THE SMILE

How can a smile arouse suspicion in a 14 year old? This short story will make you think, "you wanna learn to smile, consult mr. fedou!"

THE SMILE

“You wanna learn to smile? Consult Mr. Yolo Fedou.”

Last Sunday… I was doing something in my room… I don’t quite remember what it was but don’t worry; it has nothing to do with the incident that took place just after. So, I was doing ‘something’ in my room when suddenly I heard people shouting outside, “Long live DonaCare! Long live Mr. Fedou!” This statement, when repeated ten times or so, irritated me. “Why are these people repeating the same phrase like anything…? And what kind of name is Fedou?” I went to the window and saw a large procession bathing… in money. “What? Why are these people throwing away notes on the road? Have these people received some bonus? Am I hallucinating?” the curiosity to know the truth led me downstairs and near the crowd.

I saw a lanky man standing in the middle of the crowd. He was picking up the income thrown carelessly by some ‘selfless’ people on the road, and carefully packing it in a large sack tied to his shoulder. On the sack was scribbled-‘Yolo Fedou- the Donation Man of India’. “Oh!” I thought, “It’s yet another donation organization, fooling around, nibbling away at the people’s income for free; not my business.” I took a glance at Mr. Yolo and then went back to my house. The crowd receded after some time.

Mr. Fedou had gone but something inside told me that something wasn’t right; there was some flaw in this perfectly perfect picture. I remembered glancing at the lanky man; his face kept coming into my mind. What a handsome face! What a merry face! What a complacent face… what a wicked face…

Next day, the same procession hijacked our street. This time I went down spontaneously. I entered the foolish crowd and came face to face with Yolo. I dug my hand instantly into my shirt pocket, produced a 2000 Rs. note and handed it over to the man, all this while looking at his face. Yolo thanked me and gave me one of his ever-impressing smiles. You wouldn’t believe it but I too had a smile on my face as Yolo Fedou left (although it was not as charming as his). After all, 2000 isn’t that large of an amount to pay to reveal the truth behind DonaCare… and Mr. Fedou.

As I was going back home, my friend Tommy came and blocked my way. Tommy was 5 years older than me. He was a part-time private detective who possessed a treasury of micro-cameras with him. “Where is the M-6 camera you took from me? It was the tiniest one in my loot.” he inquired. “I’d surely return it in a day or too”, I made an excuse and ran back home. I couldn’t give Tommy back his camera… at least not now. And how in the world could I? After all, it was not with me; the tiniest camera in Tommy’s loot was sticked firmly to the Rs. 2000 note which I had willingly given to Mr. Fedou.

I went to my room, turned on my computer, opened a few applications and within a minute, I had gained access to my little friend. The M-6 took me into a piteous and depressing godown filled with stacks of some ‘selfless’ people’s income. Suddenly, a lanky man entered the godown. Hello Mr. Yolo! Unfortunately he was not smiling. Instead, he had a revolver in his hand and his shirt was smeared blood… and hey! I didn’t see the frightened man tied at a corner of the godown; well he wasn’t a man after a few seconds or so… he was a dead man, lying to the mercy of Mr. Yolo Fedou’s ever-sinister smile.

My fear and morality took the better of me and I was forced to shut the computer down. The most I did was to trace the location of the M-6 and send it to some police station. That night, I kept thinking about Yolo… he’d be in some other godown at this moment, delivering his smiles to some other fellow who had discovered the flaw in this perfectly perfect picture…

A few days later, while reading the morning newspaper, I came across an article titled-‘Cops Bust a Gang of Conmen Who Posed Themselves as a Donation Organization’. A merry smile came to my face (still not as impressive as him).There was a picture of the culprits too. Everyone in the picture looked as if their souls had been sucked out of them… except the man standing in the centre. He was a lanky man and had the most impressive smile I had ever seen. Why is this fool smiling? Isn’t he going to jail? Instantly, every piece of this flawless picture registered itself into my mind. I immediately went back to my room and scribbled on a piece of paper the words-‘YOLO FEDOU’. YOLO FEDOU… FOLO YEDOU… FOLODE YOU… FOOLED YOU! Before I could go back to see him, my mind began to obliviate… the lanky man on the street… “Long live DonaCare! Long live Mr. Yolo Fedou”… and the ever… oh the ever-impressive smile…

Ahilaan Saxena

IX-B

© 2019 Shakespeare's Boy

Author's Note

CAUTION: MR. YOLO IS STILL ON THE RUN, UNCAUGHT, UNDEFEATED. HE AWAITS A SMILE MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN HIM; MORE GLAMOROUS THAN HIM... MORE EVIL THAN HIM...

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Reviews

JayG

Well, you did ask...

First, we can't transcribe ourselves telling a story in person as you do here. Storytelling of that kind is a performance art, where HOW you tell the story—your performance—matters as much as what you say. And all trace of that performance is erased on the page. Have your computer read it aloud and you'll hear how different what a reader gets is from what you get when you read it aloud.

Next, And related to that, look at the opening lines as a reader must. Unlike you, they have zero knowledge of who's speaking, why, where we are in time and space, or what the purpose of a given line is until AFTER it's been read. In short, your intent for the lne never makes it to the page. But that intent is what guides you as you read it.

• Last Sunday… I was doing something in my room… I don’t quite remember what it was but don’t worry; it has nothing to do with the incident that took place just after.

1. Last Sunday? Would the story change were it Saturday? Last year? No. So what does this say that sets the scene, develops character, or moves the plot? Nothing. In short, the opening lines do nothing but slow the read.
2. The ellipsis isn't a super comma. Nor is the semicolon a comma. Punctuation marks are tools that help the reader "hear" the story as you intended. But for that to happen both you and the reader must know and use the same set of "rules."
3. Why does it matter that the speaker was "doing something?" Would the story change were they napping? Would it change were it presented as just "in my room? This matters to a reader because every word they read takes time, and slows the story if it's not relevant. In this case you not only mention the "something," but you then explain that it's irrelevant.

Why do I dwell on this? Because you used nine words to say you were in the room and twenty-three to tell the reader to ignore it. Does that make sense? No. In the words of James Schmitz: “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

Bottom line: Telling a story on the page is a very different thing from doing it in person, and it's something the writing skills we're given in school can't do. There, we learn nonfiction writing, because our future employers need us to write reports and essays, not stories. So the approach to presenting a story on the page is very different from both telling it in person and the report-writing we do in our school days.

It's not a matter of literary writing, it's one of having the tools needed to do the job. Remember, every profession has its own set of skills, most not obvious to those outside the profession. And Fiction-Writing is a profession, filled with things what, on hearing, you'll say, "But that's so simple...why didn't I see it for myself?"

Want an example? Try this on a few friends: In half or greater of the fiction (and lots of nonfiction too) you'll find in the library, there is something different about the first paragraph of every chapter, of half or more of the books there. It's simple, obvious, and something you see all the time. But can you tell without looking? most people can't. And if we miss something so obvious, will we see the small but necessary things, like how to make good use of the short-term scene-goal?

So in the end, if you write for yourself you can do so in any way you care to. But if you want to please a reader... Well, that's something else. They, like you, have been reading only professionally written and polished work since they learned to read. So it's what they expect. But if you know none of the tricks-of-the-trade of writing fiction, can you provide that?

The solution is simple. Spend a bit of time, an perhaps a few coins on picking up the skills of the fiction-writer. If you are meant to write the learning will be fun. If not, well, you'll have learned something important. So it's win/win, right? There are lots of books on the subject. One I often recommend is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

I truly wish there were an easier way to give such news, given that it often feels like a sharp kick in the pants, since it's so unexpected. But here's the thing: You have LOTS of company. pretty much everyone who turns to writing fiction are unaware that they know only nonfiction writing skills because we forget that the purpose of educating the public is to provide employers with a pool of prospective workers with skills the employers find necessary. It's why you were assigned so many reports and essays, and so few stories.

Will reading a book or two on writing fiction make a pro of you? Of course not. That's your job. But like chicken soup for a cold it might not help, but it sure can't hurt.

For an idea of how much you’re missing, you might look at a few of the articles in my writing blog. They’re meant for the hopeful writer—not to teach how to write, but give an idea of what must be learned.

So have at it. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 5 Years Ago

Well, you did ask...

First, we can't transcribe ourselves telling a story in person as you do here. Storytelling of that kind is a performance art, where HOW you tell the story—your performance—matters as much as what you say. And all trace of that performance is erased on the page. Have your computer read it aloud and you'll hear how different what a reader gets is from what you get when you read it aloud.

Next, And related to that, look at the opening lines as a reader must. Unlike you, they have zero knowledge of who's speaking, why, where we are in time and space, or what the purpose of a given line is until AFTER it's been read. In short, your intent for the lne never makes it to the page. But that intent is what guides you as you read it.

• Last Sunday… I was doing something in my room… I don’t quite remember what it was but don’t worry; it has nothing to do with the incident that took place just after.

1. Last Sunday? Would the story change were it Saturday? Last year? No. So what does this say that sets the scene, develops character, or moves the plot? Nothing. In short, the opening lines do nothing but slow the read.
2. The ellipsis isn't a super comma. Nor is the semicolon a comma. Punctuation marks are tools that help the reader "hear" the story as you intended. But for that to happen both you and the reader must know and use the same set of "rules."
3. Why does it matter that the speaker was "doing something?" Would the story change were they napping? Would it change were it presented as just "in my room? This matters to a reader because every word they read takes time, and slows the story if it's not relevant. In this case you not only mention the "something," but you then explain that it's irrelevant.

Why do I dwell on this? Because you used nine words to say you were in the room and twenty-three to tell the reader to ignore it. Does that make sense? No. In the words of James Schmitz: “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

Bottom line: Telling a story on the page is a very different thing from doing it in person, and it's something the writing skills we're given in school can't do. There, we learn nonfiction writing, because our future employers need us to write reports and essays, not stories. So the approach to presenting a story on the page is very different from both telling it in person and the report-writing we do in our school days.

It's not a matter of literary writing, it's one of having the tools needed to do the job. Remember, every profession has its own set of skills, most not obvious to those outside the profession. And Fiction-Writing is a profession, filled with things what, on hearing, you'll say, "But that's so simple...why didn't I see it for myself?"

Want an example? Try this on a few friends: In half or greater of the fiction (and lots of nonfiction too) you'll find in the library, there is something different about the first paragraph of every chapter, of half or more of the books there. It's simple, obvious, and something you see all the time. But can you tell without looking? most people can't. And if we miss something so obvious, will we see the small but necessary things, like how to make good use of the short-term scene-goal?

So in the end, if you write for yourself you can do so in any way you care to. But if you want to please a reader... Well, that's something else. They, like you, have been reading only professionally written and polished work since they learned to read. So it's what they expect. But if you know none of the tricks-of-the-trade of writing fiction, can you provide that?

The solution is simple. Spend a bit of time, an perhaps a few coins on picking up the skills of the fiction-writer. If you are meant to write the learning will be fun. If not, well, you'll have learned something important. So it's win/win, right? There are lots of books on the subject. One I often recommend is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

I truly wish there were an easier way to give such news, given that it often feels like a sharp kick in the pants, since it's so unexpected. But here's the thing: You have LOTS of company. pretty much everyone who turns to writing fiction are unaware that they know only nonfiction writing skills because we forget that the purpose of educating the public is to provide employers with a pool of prospective workers with skills the employers find necessary. It's why you were assigned so many reports  and essays, and so few stories.

Will reading a book or two on writing fiction make a pro of you? Of course not. That's your job. But like chicken soup for a cold it might not help, but it sure can't hurt.

For an idea of how much you’re missing, you might look at a few of the articles in my writing blog. They’re meant for the hopeful writer—not to teach how to write, but give an idea of what must be learned.

So have at it. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100