Incarnate...

 

As water drips down a leaky hotel faucet, a woman peers into an oval shaped mirror contemplating her not so distant future. A duet of voices breaks the silence. One is masculine and anxious. “Marjon are you ready yet? We have to be downstairs in twelve minutes...” The other is an innocuous child’s mimicry. “Yeah twelve minutes…” A shrill, irritated voice muffled from behind the cloak of a hotel washcloth replies, “I’m coming... hold on!”

Dr. Marjon Pedhala Oldham - wife, mother, scientific journalist, freelance columnist for Lunar Magazine and tonight’s recipient of the OMNI award for excellence in the field of scientific discovery in journalism. This is to be her night to shine. A live cable broadcast banquette honoring her with the award is scheduled to start in one hour. With this comes an allotted twelve minutes for her to speak in acceptance. But Marjon has other plans unknown to her newlywed husband, Peter, and four year old, amazingly gifted and intelligent, daughter Sarafina. By now, they have been knocking on the bathroom door in tandem for nearly five minutes.

“Honey… we have to be leaving an-” Peter is cut short by the opening of the door. “I said I was coming.” A more relaxed Marjon, now adorning a Mona Lisa-esque half smile, exited the bathroom. With no hesitation, Peter rushes on. “Good, we have about seven minutes. The C-SPAN guys phoned earlier and need you down there to mic you up. And… are you okay? You seem distant.”

“Mommy are you alright?” The voice of Marjon's angelic child spoke.

Their words are not heard. They seem to bounce off the shell of a woman deeply in tune with what she’s about to do. “I’m fine,” she squeaked. And with that the three left the quaint little suite to be unexpectedly met by two young men wearing C-SPAN laminates pinned to their matching uniform style shirts. The younger looking of the two hesitantly stepped forward and spoke.

“Dr. Oldham, ma’am, we were sent to escort you down to the proper area for your treatment.” Their words seem foreign to Marjon, who stands half startled and stiff while Sarafina tugs at her evening gown, staring at the young men. “Okay”, Peter replied as they began to follow the young men.

The walk down the thin corridor to the elevator was long and seemed to move in slow motion. Sarafina skipped to stay in stride and continued to tug at her mother’s evening gown as her tiny feet occasionally got caught in the drugget. But Marjon, now inwardly focused, transfixed herself like the biggest card counting cheat keeping a poker face in Vegas. At the same time, keeping in step with the awkward pace of their designated leaders. And as if the tense pain staking silence of an eighteen floor controlled plunge downward wasn’t enough, the walk from the elevator to the Eden Lauré Ballroom seemed to be the most hectic. Each step shook the planet; moreover, the world of a now rubber legged scientific journalist.

Minutes or so have passed and Marjon is now mic’d and made up. Peter and Sarafina had disappeared in the sea of anxious supporters and colleagues a short while ago. But she wasn’t thinking of them. The moment for her speech is almost here and the ballroom, converted banquette hall, is probably as full as it’s ever been.

The energy of the room is directed towards a dimly lit podium area where on either side laid banquette seating. Marjon couldn’t help but be reminded of a comedic roast by the nights’ settings. However, tonight is no comedy of errs. As the people scatter to their respective seats, it’s fairly evident to Marjon that her moment is nearing.

The preliminary banquet ceremony is now ending and Conrad Sellers, the OMNI organization’s leading proprietor, is about to introduce Marjon to the television-viewing world. Following the air of applause and a brief introduction... “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce to you your OMNI award winner in the field of scientific discovery in journalism... Dr. Marjon Pedhala Oldham.”

The applause, at first, is almost mesmerizing to Marjon. Following a brief pause in her actions to take it all in, she speaks. “Thank you”, she mumbles. “This award is very special to me in ways that you could possibly never imagine. It is however, very ironic as well...” She pauses to clear her throat. “See when I started my exploration in DNA in the late seventies, there were set boundaries as to what extent one could examine without disturbing the sensibilities of peoples who think that certain perimeters of human understanding be better left unknown. In order for you to further understand, I must now revert to a story from my early days of undergraduate studies at MIT...” Looking perplexed, she shuffles through a stack of cue cards then hastily continues.

“Picture this, it’s a few hours past dawn in Allain, a small border town on the outskirts of Lake Ontario, Canada. The time is 9:43 a.m. and the residue of last nights’ rainfall is fading across an orange and silver skyline, supplying the backdrop for an otherwise normal day. The date is August 9th, 1974; a calm, serene Saturday morning on Sherman Street, where the echoes of cartoons are jostled into a horrifying uproar with an unsuspected joint siege by both the Canadian Mounties and the FBI on the estate at 1539 - a heavily guarded plot of land that served as home, office, and private laboratory for Samuel A Levesque, one time yogi and world renowned physicist and botanist...”

The audience of peers and supporters respond in astonishment with sordid whispering and “oohs” and “ahs” dancing between the dialogues of their honoree. Marjon adjusts to the adverse reaction and continues.

“The siege, which included numerous gunshots and apparent casualties, witnessed by a neighborhood of encapsulated onlookers peering behind an unnoticed cloak of Venetian blinds and curtains, ended with Dr. Levesque arrested, his entire estate ‘confiscated’, and the entire surrounding neighborhood quarantined in a three-block radius for nearly four years. With ongoing investigation, eyewitness account was documented as to the neighborhood inhabitants being taken and placed in military camps similar to those used by the U.S. government during the last world war in their treatment of the Japanese-Americans.

Reports of grueling and dehumanizing series of examinations took place. The few willing to talk about it quoted this as being the ‘treatment tests’. This brought about almost immediate attention to this matter by Amnesty International, the ACLU, and various other groups of this nature, but... no one responded. The public never found the end result and Dr. Levesque was never seen in Allain or anywhere else again.

The events following his arrest are unclear. It seems that even now, countless years after the siege, that no one is all the more clever of the situation. Dr. Levesque’s estate is now open to the public to examine, but apparently all intrinsic evidence was taken and only fragments of jumbled data are left. An apparent cover-up, right...?”

The hall is silent and has been for some time now. The desperation in her voice is evident. The totem of which the name Dr. Marjon Oldham was held seemed to be plummeting as she spoke, whereas the only feed-back was that of the clashing frequency noises between her blouse microphone and her podium microphone. Nonetheless, she continued.

“...He was unfolding miracles that would potentially change the world forever.” The pitch in which she spoke shifted with each emphasizing remark. Still there was silence. Simultaneously, two cameras flashed, startling Dr. Oldham like an alley junkie cowering from dancing shadows. Apparently rattled by her audiences’ rather stiff reaction, she continued.

            “...Um, for the past eleven years I have been receiving information detailing the experiments Dr. Levesque was working on. Code-named ‘INCARNATE’ – an exploration in DNA examining... an… And splicing. Splicing to recreate life.” She is again as boisterous as when she started. “Dr. Samuel Levesque spliced DNA. He took samples from various different sources, and created actual beings. Now I don’t know if scientifically we can call them humans, but their structure and appearance are those of everyday living human beings.”

Clearing her throat, Marjon continues. “This award tonight is for the exact same experiments Dr. Levesque started way back in 1973. Except he was shunned and eventually damned for his works and now you’re honoring me.”

            The audience is outraged into uproar. A once esteemed colleague, on this the night of indoctrinating her talents to prestige, now appears to be falling into the anonymity of a common loon. Even her husband Peter, judging by his skewed facial expression, can’t believe his ears.

           As the clamor of the audience stills to a dull roar, Marjon nobly thanks her crowd of peers for the award and vanishes behind the curtain that served as the backdrop for her iniquitous outpour. Still amazed by Marjon’s speech of sorts, all eyes (including Peter’s) now curiously turn toward her beautiful, amazingly gifted and intelligent daughter Sarafina, as the news cameras flash repeatedly.

Author's Note

author's note: i don't really dream anymore. instead, i get images in my head similar to polaroid snap shots. these are the premise to the bulk of my writing. most times the snap shots are difficult to put into words. this is an instance where i think i captured the image. lemme know what you think...

Reviews

[mick weller]

He's cut short by the opening of the door. (who? Peter?)
Peter is cut short... better?

adorning a Mona Lisa-esque half smile (maybe just a half smile?) Lisa-esque a bit clumsy? - the imagery draws your reader away from the story?

Does this refer to what is said next? ie blurts:

the angelic child's voice spoke. (?) voice? spoke? (back note: now I see this was a 'seed'... for the perfect child?)

squeaked (?) - she said I'm fine - I heard her ok?

'exited' - ok once i think as in - She exited the bathroom. (In the hallway they were met by two...)

O.k.", Okay?

pain staking

comedy of errs - errors?

(") Reports of... - add " - also here? "The events... (just to add a little precision perhaps?)

Ok so now we understand the 'perfect' daughter...
yes I can see that you have captured the image here... and I can see why it has been difficult to put into words - you are expecting a lot from your reader in the complexity of getting onto the stage to deliver what is essentially the 'BIG' confession* as well as aluding to a major scientific bombshell, and I suspect that the significance of the 'perfect' angelic daughter is lost on most readers (I never read other reviews as I like to read the piece 'clean')

*all eyes (including Peter's) - so her husband doesn't realise the daughter is part of the DNA experiment (?)
'...and created actual beings. Now I don't know if scientifically we can call them humans, but their structure and appearance are those of everyday living human beings." '

'The audience is outraged into uproar. A once esteemed colleague, on this the night of indoctrinating her talents to prestige, now appears to be falling into the anonymity of a common loon. Even her husband Peter, judging by his skewed facial expression, can't believe his ears.'
This doesn't 'help' the reader - but then I can see that it's not meant to... it does build tension to what is to follow... hmm...
I think, this piece extends you, as the writer, beyond - 'what you know' - but from what you say, as your inspiration for the piece is a single image - it's a good job. But you need to concentrate on getting that final vital piece of the jigsaw across more clearly I feel...
But a fantastic image you have there - kind of X files stuff? and who knows what's gone on 'out there'
your big challenge as I see it is to get those 'snap shots' into a more disciplined framework...
great though - brilliant idea!

[b_for_bradley]

You did an excellent job of taking an idea and presenting it in a very short time and in an effective manner. This story presents an idea in a new light for people to consider wihtout extra dramatization. Your grammar and structure is also very good, although I consider this far less important than richness of the ideas presented, which you definitely had.

Great form and choice of words, well painted imagery, well versed speech and appropriately sounding speeches.

And a very important part.

A very, very, interesting story and plot.

This is a very good piece.

[Phil R Jacobsen]

You have a fantastic first paragraph. Although after it you begin to tell more than show. The simple fact that she is receiving an award shows that she is a very talented woman. You don't need to dress up your dialogue with tags. If your words are believable enough you wont need to add tags like "angelic voice spoke." It feels like your showing off. But it was a very interesting story. Rewrite it please.

ah its the daughter, that was really well written, it kept me in suspense and the ended was so unnexpected. i thought maybe she was going to shoot a bunch of people but this ending is much better.
A clever little turn of events 5 stars

[Enigmatic Amor]

Great suspense...loved how you followed the main character's thoughts. I felt the end needed a bit more development. A surprise is good in a piece like this, however it felt like an afterthought. A bit more foreshadowing within the piece may help this.

I'd love to see this piece continue into a full story. It kept me rivetted.

[M_S_Lay]

Sorry it took me so long Ive been readinf submissions for a contest and I just got through all of them.
As far as your story goes, Im going to tell you straight. I am not good as an editor. I dont look for the technical skill of your writing and I am not good at pointing out whether or not you used the correct tense of a word.
That said, I judge stories by if they entertain me or not. This one did GREATLY.
Nice work, its going on the favorites list

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

First of all, thank you for the read request, and I am sorry that it took me awhile to get to it. This is a great story. The ending was amazing and very unexpected. Even when she was giving her speech, I was so enwrapped in what she was saying about the other scientist that her daughter didn't even cross my mind. Your story also shows how people and time can change things. What was once unacceptable in the world, is now honored and it is all because time and people are changing. They crave more knowledge, power, and money, and they will do just about anything to get it. I would also like to say that you did a great job in providing excellent detail to put the audiance in the same place as your characters. Your imagery is amazing.
I especailly love the first sentence, "As water drips down a leaky hotel faucet, a woman peers into an oval shaped mirror contemplating her not so distant future." It really catches the audiance's attention because we want to know what is her not so distant future. You did a very good job in keeping your present tense through out the story. Sometimes, it is hard with these kind of stories to keep everything in the present without using some past tenses, but I think you did a great job in avoiding the past tense.
I do have some commentary however. These are only suggestions and you are not obligated to do any of them. They are there for your use or not use, if you choose. After all, you are the writer and the story is best when it comes from you.

" hotel washcloth replies. "I'm coming... hold on!"" --- Use a comma after replies.

"wife, mother, scientific journalist, and freelance columnist for Lunar Magazine and tonight's recipient" --- Since you put these items into a list, it would flow better if you removed the "and" before freelance and keep only the one "and" before tonight's.

"to start in 1 hour." ----Since you spelt out the number twelve in the first part of the paragraph, make sure to be consistant. Use one, instead of 1, or if you like, change twelve to 12 and keep 1 as it is.

"other plans unknown to her newlywed husband Peter and 4 year old," ---- Put commas on both sides of Peter [ ,Peter, ] and same things as above for the 4.

"But Marjon has other plans unknown to her newlywed husband Peter and 4 year old, amazingly gifted and intelligent, daughter Sarafina, who by now have been knocking on the bathroom door in tandem for nearly five minutes." --- This is a run on sentence. Try rearranging the words a bit, so that you can place a period
or two in there.

"With no hesitation Peter rushes on." ---- Comma after hesitation.

""Mommy are you alright?" the angelic child's voice spoke." --- Try something like The voice of an angelic child spoke. Since you have the question mark after alright instead of a comma, the sentence after that is just a fragment.

"They seem bounce off the shell" ---- Place a "to" after seem.

""I'm fine", she" --- The comma goes instead the quotations.

"And with that the three left the quaint little suite to be unexpectedly met by" --- Comma after that. Try putting "only" in before the two. That will help it to be two joining sentences, instead of a run on.

"Their words seemed foreign to Marjon, who stood half startled and stiff, staring at the young men as Sarafina tugged at her evening gown." --- The word placement for this is a bit off. You may want to try rearranging some of the words to make it flow better. Suggestion: "Their words seem foreign to Marjon, who stood half startle and stiff with Sarafina tugging at her evening gown, staring at the young men."

"cheat keeping a poker face in Vegas, while at the same" --- This sentence is a run on. You can change that by placing a period after Vegas and starting the next sentence with "At the same".

"area where lie on either side banquette seating."---- where on either side laid banquette seating. You words seem a bit misplaced.

"DNA in the late seventies" --- comma after seventies.

"silver skyline supplying the backdrop" --- Comma after skyline.

"The siege which included " --- Comma after siege.

[TL Boehm]

I would say - although I am not in your head seeing those snapshots firsthand that you have translated thos images into some fine storytelling here. Definitely you created great tension and almost a surreal tone with the focus of Marjon - and then the speech she gave. And you set the hook as the cameras turned on the little girl. Well done.

[bluessadmood]

that was so nice ,i have heard a lot of scientists going through such dilemmas i heard some scientists ,in Europe in the middle of the last century ,they would institution themselves in metal home under different names to escape harassment of their governments,even there snitches were planted,and some of the great minds were killed ,it was put in a play by Dernmart,of switserland,i read once that his writing has lots of truth in it ,great write here ,i love these mysterious plots everyone tries to hide it from us,this is great writing ,i congratulate you