Prologue

To be haunted by the past, and tortured in the present. Who will climb and who will burn? Jokes turn to attacks, pranks into crimes, and love into hate. Who will rise while the others burn?

Heating has been broken in only one office for some time now, and of course that office was Sarah’s. She sat in her cherry finish desk with goosebumps coverings her bare arms and legs. Her skirt was too short for warmth and her white half buttoned top was so thin her n*****s could rip the cloth in they were not concealed under her bra. She could have easily worn warmer clothing to work every day, but that would tarnish the one reason she was given such an important position.

She did not have much work assigned to her that day, nor would she even know how to complete it if she did. She was more than under qualified to be at this job and she knew it, everyone at the office knew it. They would stare at her from their cubicles whenever she exited the office she knew she did not deserve. Accounting was no place for a woman like her. All her life she had been street smart rather than book smart, growing up in Los Angeles can do that to a woman. Barely finishing high school and never bothering to go to college, she felt as if she had no other options. As a child, she was raised with too much pride to be a housewife while her husband slaved away just for ends meet. She took this job for her daughter, but she must never let her learn how she keeps it.

Sarah pulled down her skirt after standing up to prevent her backside from showing any more than it already did. At the click of the door to her office, every cubicle stopped to stare at her. There were no keyboards tapping, phones ringing, even the copier machine managed to turn mute at the sight of her. Sarah held her head high as she made her way to do what the not exactly rumors always said.

Peter’s office was a square made of one-sided glass so he could watch as his employees pretended to work, never knowing exactly when he would be watching. Sarah knew he was in there despite only being able to see her own reflection. She looked tired and ill, and that was exactly how she felt. Before she knocked, she had to swallow her breakfast back down. Her hand had barely touched the door before it swung open.

“You asked to see me, Mr. Cureton,” Sarah stated as professional as she could and looked her boss in the eyes.

He was an attractive man. Middle aged but did not look it with thick black hair. A clean-shaven face, strong jaw line, and more money in his bank account than all his employees will ever make combined.

“Yes I did,” Peter Cureton smiled. “I have a few questions about our new budget.”

He invited Sarah into his office with a wave of his hand. The door shut and locked behind her.

Sarah rested her back against the white painted wall and tried her best to make her ill feelings noticeable. Her eyes stared off into the distance, never locking with Peter’s and her arms wrapped themselves tightly around her stomach.

The room was spinning, her head was pounding, her stomach was screaming. What she was feeling was nothing like anything she had felt in years. Pressure built up in her throat, she was unaware if it was the feeling the vomit or if she needed to continuously swallow something that had gotten stuck.

Peter was right up against her with his hand leaning against the wall. The smell of his cologne filled her nostrils and burned as it made its way down to her lungs. His lips bent down to her neck and kissed her all over. Every time she heard the tsk of his lips, her head pounded with resentment. His hands were caressing her legs as they made their way up her body. When they grabbed her breasts, she was in agony. It felt as if they had been rubbed raw with ice.

She closed her eyes, imaging she were somewhere else, and let him do as he pleased.

Sarah had been released from work much later than her co-workers.  Being the boss’s pet meant she had to stay as long as he did and listen to everything he said and do whatever he asked. The parking garage was connected to her workplace and she has been given the best parking spot available so she never had to walk far to her car. Once she was alone, she wept.

Her crying became too much for her to stop once it started. She had never been an emotional person; or her life had never been stressful enough for her to become emotional. But tonight, she knew all of that would change. She continued to cry as she exited the parking garage and drove down the main road. If she decided to make the one turn, her life would be changed forever. Either for the best or for the worst.

Sarah passed the street she would normally take to get to her Los Angeles home and instead made her way into town. As she drove by the number of shops, she had to decide which would have exactly what she needed. Almost every type of store would have it, but not the privacy she needed.

The pharmacy parking lot was vacant except for three cars parked in the back that surely belonged to employees. Solitude was more important to Sarah than what she was there to purchase.  

She would visit this pharmacy regularly for prescriptions, but she never thought she would be in here for this. She did not even know where to look and was left watching the signs hanging from the ceiling, just proving to the employees around her that she was not ready for what was about to happen.

“Family Planning,” the sign above her read. The isle that surrounded her was filled with items that would normally bring pleasure like condoms and lubes, but there was something else, something that caused more heart ache than joy for women like Sarah: Pregnancy tests. When she looked at the prices, her stomach sank. She would have to scrape change just to barely afford even the cheapest test, which was sure to make her look like a responsible mother to the employees.

Sarah grabbed the cheapest one and counted in her mind what the total price would be, including the tax, which came out to be $17.74. She glanced through the isle to make sure she was alone and unzipped her purse as quickly and slowly as her shaking hands would allow. Inside of her wallet, she had three five dollar bills and one single bill. The pouch of her wallet was filled with coins, but she worried it would not be enough. She dumped the coins into the palm of her hand and already had a dollar worth of quarters which she then placed into her pocket. With barely a cent to spare, she had enough to cover the price. Struggling for money was nothing something she had struggled with for many years. Since marrying her husband, their combined income supported them very well. Even now money sat in their bank account that she could have used to pay for this necessity, but that could be traced. Cash was clean; cash was safe.

While faking her best blessed smile, Sarah stood tall and walked over to the register. Behind the counter was a teenager who looked too young to be allowed to work at this late hour and the attitude on her face made her look even younger. Gum was in her mouth but she had stuffed it in her cheeks when the customer approached her.

“Hello,” Sarah said trying to fake a mother’s joy, but sadness was hinted in her voice.

The cashier said nothing back and scanned the item without checking what it was. That relieved Sarah. For some strange reason, she cared about what this teenager making minimum wage thought of her. “That’ll be $16.80,” the girl said. Math was never Sarah’s best subject.

Sarah wrapped the plastic bag tightly around the item she had just purchased so it could never be seen by anyone passing by, or even herself. When once she was in her car, she hid it under her purse.

Once more, she sat in her car and waited. Maybe if enough time passed she would finally wake up from this nightmare. Before she knew it, she would be back home in her childhood bedroom, telling all her stuff animals about how she would become astronauts and buy a large mansion on the moon.

No matter how long she waited, it never happened. She was still in her late twenties, still crying in her car, and still worrying about being pregnant with a baby that was not her husband’s.

Is this a lie I can really go through with for the rest of my life? She thought to herself as she finally started her drive back home. How is this any different from our daughter? Jamie is a good man. He will love this baby. Peter will not. When Sarah closed her eyes, she could almost see it. Together her family gathered around the Christmas tree with lights surrounded them and a lit star starring down at them. Tinleigh sat in front of her parents wearing her red and white dress and hair tied back in a pigtail. She looked like the little angel that she was. Sarah and Jamie sat together behind their daughter as Jamie snuggled their bundle of joy wrapped in a white blanket covered in reindeer. The family was happy, and the family was complete.

Red and green filled her eyes and warmed her heart with the love from the holidays, but when she opened her eyes, she was back to crushing reality. Quickly she had to slam on her brakes. The light had turned green before she got to it, but the cars had not had enough time to accelerate before she caught up. The cars were moving ahead while she was still stopped and catching her breathe with the sound of vicious honking coming from behind her. A car passed and showed her the middle finger as it drove by. It was late into the night, but LA never sleeps.

Except, maybe that was the solution that she needed. Driving down a busy freeway at night, just one slip up could solve anything. Sarah thought she knew the answer, but she did not even have a question. There was no question to it. She knew the type of person that she was and that was not something that should never even cross her mind. But the type of person that she was is different from the person that she had become.

It was about midnight when Sarah finally reached the gate to her neighborhood. There were three automatic gates: One was for visitors and the other two were for residents. She was not stopped long before the gate opened wide enough to swallow her. Straight ahead was a hill that she would have to climb up to get to her home. As she drove, she was surrounded by color and life from the trees and flowers that decorate the sidewalk. Around her were large and perfectly landscaped homes that all looked the same if looked at long enough. Her home was one of those, one her husband worked so hard for while she dealt with a different struggle, one she had casted upon herself.

Despite the late hour, her home was lit when she had entered. She walked passed the L-shaped stairs and into the den where Jamie was waiting for her, sitting in a chair with a book in his lap. He closed the book and stood up when he heard the steps of his wife. “Hi honey,” he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. “Tinleigh was worried so I told her I would wait for you to get home.”

“I’m sorry,” Sarah stumbled. “I just had so much work it just slipped my mind.”

“No worries. I’m going to head to bed.” He refused to look at her as he passed by.

“Okay, I’ll have a quick bite and check on Tinleigh before I join you.” Jamie scowled as he headed up the stairs. Once Sarah heard the door of the master bedroom open then close, she retreated to the closest restroom.

Before she took the test, she had to bend over a toilet and vomit out what little was left of her lunch. Normally she would feel better after banishing whatever was making her ill, but now she just felt worse. In her heart, she knew she did not need the test.

The world stopped as she waited. She held the test close to the light above her and watched as a thick pink line formed. Her chest felt heavy as if it were filling with water instead of air. If the test stayed just like that, she would be free. She would not need to tell Peter, or her husband. There would be no baby.

Tears streamed down her face and a feeling of self-hatred replaced the sickness as she watched a second faded line grew thicker.

She had to stay in the restroom much longer than she needed. Her emotions were too much for her to carry and weighed her down like the ocean crashing over her.

Sarah folded a piece of toilet paper and blew into it. She took another to wipe the tears from her face and flushed both pieces down the toilet. When she stood up, she was faced with her own reflection. It was not someone she knew. The woman looking back at her was not the woman she was raised to be, but the woman she had become. The type of woman who must sleep her way to the top and betrays her husband in the worst possible way. No, she had not only betrayed her husband, but also their daughter.

Bags had formed under her eyes and her chest was red like a burn. Makeup ran down her face and made stains on her blouse, joining the marks of tears.

 “For some unknown reason,” Sarah would say to her friends whenever she had to explain something about her marriage, her husband was starting to have doubts about her. Only the reasons were not unknown. Staying out late, the lies, low sex drive, and now a baby that he would know he did not create. If he had, it would have already been born by now, that was how long their marriage was a sham. But they both loved their little girl, Tinleigh, and knew that this life of privilege was one that she deserved.

Before crawling into bed with an innocent man who did not deserve Sarah’s treatment, she quietly peaked inside the room of her three-year-old daughter. It was hard to see through the night, but her room had painted pink walls and white carpet. Her favorite stuffed animals and fictional princesses shared the room with her. Her favorite one, a pink poodle she had made with her father at the mall, was snuggled tightly against her body. After blowing her a kiss, Sarah closed the door and went across the corridor into her own bedroom to cry herself to sleep.

The morning had come, but she had not slept. For hours, her gaze was locked on the plain white walls that surrounded her. The more she stared into the darkness, the fuzzier her vision became, but the clearer her mind was. She knew what it was that she had to do. She was a grown woman had could not lie and wait for mommy to clean up her mess. She was mommy now.

Sarah and Jamie slept as far from each other as the bed would allow them. Either Sarah was better at pretending to be asleep than she thought, or he knew she did not care. He seemed careless as he hopped out of bed and stomped his way into the attached bathroom. When Sarah heard the door lock, she began to weep once more.

The longer that she wound lay there, the longer she would be pregnant, but her body was trapped in a sort of sleep paralysis. Her mind was conscious and raced, but her body did not have the strength to move. If she stood on her own two feet, she would crumble.

“You’re going to be late for work,” Jamie told her as he exited the bathroom.

“I got today off,” she lied, never looking at her husband, her voice hoarse and weak.

“If you got fired from another job, you’re in a lot of trouble,” Jamie warned her then disappeared down the corridor. His warning only made Sarah weep more. He poked his head back in to say one more thing. “At least pretend to be a mother to Tinleigh before I take her to daycare.” He was gone once more to leave Sarah with her thoughts.

By the time she had the strength to get to her feet, her mind had caused all her symptoms to progress. Her self-loathing had turned to internal disgust and feet swelled with every step that she took. Her back ached as if a hammer was pounding it. The pain in her head caused her to groan with every step that she took down the stairs. At the bottom of the steps was her young daughter, Tinleigh.

Tinleigh had already been clothed and fed and was ready to be sent off to daycare. She sat on the bottom step of the stairs one leg as his father held the other to tie her shoes. He was trying to explain to her how to tie them herself, but like every morning, she could not be bothered and had no care in the world. “Mommy!” She called out when she heard her mother’s steps. Tinleigh stood up and climbed the steps with only one shoe to reach her mother. Sarah lifted her up, but she was close and her agony was obvious. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”

“Mommy is a little sick today,” Jamie explained in a much nicer tone than he had spoken to her that morning. He climbed up the few steps and retrieved his daughter from Sarah’s arms. He placed her back down on the step and was much faster with tying the last shoe to get her out of the door.

“Feel better, Mommy,” Tinleigh said as she waved out of the door. Once again, Sarah was alone, although, not completely alone. She hands reached down to her stomach to press and squeeze. The morning bloat could not be denied, but she surely could not be far enough along to already be showing. Although, all her friends who are mothers were always quicker to show with their second and third pregnancies. Her time was running out.

Sarah went into the kitchen just right across from the stairs and was quick to take the phone from the holder, but froze before she could dial. What was she going to say? Was she going to drop such a bomb over the phone, or was she going to take a real sick day so the problem could be solved? Each scenario placed in her head, always with different outcomes. Either way, it would end with her losing her job, that was certain. If she terminated the pregnancy, her bravery would be terminated as well and she could never face Peter again. She would only be able to rely on the quality of her work, but that is what got her into this situation. Maybe if she had finished school or trained in some sort of art or skill, she could be the person she pretended to be.

If the baby was kept, her life would be lost. Both men in her life would vanish, taking her job, her home, and possibly even her daughter away from her. Was the baby in her womb as important to her as the one she had already birthed? Peter was even less faithful to her than she was to him. He also had a spouse, but he also had other mistresses, and none of them bore his children. Maybe they were more professional than Sarah was and had already prepared their birth control in advance. Sarah was new at this. By the time she was ready, it was too late. With the dates in her mind, she knew that time was running out.

For a moment, she had lost her mind and went farther along than she had ever thought. She had found herself in the parking lot of the clinic. Protesters clung together like ants attacking a pie and waved around their signs. Maybe of them had facts about the development of the fetus, like when the heart starts to beat or when the first kick could be felt. But most of the signs were attacks. Would Sarah really be a murderer or selfish if she made this choice? Would the life the baby would be born into be worth living? She had already failed this child as its mother. It did not deserve anything else she would put it through. She would struggle to support not only this child, but also Tinleigh. She would never be around and there would be no father to fill their hearts with love. Poor Tinleigh passed through her mind. Would giving up this baby really be selfish if it was the best for her daughter?

In her mind, this was the right choice. It was something that should have never happened, and now, she could live her life with that in mind. Her decision was made, but her body could not move. Could she safely pass through all those people? Many of the signs threatened the lives of the women and workers inside. Surely, they would kill her with their glares, but whatever would they do?

Sarah never left her car. Just pulling into the lot caused her body to shake from the judgement. She would come again on another day when they would not be there, but it was Wednesday during prime work hours. Did they really have nothing better to do than control the lives of women like Sarah? If she left now, she knew that she would never come back, and that is exactly what they wanted.

The car was out into drive and Sarah left without looking back. As she drove, she thought back to the day she had found out that she was pregnant with Tinleigh. They had tried for so long and a week after they stopped trying and were parting ways, the test came back positive. Just seeing those lines brought so much love into Sarah’s heart. So why was this baby any different? Both times, the love for their fathers had vanished, but she never stopped loving her baby. Or babies, she was still unsure.

Her mind was blank and exhausted as she drove. All morals had been sucked from her body and she knew what it was she had to do. Her feelings and her life were no longer what mattered. Those are the sacrifices a mother must make.

The spot closest to the building entrance waited for her inside of the parking garage. She exited her vehicle and struggled to open the metal door that would bring her to the basement of the hotel. First, she was brought through a stone and cement corridor that would lead her to the last door before she would be faced with the judgement of cubicles.

She had already called in sick, to the turning of heads was not surprising as she matched down the aisle, the same march they had watched her make so many times, but this time, it would be the last so hopefully they got a good look.

Sarah knocked on the door and for once there was a stall before Peter answered the door. This time, she was there by her own choice.

Peter’s face had a shocked expression when he opened the door to see Sarah. He politely invited her into his office and made sure that the door had latched before he spoke. “Are you feeling better?” He asked and got much too close for comfort.

Sarah pushed his hands away and shook her head. This was not the time for her to change her mind, it was too late. Leaving now would leave her in a rut. She pushed his hands any and anything she said or did from this point on would be before she could process any thought. She pushed his hands away from her then took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to say this, so I just will. I’m pregnant.”

“You have to get rid of it,” Peter ordered without a moment of hesitation.

She had gotten the exact reaction she was expecting, but still, she was stunned. “I already did,” she lied.

“Bullshit.” He had gotten much closer, but in a way he never had before. Aggression filled his eyes. Sarah feared that she would be struck, but he backed away and rushed behind his desk. The pulled open a drawer and returned to Sarah after slamming it shut. In his hand was an unlabeled bottle of pills. He opened the cap and poured four pills into his hand. “Take these. Now.” Sarah was still and refused, but he would not take no for an answer. Peter grabbed her arm and dropped the pills into her hand. “Dissolve these in your cheeks. You’re not leaving until you do.”

“You can’t make me,” Sarah defended. She wanted to dump the pills into the floor, but instead clutched them in her hand. Peter smiled and chuckled slightly. He turned away from Sarah and went back to his desk to pick up the phone. “What are you doing?” She asked nervously and slowly walked towards the desk.

“I’m calling your husband to tell him not only that his wife was fired, but also that she’s a w***e.”

“You can’t do that!” Sarah cried.

“Oh yes I can, and I will.”

The two stared at each other, their eyes battling, until one of them would cave. Sarah had tucked the pills into her cheeks. The more they dissolved, the more toxic they tasted. Once they were gone, Peter told her to open her mouth so he could check inside. He took the bottle once more and handed her four more pills. “You will do the same tomorrow,” he told her.

“I’m not coming back tomorrow.”

“You’re not welcome back ever.”

Sarah stormed out of the office full of tears and uncaring about the thoughts of the cubicles. They already knew the story. They had probably seen it played out over a hundred times. The difference between them and Sarah was that they still have their jobs. They still have their families. They may not have made more money, but now it is worthless. She had sold her body and her soul for nothing. Now all she could do was wait until she truly had nothing left.