Intro

A Chapter by KungFuDabu

Dear S****y McWhoreface,

I’m going to make these audio logs for you just because I feel like it, and you’ll probably be the only one I’ll ever miss. So anyways, lift off went well, I’m still alive. Well, it all depends on your definition of alive.

So anyways, in order for me to accomplish my life goals, I have to fuel up at the lovely planet Jupiter. It’s going to take five years to get there. This boat can go a lot faster. Yes, I know, it’s a spaceship, but I’m going to call it a boat because it can float. If it can float it’s a damn boat! So it’s going to take for-ev-er because the fuel tanks are as empty as your soul.

I like Jupiter, it’s big and lovely and it’s almost as big as your mother. (I miss your mom’s cooking, I wonder how she’s doing by the way.) I have to cruise around in the atmosphere and steal hydrogen, helium, xenon, all of their damn isotopes and whatever gas this boat can use to blast my a*s all over the Galaxy. I always had a thrill for stealing crap. I hope the Jupiteraians, Jutopoians, Jupies, Jovians or whatever they’re called don’t mind me taking their precious liquid hydrogen and blowing it up all over the galaxy.

Then I’ll be on my way to the constellation Ophiuchus, then when I get closer, I’ll head for the star as known as Wolf 1061, then I’ll redirect and go to planet #C, then I’ll go explore! Yea skank, I’m a freaking astronaut. The crap are you doing with your life now Ms. Ugly McFatStomach!?

Thanks to the dual engines on this boat (designed in the ancient 1970s and 2010s) I’ll travel 13.8 light years in about 450 years. That’s if I don’t run into an asteroid, or a comet, or something.

450 years you ask, won’t you die well before 100 years? Ahh ha! That’s what I knew what your beautiful freaking face was going to ask. See, I was once just like you: mortal. Then I died. But then my a*****e dad brought me back from the dead by throwing millions of dollars at my dying body. Well, not literally. I’ll explain later when I feel like it. But right now you gorgeous heartbreaking serpent, I’ll start off with when you last saw me. And F**k you by the way. Reminding me of when I last saw you really pisses me off.

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