Do you remember?

Don't you remember
the bustling crowd
the tinsel, the ride, the toffee apple you threw in the bin?
The girl with the guitar singing the JCB song,
the air so cold, the bubbles floating by?
December's eve 2012, the big "switch on" of the lights
that flickered the first time so were told to cheer louder?
do you remember now?

Don't you remember,
entering the empty hall
bar the group of people nodding in front of the stage.
Buying water with the pound coin in your pocket
being pushed into the centre
your mind suddenly thinking that you could pull off the robot?
you couldn't.
but you laughed anyway.
Clapping when someone did the worm,
catching his eye as he realised that you know the words
watching a slow dancing couple
whilst smirking at green eyes next to me.
Shrugging off someone else's dance offer
after a split second of both of us glancing at the possiblity.
 you later realise he is everywhere.
Laughing at the macarena,
Missing the photograph;
evidence of your existence shattering.
Be my valentine.
Do you remember now?

Don't you remember
her suggesting that track? because
of your tasteful music-ness.
and then joking in class
and then your father hears it,
eyes gleaming, wide grin,
Are you listening to the Pixies?
"yeah" I look up from the paint spattered carpet.
Do you remember now?

Don't you remember
the new addition of the skateboard?
the wind in your hair as you pedal behind him.
feeling enough reckless and wild for one day.

Don't you remember
queueing, and standing, and badge buying,
and glancing at the girl who's feet hurt
before turning back and grinning.
Singing, and smiling, and breathing in
...life.
or that day where if you had reached out
you would have touched him.
in fact you did,
The jumper fabric definitely counts.
Do you remember now?

Do you remember
being late. and over packing.
and salty eyes. mosquito bites.
and sitting on the window ledge that morning
before clambering back in before the old woman saw you.
and the pool or Nativity or your hands?
Do you remember now?

or actually going out on Halloween?
catching candy; dodging eggs.

or scrambling the dates
and going to the park?

I do.

I remember feeling like I was ready
I don't anymore.
I remember thinking I'd be organised.
I'm not, not in the slightest.
I remember feeling free.
I'm nearly there.
sometimes.

Author's Note

written a few years ago, to an older self