Ethernal

Alone forever with pity and insatiable cravings

The steel husk peeled back to reveal gears that tick inside

Grinding against dull colors of the lost and forgotten

A misplaced mind fades into the crumbling foundation of time

Claimed by the scrap metal graveyard

Restless and bound to never see the relief of death's light

Searching eternally to satisfy infectious cravings

Now nothing but a digital conscience cast aside

Hollow and resonating with frozen emptiness

Author's Note

My first attempt at a Science Fiction/Cybyerpunk piece of poetry. Tell me what you like and don't like about and how I can improve.

Kyle~

Reviews

[writer in trial]

Beautifully written.
You have imagined things so well and put it nicely in to words.
I was totally involved in each and every lines imagining how it would have been.
like "The steel husk peeled back to reveal the gears that tick inside". It made me think like the exposure of the fresh bloody wound after the layer covering it gets removed. So i related it as pain exposure.
the one more i like is "Now nothing but a digital conscience cast aside
Hollow and resonating with frozen emptiness". Imagined just like a digital wave which can be either hollow(zero) or resonating (one). a confused mind to live or die.

I loved it a lot friend. Keep up your good work:)
Two thumbs up ;)

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Hey, thanks. My first attempt at Sci-fi. :)

[writer in trial]

nice job :)

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Oh, and could you please rate it for me too?

[s y e]

This was really well written, Kyle. I enjoyed this piece. For a first attempt it's amazing, wish I was this good at my first attempts, lol. Loved the structure and imagery, too.

~ Noodle.

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thanks Noodle, I wasn't sure it was going to get positive feedback. But I was wrong.

[s y e]

Very wrong, haha. It's great.

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thanks again. :D

[s y e]

Welcome...!

[Coyote Poetry]

"A misplaced mind fades into the crumbling foundation of time
Claimed by the scrap metal graveyard"
Many ways to died and many types of graveyards. I enjoyed the description. Easy to forget who we are and what we need. No weakness in the outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thanks man! :D

[ShelleyA]

Hi Kyle. I'm not familiar with a lot of science fiction/cyberpunk poetry, but I do like this write. Skillfully crafted free verse couplets. Powerful imagery, vividly creative that any reader will appreciate. Flow is good; line to line transition and breaks are done well. Nice rhythm and enjambment. Good depth of feeling as are the closing lines. Well penned. Write on!

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thanks again!

[ShelleyA]

You're welcome Kyle.

[Pete Langley]

I love this, Kyle, but I have one suggestion that, I think, will turn this piece - which has superb images - from a commentary poem into a memorable one. I really feel this should be personal - as if the subject is speaking....the only change needed to achieve this is the first word - "My..." instead of "The....". Hope this is helpful. P.

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Very helpful. Don't know why I didn't think of that.

[writer in trial]

Its good. I will give it 84 /100 :)

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thank you! :)