"Winner in Love"

A Poem by Kenny Whiting

"Winner In Love"
In love I feel I've struck it rich
I finally staked my claim
I chipped away at hardest heart
And struck the richest vein!
I felt I'd never hit it big
I'd nearly given in
I felt I'd never find the one
My heart would never win!
Then one sweet day you waltzed right in
Was so far from prepared
I had to look not once but twice
To see you standing there!
I said "I think you might be lost"
You said "I know my way"
I knew right then I'd hit my mark
I fell in love that day!
You showed me love I'd never known
I soon had lost control
I gambled big, my heart at stake
But love was on a roll!
I took the chance and placed the bet
I shoved my whole stack in
I flopped a flush right from the start
And hearts had won again!
So as you see it all paid off
Although I had to dig
With you I'm now the richest man
In love, I'm winning big!

© 2016 Kenny Whiting

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Reviews

Richard🖌

Hi, Kenny!

It's just Richard, come to read, enjoy, review, and critique one of your fine poems.
From your profile comments, I've learned you're relatively new at poetry; so, I wanted to begin on the site where you did, comparing your first with your newest post — that way, to get and idea how you might have progressed in your writing skills through association and example with more experienced writers in the Café. Remarkably (in my estimation), you seem to have remained about the same.

In-any-event, I'd like to share some of my conclusions about this first effort (as a long-tenured teacher of poetry, I seldom conduct mere "pats on the head, feel good" reviews [though, they are important, too], but rather, constructive comments on details a poet can utilize in improving their penmanship and appeal for their readers):
1. I enjoyed the metaphorical use of a card game in your romantic win, for love really is a gamble, and you expressed the truth of this quite well.
2. As sentimental as romance can be, you've, also, included a playfulness to lighten the experience, making your piece appeal to the more serious, as-well as, the frivolous amongst us.
3. The emotional timbre of this piece matches the thinking and understand nuances quite well, and that I not always an easy poetic balance to find.
4. Your poetic voice, nice rhymes, and ease of flow lend an ambiance throughout that holds your readers' attention and interest from beginning to end.
5. The lack of proper punctuation and unseparated verses give a run-on, jammed-up (smothered) affect you might want to address in your further efforts. You've composed this in beautiful 8/6/8/6 count Quatrains, but who can tell it, the verses are so crowed into each other; even your title is crushing the poem!
Open your work, allow it and your readers room to breathe … remember, the mind's-eye first sees your presentation, that sets the mood, setting/effecting the mood of your compositions.
Poetry is not simply about laying pretty words onto the page … the computer allows us to be creative in how we showcase our hard work and ernest poetical efforts.
6. Keep very mindful of these words: I, I'd, I'm, Me, and, the, etc; go back through an count how many you used and repeated … I think you'll be surprised.
Please, allow me to offer an example by illustration edit of your initial verses:

"Winner In Love"

In love, I feel I've struck it rich;
I finally staked my claim …
chipping away at hardest heart,
to strike the richest vein!

Feeling I'd never hit it big,
I'd nearly given-in …
fearing I'd never find the one,
my heart would never win!

There is more you could improve on, if you've a mind to, but I'm sure you get the idea what I'm trying to get across.
Kenny, my further reviews will, probably, not be as conclusive as this one, but I hope the efforts for you in this one have aroused some constructive thought, offering a clear understanding of how you can improve on your skills.

Having said all that, I see a great potential in your poetic future … you are certainly a mark above the average; now, work on that presentation and proper grammar. : )
Thank you, too, my new friend, for sharing your excellent efforts! ⁓ Richard

Posted 8 Years Ago

Hi, Kenny!

It's just Richard, come to read, enjoy, review, and critique one of your fine poems.
From your profile comments, I've learned you're relatively new at poetry; so, I wanted to begin on the site where you did, comparing your first with your newest post — that way, to get and idea how you might have progressed in your writing skills through association and example with more experienced writers in the Café. Remarkably (in my estimation), you seem to have remained about the same.

In-any-event, I'd like to share some of my conclusions about this first effort (as a long-tenured teacher of poetry, I seldom conduct mere "pats on the head, feel good" reviews [though, they are important, too], but rather, constructive comments on details a poet can utilize in improving their penmanship and appeal for their readers):
1. I enjoyed the metaphorical use of a card game in your romantic win, for love really is a gamble, and you expressed the truth of this quite well.
2. As sentimental as romance can be, you've, also, included a playfulness to lighten the experience, making your piece appeal to the more serious, as-well as, the frivolous amongst us.
3. The emotional timbre of this piece matches the thinking and understand nuances quite well, and that I not always an easy poetic balance to find.
4. Your poetic voice, nice rhymes, and ease of flow lend an ambiance throughout that holds your readers' attention and interest from beginning to end.
5. The lack of proper punctuation and unseparated verses give a run-on, jammed-up (smothered) affect you might want to address in your further efforts. You've composed this in beautiful 8/6/8/6 count Quatrains, but who can tell it, the verses are so crowed into each other; even your title is crushing the poem!
Open your work, allow it and your readers room to breathe … remember, the mind's-eye first sees your presentation, that sets the mood, setting/effecting the mood of your compositions.
Poetry is not simply about laying pretty words onto the page … the computer allows us to be creative in how we showcase our hard work and ernest poetical efforts.
6. Keep very mindful of these words: I, I'd, I'm, Me, and, the, etc; go back through an count how many you used and repeated … I think you'll be surprised.
Please, allow me to offer an example by illustration edit of your initial verses:

"Winner In Love"

In love, I feel I've struck it rich; 
I finally staked my claim …
chipping away at hardest heart,
to strike the richest vein!

Feeling I'd never hit it big,
I'd nearly given-in …
fearing I'd never find the one,
my heart would never win!

There is more you could improve on, if you've a mind to, but I'm sure you get the idea what I'm trying to get across.
Kenny, my further reviews will, probably, not be as conclusive as this one, but I hope the efforts for you in this one have aroused some constructive thought, offering a clear understanding of how you can improve on your skills.

Having said all that, I see a great potential in your poetic future … you are certainly a mark above the average; now, work on that presentation and proper grammar.  : )
Thank you, too, my new friend, for sharing your excellent efforts! ⁓ Richard

Rating /100