Burdened

I feel the sound, deep in my soul,
Feeling the waves boiling like hate,
I carry the burden of my child,
I am losing my own debate,
Tearing away the mask of deceit,
I claw at the bitter emptiness,
Hoping for that lost salvation,
To realise, it is hopeless.
My enemy knows my heartache,
As I feel my waking dreams choke,
The thoughts return to trouble me,
I do not want to be bespoke.
If I am lost, who will find me?
I can not let them know the truth,
For every question there is no answer,
I have to find my fountain of youth.
I fight for those who can not fight,
Mine is always the thankless task,
My own child is in their echoes,
As I once again, wear the mask.

Reviews

[R E Tree]

Very morbid. From reading it the poem sounds like thoughts of a parent trying to protect their child but they seem to hav no hope. Words such as thankless, heartache, deceit, trouble and emptiness bring sadness and a negative vibe to the poem but that isn't a bad thing becoz its expressive. I can see why the poem is called Burdened from the use of words it sounds the parent is very burdened. And from reading it a few times it feels like the poem is meant to be longer and have shorter lines. There is a lot of I being used but overall quite a creative, thoughtful and depressive poem

[Shanice]

^ your right was going to say sort of the same thing but u got it

[Luke Rawlings]

Thank you Rose, morbid was my aim. I'll take your criticism into consideration, it will help me design future poems. :D

[Shaun Payton]

I like the bespoke usage. "My own child is in their echoes, as I once again, wear the mask. strong piece Luke.

[Luke Rawlings]

Thanks! :D

[Shaun Payton]

welcome!:)

[Emberlorna]

Wow. I could relate to this so perfectly. It's as if I've been in a daze for a long time without realizing it... your poem so beautiful in it's sadness, woke me. I'm in awe. Amazing piece.

[Luke Rawlings]

Thanks! I am glad it helped you in an enlightening kind of way. ;D

[Jo Todd]

Great Poem but in the line "I do not want to be bespoke." are you sure bespoke is the word you want? It sort of feels out of place to me. Bespoke means to be tailor made and makes me think of bespoke software or fitted suits. Overall though great poem.

[Luke Rawlings]

I am positive. I do not want to be tailor made, I want to be me. Hence the imagery of the mask. Thank you! :D

[Jo Todd]

Gotcha, maybe its just the phrasing, I dunno

[The Lone Wolf Prose]

I feel the weight of the poem...the drudgery and relentless spiral it seems to exude...Do feel there is a lot of "I" in there and that the heavy feeling could be accentuated more by cutting out a bit of that. The difference between

I feel the sound, deep in my soul,
Feeling the waves boiling like hate,
I carry the burden of my child,
I am losing my own debate,
Tearing away the mask of deceit,
I claw at the bitter emptiness,
Hoping for that lost salvation,
To realise, it is hopeless.

to perhaps this:

I feel the sound, deep in my soul,
Waves boiling like hate,
I carry the burden of my child,
Losing my own debate
Tearing away the mask of deceit,
Claw at the bitter emptiness,
Hoping for that lost salvation,
To realize, its is hopeless...

I don't know...it depends on your style but the rhythm and rhyme scheme you have going on seems to dictate that kinda iambic pentameter beat (possibly just a byproduct of end-rhyme schemes, which typically happens in that case).

Also the flow of this poem has a natural quatrain structure - in that the coupling of your stanzas are of four (again probably the rhyming) but I like how you don't separate it in a way...making it denser as a poem...not letting it break the monotony or bulk of "the burden" you carry...

An interesting write...I think you should really look at the structure of a poem as a whole. I see in it so many possibilities as there are really two stories interwoven in it... One way you could look at it is like this: the difference between reading it the way you have it or coupling it (true couplet form) like in the example below - giving rise to a completely different meaning in this poem:

I feel the sound, deep in my soul,
Feeling the waves boiling like hate,

I carry the burden of my child,
I am losing my own debate,

Tearing away the mask of deceit,
I claw at the bitter emptiness,

Hoping for that lost salvation,
To realise, it is hopeless.

Putting it in couplet form you can clearly read almost two separate stories going at once (something I experimented in with in a few of my own poems as well). If you were to just read the first line of every couplet as one poem, then read the second line of each couplet as another poem you have these very intriguing stories that compliment each other, but also can be seen as two different voices. It is like a battle of souls, these shackled entities, each clamoring to be heard but are overlapping...
Very fascinating poem. So much to read into this. I look forward to more and seeing what you might do with this poem if you consider revisiting it.

LW

[The Lone Wolf Prose]

Hahah again sorry for such a long review!

[Luke Rawlings]

That long review was really helpful! Thank you! I never considered the two voices approach, that is a really good idea. I don't like this poem, so I will definitely be rewriting it soon. You have given me lots of ideas on how to start that. Thank you! I have no idea how to write in iambic pentameter, so to hear I have almost done it is good. Thanks again! :D

[The Lone Wolf Prose]

Hahah no problem! Just glad I could help :)

LW

[Coyote Poetry]

"I can not let them know the truth,
For every question there is no answer,"
Life allowed us to decide who and what we are. One decision can change a journey. We will wear many masks in a life. Better to keep control and know who you are. I like the tale in the poem. Thank you for the excellent poem. Made me think. Goal of a writer.
Coyote

[Luke Rawlings]

I am glad it made you think, and you are most welcome. Thank you for a good review. :D

[char]

Sehr Gut!!! :D

[Luke Rawlings]

Thank you! :D

[Zap-the-awesome]

Hello batsy...so good to see you
Heh heh heh heh... Heh heh heh heh....
Aaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!
All joker batman jokes aside, good work! I like it!

[Luke Rawlings]

My, you are one cheesy Joker :P. Thanks :)