What I Am

This is just a short story inspired by a song by Damien Rice. All of the dialogue is the lyrics from his song, "Volcano". Each paragraph follows a verse and partial chorus of the song.

 

She sat near the edge of the bed hugging her knees tightly to her chest. Unconsciously, she was squeezing so hard that the color of her knuckles matched the white walls. As he stepped out of the bathroom, he began buttoning his shirt slowly. Noticing her cream colored knuckles, he cocked his head in concern and said, "Don't hold yourself like that, 'cause you'll hurt your knees." Her head jerked up and her eyes focused on his grey orbs. Relaxing her grip and shifting her position, she forced a smile and replied with words that dismissed his concern. After smoothing all the wrinkles out of his shirt and running his hands through his perfectly gelled hair, he shuffled over to her and knelt at her feet. Smiling widely, he caressed her face and gently kissed her lips. Dissolving in his kiss, she parted her lips and wrapped her arms around his neck. Reluctantly, he softly unclasped her hands and pulled away from her. Still smiling, he shook his head and reminded her of the time. Forcing her face into a pout, she acted hurt and asked him if he was sure he had to go. Clearly amused, he pecked her lips one last time and joked, "I kissed your mouth and back. That's all I need." He leaned closer and muttered something in her ear about seeing her tomorrow and then walked out of the room. Once the door closed, she cradled her chin and sighed aloud, "What I am to you is not real."

Some months later, she saw him in the halls as she did on a daily basis. Simple nods in passing sufficed for public communication. One time, he had grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. After looking around frantically to see if other students noticed, she had pushed him away and furiously whispered, "Don't throw yourself like that, in front of me." That was all he needed to warn him against acknowledging her in public. Unfortunately, his professional coldness quickly turned into a complete emotional freeze. On a particularly emotional night, he attempted to leave as he was accustomed with a simple kiss and quick goodbye. The death grip on his arm told him that leaving wasn’t an option this time. As kindly as possible, he attempted to peel her hand from his upper arm. Finally releasing his arm, she slapped him across the face and yelled through her tears, “I kissed your mouth, your back! Is that all you need?” Backing away solemnly, he simply uttered in response, “What I am to you you do not need.”

Many days and many meetings later, she found herself in the moment she had been dreading since the first time he kissed her. Clasping her hands tightly in his, he explained as succinctly as possible, “What I give to you is just what I’m going through.” Apparently, their relationship was “just another phase of finding what I really need,” according to him. Tears running down her cheeks, she jumped up off the bed and dragged herself to the door. Through her tears, she mumbled with her head bowed, “You do not need me.” Sometime later, she sat in another white room. Even though she was surrounded by people, she felt all alone. Hearing her name, she stood and stalked to the door. As she walked though the door and stepped on the scale, she heard a nurse whisper to a co-worker, “She’s still too young.” Ashamed, she held her own hand, knowing it was the only hand there was to hold. Alone, she would walk through this valley and emerge with another life, a blessing, yet a painful reminder of what she is and what she never will me.

 

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“Volcano” by Damien Rice

 

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for

What I give to you
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No, no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

 

 

Author's Note

Does having the lyrics accessible make the story easier to follow? And do note that the story is open to interpretation.

Reviews

[Kasey Klein]

Hello L.

I read your profile. You asked for brutal honesty. We'll see.

(Maybe if I look up the song and artist I never heard of)

I find your style, rambling paragraphs with no apparent structure difficult to follow. I COULD assume many things here, but I won't.

Just my opinion. I think this could benefit from some organization, getting away from the existential. I'm sure it's very good to those who understand it.

[Kaleb]

Nice interpretation and lyric usage.