Letting Go (Chapter Eleven)

I STARTED WALKING HOME AFTER SPENDING A FEW HOURS WITH KERIN AT THE PARK. I crossed my arms over my chest as I walked, watching my feet step forward, then watched my other foot step in front of that one. I used to always feel like my feet were chasing each other when I was really little. It was fun to still pretend like that, and just try and be a little kid again.

Why did everyone have to grow up? Why did we have to mature, get older? Life was so much more fun when you didn't have to worry about anything. When you were just a kid, playing around with other kids, or in my case, sitting in the corner of a play ground and watching everyone else play with each other, wishing that someone would come up to me and ask me if I wanted to join them. But no body ever did.

I've always been an out cast. But when I'm with Kerin I feel like I actually belong in a place in the world. I looked back down at my feet and kept watching them "race" each other.

Being a outcast is what caused me to cut. Also the fact that my parents my got divorced and just forgot about me like I was nothing. I felt like I was the reason they broke up. My dad's old friend, John, who lived out in the country, his son Jason cut. He was about my age. Maybe a few monthes older than I am. Everytime I went there, Jason and I would ride horses together. I always rode Kenny; He was like my own horse that I could only see on the weekends.

I remembered when Jason and I were in his room and his sleeve was rolled up from riding the horses. I asked him what that was and he said it was a bad thing that he oped I never did. Well. He was wrong. I did end up doing it. I ended up doing alot of things I wish I didn't do.

When I was 12, I got drunk. Like really drunk. And I did bad stuff. Really bad stuff. I wish more than anything that I could take it back. Caused me to lose the love of my life. I haven't heard from him since.

The thought of Kerin popped up in my mind, and I smiled to myself. He made me feel like I was important. He understands me more than anything and anyone. He cuts just like I do. He feels different for everyone else. It was like...like him and I were made for each other.

I was still just his friend. That was fine by me. But was it a bad thing if I wanted to be more than just friends with him? If I wanted to be able to feel loved, just like I did when I was 12? Or was it a good thing? I still wasn't sure.

Slowly, I kicked a pebble in front of my left foot and watched it skid down the road. I sighed and thought of Jack again. Was it a good thing if I lied to myself about not missing him anymore? Or, was it a bad thing that I did that? I mean, people lie to themselves all the time, right?  

"Jack's not f*****g coming back," I whispered to myself and looked up ahead at the road. I held my tears back, getting a stinging sensation in my left nostril like I always did when I held my tears back. I kept walking until I got home, taking my key out of my back pocket. I put the key in the key-hole and unlocked it, walking inside the house.

He turned around and looked at me. "Long time, no see."

Author's Note

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