The bash

                             Checking their appearance one last time in the mirror of the car, Iy and Mel both let out a little giggle and simultaneously said "Well here goes nothing, boys here we come!" Grabbing their lawn chairs, beach bags and ice chest filled with some fruity girly drinks they headed to the big oak tree near the waterhole. The party was in full swing, people laughing, dancing, girls dressed in their best most flashy bikinis dangling their goodies for the boys, and of course some of the jocks were tossing the football around. Everyone was having a blast and the girls couldn't wait to join them.

                               "Over here" yelled Zak. He was Mel's person of interest the last few months. Shed try all of her best efforts to stay out of the friend zone and hoped one day very soon, like today, he'd finally ask her out on a date. Zak was about 5'8 tan, with hazel eyes, black hair and gorgeous. Definitely warrior god material and Mel was perfect enough to be his goddess. They'd be a perfect fit.

                                  As the girls made their way to Zak they grabbed two of the fruit drinks and popped them open taking two quick swigs to lighten the nerves before getting to him. With Zak was the rest of the crew; Mason, Charlie, and Duke. All three just as good looking as Zak with similar traits but none were related. Iy and Mel were the only to girls in their usual group. They preferred less catty girls with sticks up they butts. The boys were much easier to tolerate most of the time.

                             The guys greeted the girls as they finally got their spot by the water. When they caught a glimpse of lyanna, their smiles seemed wilder and more hungry like. It was at this point that Iy felt like crawling into a deep dark hole, away from the stares and whispers. She thought she may have had to much make up on or a smudge on her face that needed to be rubbed off. They couldn't possibly be staring at her because she looked good. That seemed unlikely. Coming back to the conversation and out of her head she heard Duke say she look amazing almost like an emerald princess or goddess of some sorts. Mel did good. And to hear someone like Duke say that, well that was something. He wasn't huge on giving compliments, he mostly kept to himself and studies preparing for college; girls weren't his first priority right now since graduation was just around the corner. most of the guys besides Zak would be gone next year so the girls didn't really try to date them just fancy them from afar was better then heart ache down the line. Plus those eye candies on their arms made all the other girls jealous, they liked that satisfaction.

                                     The sun started setting and nightfall was near. The bonfire was lit and people we already dancing and partying around it as the music played in perfect harmony with the atmosphere. It was great. The girls at that point had maybe one too many drinks and felt a little free taking their tops and bottoms off showing the bikinis underneath which only let to more ohhs and ahhs and gawks. Attracting more attention, specifically boys to them. They stopped caring anymore; not like they could control the other people, so they just carried on having a wonderful time.

Reviews

[matrixmark]

'dangling the goodies for the boys' - what a line - that made me gin.

With regards to the party maybe put in what the music sounded like to give a little more depth.

I have to say that some of the other lines you used in this piece were really quite funny. Particulary the catty girl remark.

The first sentence on the fourth paragraph needs to be shortened.

From this... Finally getting to their spot by the water the guys all greeted the ladies with hugs and smiles but this time theirs smiles seemed much wilder and hungry when they caught a glimpse of Iyanna who at this point felt like crawling into a deep dark whole from all the stares and whispers from everyone.

To this...The guys greeted the girls as they finally got their spot by the water. When they caught a glimpse of lyanna, their smiles seemed wilder and more hungry like. It was at this point that Ly felt like crawling into a deep dark hole, away from the stares and whispers.

I see potential in your writing as you do paint a good picture as to what is going on within a scene. But it comes with time.

The notes above I hope you take them as being positive and not in a bad way. I am just trying to steer you in the right direction.

Your writing is good and I do enjoy the picture which you paint with your words.

Mark.