I'm sorry

I just wanted to write this story for my best friend/boyfriend.

 

Harry Miles Beaguez was my very best friend. I loved him to death and then some. He could always make me smile when I was having a bad day. I could talk with him for hours about stupid crap and he wouldn't care, He'd never hang up just stay there and listen. I never got a chance to tell him how I felt and now I'll never get the chance. All I want is one more chance to make things right. Just a chance to say "I love you" <3. It's all my fault he's gone. I don't deserve to live anymore. I deserve to be dead just like harry. I wish I could have traded places with him in that car. I wish it would have been me dead and not him

Reviews

[Tex]

this is a very nice tribute to your friend. May I suggest you think of a few of the good times, maybe funny things you and he shared and write about them? It is healthy to write about the feelings you expressed in this write and other poems I have read of yours about him, but you need to turn the corner from blaming your self to remembering the great things and times you had together... otherwise some one else may be writing about you (because you are no longer with us) and that would break many hearts including ours. These are normal feelings you have but please start thinking about the good times without the self loathing... that is dangerous.

Hi marks from me because of the honesty and expression of deep feelings.

[SouthernBelle]

but it is my fault

[Tex]

that may be true but even if it is, as much pain as you are feeling will be felt by many more people who will feel it was their fault if you end your life. and then the cycle continues... even if it is our fault we must be strong and brave and say the cycle ends with me. I will not let my loved ones feel what I am feeling now. so under these new conditions (the guilt I feel) how do I go on with my life?

these are deep questions that when answered correctly (the choice to live with the knowledge that our past choices may have contributed to some elses decisions to end their own life) prove that we are mature, so mature that we chose to suffer rather than take the easy way out, so that others do not feel the pain that we now feel.

If we make the choice to live, then we must also ask "must I be miserable the rest of my life? Would the person who took their life want me to be miserable the rest of my life, or... if they knew I felt this way would they feel sick about the part they played in making me feel this way?"

If you feel he would feel terrible knowing you feel this bad, what can you do about it?

Can you chose to forgive yourself just as he most likely would if he were here? This way you honor him by doing what he would tell you to do if he were here.

I have raised a lot of questions because I don't know him or what he would tell you. Only you know that. You must answer those questions honestly if you are to honor his memory, and then do what he would want you to do.

If he is the person you describe in you poems about him I feel like he would feel sick about the way you feel. He would want you to be ok. He would want what was best for you. What do you think? Remember you must be adult and think about what he would say. This is a very adult subject and it must be dealt with in a very mature way. It is not fair that you have to think about these things at 15 years of age, but this has happened in your life and you are dealing with it no matter if you were ready or not.

Please show this poem and my comments to a trusted teacher or other adult or parent. Talk to them and ask them what they think. The act of talking it over with someone who has been through it (as I have) will really help. This is not the kind of thing people tell you about themselves unless you tell them how you are feeling first, so you most likely will have no idea who has dealt with something like this until you talk to them.

For me, my dad asked me to forgive him for treating me very bad when I was a child, I couldn't forgive him then, and was polite but would not deal with it then, I did not get the chance to do it later, he took his life just 3 days later. So I understand these issues, I don't have to imagine how you feel I know exactly how you feel... I learned many years later there were many, many other people who felt like his death was their fault. We all suffered alone because none of us was brave enough to talk to others about how we felt. Don't make that same mistake.

I pray with my wife every morning to start our day. Please know you are in our prayers.

[SouthernBelle]

thank you so much

[Tex]

you getting a grandfatherly virtual hug from over 1000 miles away :-)

[SouthernBelle]

thank you :)

[Malcolm J. Watt]

Do you think you might ever see him again? If so, it may happen. I rememder my M.A.B. I 'm sure I've seen her again. It was all our fault she died. We will see her again. Peace.
Oh yeah, heartfelt is the key.

[SouthernBelle]

i hope i see him again

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

Often we wish it was us and not others who deserve to die at certain times. At the time, it's what we think when other times we wonder why we thought that in the first place. Life is full of opportunities to fulfill your dreams and goals for yourself...to lead yourself somewhere other than where you are right now. Don't give that up simply because you feel guilty for what happened. A lot of people love and care about you and would be lost without you...

[SouthernBelle]

sad thing is no one cares about me

[DoNt LoSe YoUrSeLf]

And what makes you say that...?

[SUGATA M]

Life is really big. Take it easy and go ahead in life.

[SouthernBelle]

thank you

[Coyote Poetry]

I'm sorry for your lost. Losing a friend is always hard. Good to write down your thoughts and remember your good friend. Can't let the good people be forgotten.
Coyote

[SouthernBelle]

Thank you

[Damien Davison]

My heart goes out to you, truly... I wish you the best in your healing.

[SouthernBelle]

thank you

[morgann <3]

im sorry :( but its a great

[SouthernBelle]

thank you

[Heather]

I can't imagine the pain you are going through!
Stay strong no matter what!
You don't deserve to die.. you have made a difference in your friend's life
be proud of that

[SouthernBelle]

i want him back

[Heather]

But there is nothing you can do at this point! Let go of the past but only to the negative thoughts! Hunny, he is in a better place I promise

[unshakenScene]

im soo sorry about this

[SouthernBelle]

its ok i just want him back

[unshakenScene]

yeah i know

[Levi Levin]

I feel some deep thoughts going on :) But its now your fault, and you do deserve to live, you are going to make many people as time goes on. :)

[SouthernBelle]

i just want him back