A Winter's Heart

A Story by Kyanie

After spring, Alex sat down under an old tree reading a very cherished book passed down to her by her mother. She was then approached by the new boy who moved into her hometown.

After the blooming of springs, a cold winter breeze shuddered across my shoulder, "Winter is coming...", I said to myself as my back relaxed against an old tree. I sat reading an old book, "The Dusty Dawn" which was passed down to me by my mother. Only if the saying was true in the real world as it was in the book: "His heart was as soft as the appearance of clouds, and he pours out rain in the time of his hurt, and the people consumes it, bringing forth blooming flowers and rich green trees, and so there was spring". "Alex...", the voice of a young boy who sounded about 15 called from above my head. He was wearing a long beige coat and a suit. It was Marcus, the son of my neighbor who had just moved into our hometown. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked, then closed the book before standing up, my back facing him. "..I've arrived here not too long ago...I wanted to stop by and say 'Hi'. Actually, my parents invited your family over to a feast, but since you weren't there during that time, I thought, maybe I could come look for you", he said. I turned around, facing him. He gleamed. His innocent smile and marble like eyes, I couldn't help but turn my face away quickly. "Is there something wrong?" He gently asked, before saving me from all the talk, "...I will meet you again when everything is prepared, alright?" His footsteps was almost silent as he walked across the soft grass. It was then I thought, he must already knew about my situation. Still, I didn't want him to leave. My arms feebled trying to reach out to him, and my lips refused to say a word.

There was one thing I realized, Marcus was not like the other boys I've met, he was different. he captures the light of the main lead written in the book, "The Dusty Dawn", and maybe it wasn't the winter breeze I felt when I sat underneath the tree, but Marcus' long coat brushing over my shoulder.

© 2025 Kyanie

Author's Note

Having not being a fan of short stories, I've tried it! What do you think? I've also made some changes.

My Review

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Featured Review

QRoels

Not bad. It was a good short read. I liked the quote at the beginning and you gave just enough detail about the setting to place me there. I could see the story happen.

I would say that your dialogue could change. I am not aware of the era they are in or the dialect they use but the dialogue is not as believable as it could be. What's being prepared? Also, the "Ah"s and pauses happen in actual conversation but they tend not to read as well in writing.

Some of your sentences have too much content. For example "I asked, then closed the book I was reading before standing up, my back facing him." This could likely be two sentences. "I asked as I closed my book. I stood up with my back facing him." That is a little easier for me to read. But I'm just one reader.

Some line editing could help to get rid of redundant words or descriptions. "facing him face to face" for instance could lose some faces.

You did a great job making me believe in the main character and her feelings. I was left wanting to know what happens next, which is great! I like wanting to know more about what happened.