Crying

12/24/2012.

I just experienced my very first,

Hospital hallway wall, sliding down

To the typical Hollywood sad and confused,

Teary eyed, half sitting, half standing position, moment.

 

I started to cry.

But then I told myself I could not cry.

I had to be strong.

And so I did everything in my ability to not

Think about what was going on in that hospital room.

 

But my mind acted in defiance

And did the exact opposite of what I requested.

I tried to stop my thinking

But my desire just acted as fuel

For the burning fire in my head.

 

While attempting to empty myself of thoughts,

I became filled.

The questions started flowing.

Once the flowing began, I was consumed

With an endless and raging sea of questionified emotion.

 

A simple yet convoluted question came first.

Why? Why is this happening?

More complex questions followed.

How will I go on if she dies?

Will life consist of me forcefully

Placing one foot in front of the other

And hopelessly trying to find a reason to continue?

Has the God we’ve always strived to follow abandoned us?

Is there a God at all?

 

It was as if my mind stuck his thumb out

And went for a ride all across the world.

I thought about the most random things

Though I viewed them through a grey-scaled lens.

 

Why is the sky blue?

Instead of seeing the beauty of blue,

The sky is blue because of sadness.

The sky is blue because I am blue.

And the clouds cry a storm because they’re broken.

And when the waves crash

It’s because they were a little bit too tipsy that night

And now their children are mourning.

Who thinks about these kinds of things?

I am going crazy.

 

And once again I cry.

I bawl.

The tears roll down my cheeks.

First it was just one slow drip

That got caught in my eyelash.

But of course it continued

Until there was a river of tears rushing down my face.

 

Screw being masculine.

I’m going to cry.

Because crying is the only thing

I can do in this situation.

Ha! Crying just makes me want to cry.

 

Why?

 

Author's Note

I understand that the beginning is difficult to read because it is written oddly. But that is the only way I could write it that I thought fit what I was feeling.

Reviews

[Frieda P]

I love how you describe the 'Hollywood moment' I could see you half cocked on that wall. It runs the gamut of those questions and emotions that occur when we think we are close to losing someone very dear to us, nothing makes sense at all. I think you got your feelings across quite nicely. Kudos.

And crying....because sometimes that's all we can do.

[Kupendwa]

If you could envision it, then I think I was successful. Thank you for the review!

[Carolann Dowsett]

Wow this brought tears to my eyes, such honest, raw pain and deep, deep sadness, I want to read this again and again.

[Kupendwa]

Thank you for reading it. Just a painful part of life, I suppose.

[Carolann Dowsett]

I understand, I've been there. Its indescribable pain

[Kupendwa]

It's the worst. But that's what causes us to grow.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Yes true and also to write with such depth of meaning.

[Kupendwa]

The deeper the pain is the deeper our writing will be.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Yes, it is a Blessing birthed from a curse.