Right Our Wrongs

What's the point,

Explain that to me,

If it is all but only pain,

That is cast upon the free.

What's the purpose,

Of breathing in this air,

That chooses our damned fate,

One that we can not repair.

What's the goal,

That leaves many twisted and broken,

To rot in an infinite misery,

Is this life's true token?

Why,

Why did i open my eyes,

To this illusion,

To this oasis of lies?

When,

When will this all end,

I can't take it anymore,

Reality is starting to twist and bend.

Who,

Who is the great cause,

Is it not all of us,

That has turned this world to dust?

How,

How will we right our wrongs,

When it has taken us this long,

To realize what we have done wrong?

Reviews

[samuel foxtrot]

i liked the third stanza the most, really nice...I do however think it could use a bit more imagry. but all and all really good

[BLBrown]

Congrats on an excellent poem. You ask so many profound questions, many of which have more than one answer. I think you really tried to go deep here. Greatly enjoyed. A few comments:

- change "can not" to "cannot"

- 3rd line of 1st stanza you wrote "If it is all but only pain," tripped over that one. You might smooth it out, like, "If all we feel is the pain."

- love your use of what, when, how, why etc.. I think it would be interesting if you started the first 3 stanza's with just "What" like you do the others. This may force you into something you don't want, but I'd give it some thought since it is quite clever.

- also, perhaps you can turn the last of the "What" lines to start with "Where" which is not in this poem...if there's a way to do that.

- in the last stanza, you use the word wrong and wrongs. This can be distracting to the reader. Recommend you change the last stanza to something, such as:
"How,
How has it has taken us all this long,
To realize our mistakes don't belong,
Just how will we right all of our wrongs?"
(9 syllables)

- in terms of consistency, sometimes you end with a question, as if you are provoking thought from the reader and this is a very powerful technique. I encourage you to try to end all stanzas with a question which would strengthen the overall effect.

- lastly, I am personally a big fan of consistent syllables in poems that use rhyme which you have done quite well here. I mean, if you are using rhyme it is to improve flow, so why not go the extra step to have consistent syllable count for smoother cadence?

Just food for thought. I hope I haven't gone too far with my input...this is the kind of input I like to get. Ultimately you have to go your own way.

Great poem...keep at it!! Would love to see a new version if you write one!

[Rick Puetter]

Dear GreenIvy,

A write with tremendous potential. Greatly enjoyed your words.

Hight marks!

Best regards,

Rick

[GreenIvy]

Thank you :)

[....]

such an emotional write, and very poetic, nicely written

[GreenIvy]

Thank you :)