Five

                I did feel guilty going to Zelda’s apartment at seven AM. Well, half of me did, the other half was sadistically pleased that I’d get to dish out some beauty-is-sacrifice punishment. Deprivation, the only truly frustrating thing about being, well, me. I was too weary of diet pills or vomiting and the like, so deprivation was something I had an intimate relationship with and something this girl obviously needed. Cut out some soda here, quit eating meat there, and she’d be melting off her doughy features. As for me, deprivation wouldn’t have been so bad except that I loved to cook and did it quite well. It wasn’t fair that the guys, like Tro and Greg, got so many delicious feasts made by moi, while I got a lousy salad. Granted the mirror backed me up in my efforts but there aren’t too many mirrors in dining rooms.

                The door wasn’t locked so I just walked in. I was feeling rather catty, if you want the truth. Sometimes I get like that with weak people. If they act like toilet paper, I’m going to wipe my a*s with them. I know I should feel bad about it, but technically aren’t they asking for it? It’s like natural selection or something.

                I checked to see she was sleeping first before going into the kitchen and locating a garbage bag. Then I started in on the freezer, because I figured that if she woke up half-way through it’d all be half-melted and unsalvageable.

                Ice cream, frozen macaroni-n-cheese, toaster strudel, cheese sticks, cookie dough, French fries, more ice cream, onion rings, cheesecake, pizza, all into the garbage bag. Thank god for the body wraps later.

                Then to the fridge. She did have some celery… old and moldy, just like the peaches and pears. A half-eaten meat-lovers pizza, chicken wings, breadsticks, mashed potatoes �" extra butter, chocolate éclairs, apple pie, chocolate milk, whole blocks of cheese, what had once been a cheesecake, and a butt load of various fried things �" all gone. I had a sick delight in tossing out this unhealthy, fattening food. She was sure to pitch a fit, but she’d thank me later. Assuming she didn’t go out and repurchase all this crap. I’d have to swipe that spare key by the door.

                I heard papers being shuffled and I turned around, seeing her standing there and looking through the newspaper.

                “Oh, good morning Zelda,” I said, feeling like an idiot for being surprised to see someone in her own home.

                “You’re not a dream, are you?” she asked, thumbing her way towards the Wall Street Journal. I was also surprised at that; we actually had something in common, the WSJ was the only part of the paper I looked at.

                “Nope,” I replied. This was awkward, this was so silly, why had I come over here at all?

                “I thought not,” she answered, eyeing the bloated garbage bag, “so what did you leave for breakfast?”

                I stared. She was so calm about this, about an intruder �" me �" just going in and more or less taking over her kitchen while she slept. I didn’t stare, I gaped at her. she simply walked over to the pantry and pulled out about five opened bags of chips and added them to the food. Then she stood for a moment with her head cocked to the side in thought.

                “Yeah, I guess it does feel pleasant doing that,” she finally said, shrugging and returning to the pantry.

                “What?” I asked.

                “You were gleefully laughing. I wanted to be enlightened, and now I am. Would you consider green bean casserole without the fried onions healthy?” she responded, emerging with a can of green beans in one hand and a can of cream-of-mushroom in the other, motioning for me to have at it with her pantry.

                I blushed crimson and felt sick to my stomach. This was going to be one hell of a day

Author's Note

for some reason it puts a " instead of a dash, so don't get confused about all the random symbols.

Reviews

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

yes I agree with Vanessa the ostentatiousness of the wording brings the reader to believe they are equal, well done

[Vanessa Rico]

Yes WC does tend to put " instead of the -- so dont worry about that...as much as a *itch eliza is...I admit I kinda like her...I'm not sure if that is your intention or not, but I do. I am thinking they can both even each other out. Off to chapter 6

[Dark Angel ~]

LOL!
She was just so calm about it. Gosh, I love Zelda. Another great chapter