Heavy Thoughts of a Hurting Mind

A Poem by Kupendwa

2/23/2013. A spoken word poem

"Good morning Mattie! How'd you sleep?"

"Oh, I slept wonderfully!

I fell asleep quickly and never woke until morning."

"Any cool dreams?"

"Oh no, you know I don't remember my dreams."

I laid on my back for an eternity,

While my mind bled uncontrollably,

Painful thoughts flowing.

They won't leave me.

LEAVE ME BE!

It takes hours for me to fall asleep

And when I finally do,

I wake every half hour because...

Well I don't know why.

Maybe because my brain is too lonely.

I guess he needs someone to keep him company.

So he wakes me, begging to help him think.

Of course I have dreams!

I just lie so you won't ask.

My own dreams sicken me.

It's the only time I lose control.

I am a monster in my sleep.

"How are you?"

"I'm great!

How are you?"

I almost killed myself today!

Why can't I go back to first grade,

Where the hardest choices were choosing

Which game I should play,

Or how to convince my mom to let me

Wear my favorite jeans,

Instead of those silly looking corduroy?

Does my Darth Vader action figure win today,

Or is he defeated by my batman toy?

Do I climb the tree from this branch,

Or that side?

Oh none of that matters anyway.

Because if I don't find the answer,

I'll just be the incredible Hulk

On my trampoline and dodge

The sprinkler's water bullets.

I guess the hard things in life change.

My decisions were a little different today.

Do I slit my throat and watch it bleed,

Or pop the pills to set myself free?

Or maybe I shouldn't end today,

I could just use the razor blade,

And wear my heart on my sleeve.

Or no, my scars on my sleeves.

Or no.. My heart on my wrists?

I DON'T KNOW!

So maybe I'm not so great.

I don't know if I'm depressed.

I think I'm just lost.

I'm happy when I'm with people.

But when I'm alone,

I think a little too much.

I get sad often.

Okay so maybe I am a little depressed,

Maybe a tiny little bit.

I'd just hate to admit it.

When I was little,

I would get annoyed with emo kids.

I was convinced depression was fake.

It was a mind game.

"If you want to be happy,

Just be happy."

I'd say.

"Depression happens because

You want to be sad"

Well I sure don't want to be sad!

Or maybe I do.

It gives me something to write about.

No, I definitely don't want to be depressed!

When I lay in my bed,

I ponder for hours how many times

I lied today.

I didn't lie.

Why would I?

Well maybe I lied once or twice.

But that's just because I didn't want them to know,

It was a bad day.

But then I can't help but wonder

If something else I said was a lie.

What is the truth?

I get so confused.

Maybe it's because I've had my fair share of memory loss,

Or maybe I've lied so much that I've forgotten the truth.

I really don't think it's the second option,

But I can't help but wonder.

I wish we didn't lie so much.

I wish we could tell the truth,

Even when it hurt.

I dream of a world where our pains,

Are not contained within.

But one that we could walk without chains,

Free of our masks.

Why must we lie?

© 2013 Kupendwa

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Featured Review

Poetic Beauty

Ahh depression is a terrible place to be. It makes us not ourselves and we smile through the tears and the hidden vacuum that dwells within side us. We cant escape it but we don't want others to know the depth of our hurt either. This is a great piece and I love that the person is arguing with themselves about what is going on. A private conversation within ones own mind.