When Everything Falls Apart

This is an excerpt from a story that I have been working on. This is when one of the main characters...just breaks..

I want to take a knife and cut off my head and reach in and grab my brain and rip it open until all contents fall out. These contents including thoughts, feelings, and memories. And I want to throw them on the floor and grab a hammer and pound the contents until they shatter into nothingness. Then they will be nothing. I can start over fresh with new contents.
My contents --thoughts, feelings, and memories are painful.
My thoughts mean nothing they are just hopeless wishes that could never happen.
My feelings are just blinded by pain and happiness. I can't think straight.
My memories are no good either. They are useless and all they do is bring down another wave of weight.
Then after I would continue and turn myself inside out and rip out everything that made feel like I was something.
My heart. My heart. My heart. I would take it and drive a stake into it letting all of it out. It meaning all the pain, loss, sadness, happiness, joy, out. I would take out my heart first so I don't have to keep pretending that I actually mean everything to someone.
Then my source of communication. I would smash my voice on the ground and watch it blow up. I would watch all my conversations all the things I've ever said before blow up in front of me. I wish my voice had never been giving to me.
Then there would have been no life for me. It would have been better that way.
Then I would take my soul and hang it up and light it on fire. And watch all chaos that I caused.
Then when I am stripped of all the causes of my pain, then what am I left with? A shell.
Just a shell. A shell stripped of all it's meat. The shell --everyone looks at the shell and wishes that the shell was something else that wasn't itself.
My everything doesn't mean anything.

Author's Note

Please review honestly, and friend me. Thank you!
-PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW-
(I am dying to know what people think of my writing)
THANK YOU!

Reviews

[Dot]

Greetings KStiletto.

A promise satisfied!

Understanding this is only an excerpt, I find myself craving the backdrop and causes that led to this fracture inside of the character, for what the reader is given here, could only be described as a tease; a mental deconstruction of events effaced. In terms of the actual matter, although I enjoy and understand the things being portrayed, I feel as if the author perhaps ... needed to jump or reroute around some kind of barrier, blocking their means for perfect and fluent transcription. I find it hard to succinctly detail precisely what I mean, it just simply seems as if the excerpt and the words were perhaps forced in places.

The latter point could be arrived at from many sources, and I fear a combination of my own personal bias, and perhaps a writing style I do not fully understand play a key role. Firstly, I am not fond of short sentences, you see, I am a lover of extensive and abstract description, and in this piece, short sentences are many. Obviously, this is purely a scrupulous nick of my own, and still, I feel the reason for the short sentences is for a certain, hard-hitting quality of the character's thought-process. The other point I fear, is that this is a writing style I do not fully comprehend, thus, if the author could send me a message or reply to this review and tell me how they feel they constructed this short piece, I would be highly appreciative.

Language: Indeed, I feel I should split this point into two halves, consisting as an overview of vocabulary used, and in how the language flows. In terms of vocabulary, I feel the author uses only the words necessary for description, while disbanding the use of any superfluous words. In doing the latter, the author allows the majority of people to easily understand and follow the work, but opposing this, is the subtraction of slight elegance and individual quality. In terms of how the piece flows, it's somewhat rhythmic, in a delicate one-for-one pattern.

Concept: Here I feel I cannot fully comment, for I do not know the entire context as it were, however, from what we are given, the delving into the character's subjective experience is something I personally highly prize, and is done very well indeed. Only could I write more on concept if I knew the adjacent content.

Texture: Darkly cognitive; the shaded side of the human mind revealed in all its monochromatic dread. Profoundly depressive and somewhat desperate, this piece creates the sensation of tremendous turmoil, leading to one feeling either secure in their own mind, or comparable to what is being portrayed.

Environment: Nil really, for we technically find ourselves in the mind of the character; a realm without structure and matter. Here again, I can only comment on the physical environment, thus would need the adjacent matter in order to comment.

Overall: Good excerpt, but we need more in order to gain a greater perception and feeling of the story. So too would we feel more for the character if we knew both him, and the events leading up to this breakdown.

Thank you for this piece, good work.

Theo.

[KStiletto]

Thank you! And yes these feelings were actually my own...but I turned it into my character's. This character is like this because he cannot love. If he touches a person he will kill them, he feeds of the souls of other people therefore when touching them he sucks the life out of them. He is in mourning of his first love that he killed.

[Rene Salinas]

I seem to have been left unsatisfied by the language or by the scene I am quite unsure, see, the description seems to be pointing out to a place which resides not in physicallity yet in an attempt to make it obvious, or make it clear or becuase you wanted to create a powerful image that will leave no doubt in the mind of the reader, you resorted to explicit materialism .

Oh, if only this deep existentialism could be removed via a surgical knife sort of thing. And so it continues as if the thoughts of the thinking heart could be extirpated by a precise laser arriving at the point of origin induced by local and as the surgeon looks at you from behind that white veil he may ask: Would you want tme to remove despair , or disatisfaction and then you would go back saying please 50 % of eiher.
Then you move onto the vocal chords as if you could change the instruments in the choir so its music would appease you.
Finally you arrive at the shell at the outer realm and it seems that it is the perception of what the external represantives make of it which makes a deep impact on you.

Clearly then the statement: here you go I have desecrated every single one of those layers so that you vestiges of clay observe. And as I rest in this deadened ground for you all to have a good look at.

See this something?

Is indeed nothing.

Thankyou

[KStiletto]

Thank you for this constructive comment! I will work on these things, thank you for the advice.

[Rene Salinas]

There is no advice there I just took the excerpt and shared with you what I understood which is what you asked.

[KStiletto]

Yes and I appreciate it so thank you! :)

[Silent Wolf]

So, I'm gonna organize this review because I feel like it.
♦♦Criticism♦♦
~My thoughts mean nothing they are just hopeless wishes that could never happen.
~~~So, a period or a semicolon, or maybe a dash would work best here since this is a run-on sentence. The way I'd do it would be: My thoughts mean nothing; they are just hopeless wishes that could never happen.
~My heart. My heart. My heart.
~~~I feel like this is a little bit too much repeating right here. The way I'd do this would be: My heart. Oh, my heart.
~ I would take it and drive a stake into it letting all of it out. It meaning all the pain, loss, sadness, happiness, joy, out.
~~~So, minimizing the word it might make these sentences flow a little better. The way I'd do it is: I would take it and drive a stake right through the center, letting everything spill out. All the pain, the loss, the sadness, and even the happiness.
~ I would watch all my conversations all the things I've ever said before blow up in front of me.
~~~Minor grammatical errors. I would watch all my conversations, all the things I've ever said before, blow up in front of me.
~I wish my voice had never been giving to me.
~~~Given.
~Then there would have been no life for me. It would have been better that way.
~~~I feel like this line is a little out of place where it is.
~The shell --everyone looks at the shell and wishes that the shell was something else that wasn't itself.
~~~So, this sentence is a little weird to me. The way I'd reword this would be: The shell. Everybody looks at the shell, wishing that it was something else, something it wasn't.

♥♥Feedback♥♥
Alright, so I really loved this! I'm sure that at one point, most people have felt this way, including me. It's really sad to think about, but true. I feel bad for the character, and it kind of reminds me of a character from another book I'm working on. The title really fits this piece, as well. Besides the minor errors that I listed above, this is really good!

[KStiletto]

Thank you so much, and yes I have to say my 'tenses' are not as great as the rest of my writing, so in the future if you read my writing my tenses probably will sway a little, but I am working on them, anyway thank you for the nice review and I will try and work on those things!

[Silent Wolf]

You're welcome! :3

[Emye]

Awesome! I think it's a cool deep short little read and it really describes how everyone feels at one point. I think most of your audience could relate to this. I'd love to read the actual story where this excerpt was from someday! ^-^

[KStiletto]

Thank you so much! I look forward to reading more of your writing as well! Thank you!