotle ov whiskey sat on da shelf behind da block.

“And da Scotch!” He said.

The shopkeeper looked at 'im as said: “I don’t believe yaaahr eighteen, I’m michael owen ter need some ID”

In a 'urry da thief 'eld aaaht 'is drivers licences, an' allk da aristotle an' da bangers an' mash an' scrammed. This was when Jerry came aaaht ov 'is 'idin' hong kong an' asked da shopkeeper if 'e was alreet as 'e was grinnin' like a Cheshire-cat an' replied what 'e 'as da chicken pies name an' address memorised. Old Jerry then cam runnin' cilla black an' told us da whole Frankie. What kind ov silly laaaht would do a thin' like that! . Know what I mean?

Anyway gotta go...grandprix on. Lawd above!

 

Author's Note

I hope you can understand it cause i can't lol.

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

I kind of enjoyed the challenge; the reader's mind has to do a double-take and think in rhymes, which is kind of cool. The cockneys I know aren't as bad as this, so I'm assuming that you exaggerated a bit?

I get that "chicken pie" is referring to the guy with the guy, but can't think of the rhyme/twist - what's the literal translation for this one? Oh, and "Hong Kong"?
[yiddish piano = till, right? is that a non-rhyming one, just a racist slur type of slang?]

Pretty cool. A few times the dialect seemed to go more '50s Northerner than Londoner - or maybe I just don't mix with enough Cockneys haha. Like, "Lor' love a duck!"
Impressive that you managed not to swear in this, only in the rhyming-slang way.

[Kristin Brecoe]

Haha. That was amusing. I gave it a try, but still found my mind slightly all scrambled. I don't know if I could learn to speak like that. It would confuse me soo badly.

[Ruby Moon]

lol....i couldnt understand most of it
but i can grasp that the thief show the shopkeeper his drivers licence
and that the shopkeeper remembered the whole thing?
and this whole story is being related by a guy to another?
>

[alternative_be]

I'm a non native speaker of English, but used to be a regular viewer of 'Eastenders'!
This is Eastenders +... It's like watching Eastenders without using the 888 - function of your remote control!
No, I did not get all of it, but you gave me a good laugh!

[Heidi]

Ahahahaha! I liked it so much! I think I will go around for the rest of my life saying "Lor' love a duck!"

I don't care what anyone says, dialect in writing is amazing. I guess some people can stomach actual chilies in their chili and some people just live with beans. You did a great job shaving the chilies all over in my dinner today! Thanks!

[R J Askew]

You have a good ear...and this shows you can swtich from historic gentry parley vous to cockney rebelese. I think geiser is geezer. 'Ruby Murry' foxed me when I first heard it = curry. As did 'Gloria Gaynors' = trainers. And now there is a rich strain of carreee-be-an London street to bend the ear. The origin of cockney rhyming slang was to fox the Peelers...maybe that is still true!