Note to Conor

I don't know anymore

Conor, my darling babyboy,

Im sorry for doing this to you but I know youll find someone else to be there for you. You didn’t need me there any more anyway. You’ll find someone else to ‘love’. I know you don’t love me like that anymore. I should have figured that out a long time ago I just… didn’t. I wanted to keep it in my head that maybe one day we’d get back together but I know that’s total bullshit even though I don’t want it to be. I know it doesn't matter now anyway but I just need to tell you… I was still in love with you. Completely and totally head over heels for you and you played along so well for so long. I applaud you for that. But everybody loses it eventually. I understand, there’s no hard feelings on my part. Honestly im past caring now. Obviously.

Don’t worry so much. That’s my advice for you. You worried all the time, and yea I was conceited and thought it was about me but I know that’s not true. Just don’t worry so much it will kill you. Haha. That’s rather ironic isn’t it… You will die young if you worry all the time. I don’t want that for you. I want you to live much longer then I did. Much much longer…

I hope you find a wonderful girl, someone that loves you just as much as I did, or hell more. I hope she’s everything you ever wanted. I hope you get married and have beautiful children. I hope you find the girl of your dreams, the one that makes you truly happy, the one you don’t know what youd do without, the girl you cant stand being away from. I hope you find all that and much much more. I hope you find the one you were meant to be with.

I used to save our texts so I could go back and read them when I missed you. Haha, how stupid is that? God, I was such a freak. I actually believed I could have someone as amazing as you as mine. Can you believe that? Haha, someone like me having someone like you… That only happens in fairytales. I used to dream about you all the time. You were the one guy I wanted from the day I met you. I’d never wanted anyone, not the way I wanted you. No, you were special. You were the one I could actually see a future with. I know that’s crazy and well slightly obsession-ish but that’s the way I am I guess. The song, our song… F****n’ Perfect, was so true. I always thought you were perfect, nothing you did ever changed that. I wrote myself a note one day trying to convince myself that you really were pity dating me, you didn’t actually want me, but I let my friends talk me out of that. I wish they would have realized the truth and known that that was really what was happening. They just wanted me happy.

You wanted that too. I remember… everytime I send you a picture I wasn’t comfortable with you asked me if I was okay, was I happy, was I comfortable with that. I always said yea, or I don’t know, kinda. You used to be able to tell when I was lying. You cant tell anymore. Ive lied to you so many times lately. I could finally get away with saying yeah, I’m fine, and be sitting in my floor with the blade in my hand, and you’d believe me. You told me I didn’t need the blade and I believed you for a time. I just couldn’t handle things anymore.

I hate to go back to this cause I'm sure your tired of hearing it by now but I love you. I always have. You’re everything to me whether you wanna believe it or not. I really did love you. Everything I said to you I meant. I really did love you forever and ever. No matter what happened, I still love you. Please remember that. I f*****g love you.

Im so sorry about this. I love you,I hope everything happens the way you want it to.

Love you,

Serena Dani Lauralee Danielle.