The Bathhouse Inn and the Kimonos of Colors

 

 

            Ayaka walked down a busy thoroughfare in the heart of Shenobi. Save for a few islands of cloud, the afternoon sky was clear, and the sloped roofs and treetops stood out against the blue. The cobbled street she navigated hummed with the flow of citizens, wayfarers, pilgrims, merchants, and trundling wagons. Varicolored kimonos and other styles of garb made for a colorful procession of passersby. Although summer was months away, and the plum and evergreen trees lining the avenue offered enough shade, a few women already carried parasols. These individuals appeared well-to-do; and so Ayaka guessed the fashion a mark of status. Everywhere there was so much to see, especially with more people in Shenobi now than at any time of the year, for tonight was the vesper inauguration of the Saisei Spring Festival.

            Since a child, Ayaka dreamt this. She slackened her step and surveyed the multi-leveled buildings. I still can't believe I'm actually here. She could never imagine living anywhere but in her homeland of Gurinhiruzu, with its dale pastures and green hills; at the same time she'd always longed to behold the Southern capital. Regardless of circumstances, now that she was stepping on the Shenobi's very streets, there were moments Ayaka had to restrain herself from shouting and twirling in delight.

            Growing up, her parents told her many tales of the fabled city. After they were gone, her great uncle Tayori provided her an aristocratic education, often focused on the history of the Southern Kingdoms, and also continued the family's storytelling tradition. Ayaka learned Shenobi was once the capital of the Southern Empire, which existed in millenniums of olden. With the sagas of ages marching, riding, singing, clashing swords, and swooning in romantic rapture through her daydreams, she'd spent hour upon hour imagining the mythical realms of the South, their deep forests and sapphire rivers - a place where she believed heroes and goddesses yet roamed.

            A week and a half had passed since she and Noribuko arrived by caravan, yet Ayaka's first impressions would be forever etched in memory. The horses had slowed upon approaching  the colossal jade-green gates, and Ayaka tilted her head back to behold the Kyojin Kasai Phoenix's red banners swelling atop the ramparts. As on that day, and as on every day since, the parapets and battlements were attended by guardsmen units arrayed in full regalia, and bearing crimson sashimono standards on their backs - though instead of the fire-bird's emblem were written the characters - Eternal Guardians.

            The world Ayaka discovered behind the stone walls surpassed her expectations. In contrast, Gurinhiruzu was a rustic country, where the grazing herds of livestock far outnumbered the number of inhabitants. With a population of over two hundred thousand in Shenobi, wherever she went, Ayaka saw more people than at any place or time, even adding up everyone throughout her life over and over again. Here she had encountered folk from far and wide across the Southern Kingdoms, and scores hailing from places such as Midorasu, Soraijeno, and even as far north as Hyokken. There were foreigners with strange accents she never heard before, even a sprinkling of gaijin from across the Sea of Kodaina Suiro, from the Rodan Empire, and further west. Travelers continuously made the journey to Shenobi, on paths and roads, as rivulets trickling towards a sea shimmering with promise.

            This might as well be the center of the world, thought Ayaka, as the thoroughfare guided her near Shenobi's vast palace. Aside from the humble castle where she'd been born and raised, the rest of her homeland was comprised of scattered farmlands and a handful of agrarian villages. In Shenobi though, she appraised architecture she didn't know could be built. Over the centuries, structural marvels imbued with artistic harmony had been raised everywhere. There were Dojen and Kin'yoku-inja temples thousands of years old, resounding at set intervals of the day with the intonations of giant gongs. And at Shenobi's center dominated the palace, with Kami-no-gozaTower, rising from its heart like a white spear of the gods to pierce the sky.

            Surely this was the Celestial Empire's crowning jewel.

            "Sora-hana," someone called to Ayaka. From her peripheral vision she noticed Tazaki on the other side of the street. Since meeting the young daiymo man at a teahouse, Ayaka had been informed he was asking around for her. Pretending not to hear, Ayaka quickened her stride a little.

            "Ayaka?!" Tazaki called again, further back this time.

            She sidestepped a rickshaw and hurried until turning onto a byway which led to Oki market. The hub of commerce was her intended destination anyhow. Earlier, Noribuko instructed her to procure a short list of medicinal items, that when prepared properly, supposedly helped balance one's ki. They could've sent Harumi, but unlike most daiymo, Ayaka did not favor being attended to by servants. And more often than not, she preferred to go alone, to blend in while wandering the metropolitan maze.

            Approaching the market, the buzz of humanity grew. To find the master herbalist, she had to enter deep into the market's sprawling labyrinth. The aisles were loaded with stalls and vendors selling a plethora of wares, and soon the thick crowds forced her to a near shuffle. The hubbub of merchants was uninterrupted, announcing offers and bartering. Maneuvering the throngs, Ayaka stopped here and there to eye shops, curious of the conglomeration of products. If one lingered, the vendors proffered:

            "Good day missueku! How may I help you?"

            "Please, right this way!"

            "Might I show you around? I'm sure we've got what you're looking for."

            "Thank you," she would reply, "I'm just browsing though."

            Ayaka knew she'd found the medicinal section when her vision fell over a table piled with pseudo-magical charms.

            "Good afternoon Denka Soranoyume," greeted a familiar voice. It was the herbalist. He stood in the adjacent tall, a thin, grey-bearded man, stooped with age. His smile deepened his wrinkles.

            "Good afternoon Minoru senpai." Ayaka bowed modestly.

            After reading Noribuko's list, the herbalist nodded, and set about finding the items in their corresponding baskets, and the shelves stacked with wooden boxes and bottles.

            While Minoru saw to this, Ayaka overheard the neighboring vendor - a medicinalist who sold potions, ointments, and powders for all manner of ailment - debating one of his customers about the tenuous political situation. Since arriving in Shenobi, she'd spoken with only a few daiymo of such matters, and on each occasion their answers struck her as too assured to be wholly confided in. Sometimes the commoners' perspectives were closer to the truth.

            When a short lull in their exchange allowed, she entered their conversation, trying to sound naive, "What do you think the Southern Kingdoms will do, ... I mean, if Shinrin tries to fight with Fumei-noyorou?"

            "Well missuekku, a lot will happen," answered the customer. The bundles of furs he toted attested to his occupation as a trapper. "There are plenty of southern lords who won't hesitate to hit back if the Shogun gives them reason, ... but not all the houses will, not yet."

            "True, but what the young lady perhaps wants to know is if Shenobi will go to the aid of its allies, neh?" said the medicinalist. "And that depends. But if Shinrin decides to tackle Fumei-noyorou and the fire really starts to roar, I reckon that aside from Eruku, Shenobi is the only southern house that can be counted on when it comes to taking old alliances seriously."

            "Are you so sure?" asked the fur-trapper.

            The medicinalist went on, "Prince Daisuken led the Hiryu riders to quell the Okami-hitobito clans, did he not? And everyone knows the Shogun stirred that insurgency. Shinrin didn't need our help, but lord Kodai-Otosan wants to make a point that we're prepared to support our ancestral alliances."

            "The Okami-hitobito clans are one thing." The trapper scoffed. "Bunch of rats and mongrels. The Shogun is the big wolf."

           The medicinalist shrugged. "Time will show us. Everything depends on what happens along the borderlands."

            The trapper snorted. "If the Shogun's gotten so bold. He's strong, but not stupid. Mark my words. He won't cross the Silver River, not if he knows what's good for him."

            Even after their words shifted to other matters, Ayaka remained pensive. When the herbalist returned, bringing the jute bag of herbs, he said to her, "Don't worry Denka Soranoyume. I would wager all my wares there will be peace."

            Upon hearing the honorific he had addressed her with, the other two men bowed.

            "I'm afraid Minoru's always the optimist," the medicinalist said to her. "Let's see how much longer peace lasts between the Southern Kingdoms and Fumei-noyorou. Kage-maru is just biding his time, waiting for his chance."

            Ayaka paid Minoru, thanked him, and went her way. She sensed the darkness brooding on the horizon of the future. During recent years the potential for conflict had mounted, and in Shenobi, the collective sentiment regarding this danger was palpable. Superseding worry however, an ancestral pride had been reawakened. Even now she could see the legendary symbol unifying this courage: the Kyojin Kasai Phoenix, woven into the red banners that rippled atop the palace donjon. Indeed, wherever she went, from rooftops and places of commerce, the standard had been raised. Uncle Tayori had explained the power the phoenix represented: the fire, the sun, obedience, fidelity, and the southern star constellations - everything that made the kingdoms of the south strong.

            It was clear why other feudal lords placed their faith in Shenobi to keep the wolves of the east at bay. In this time of divided and warring states, the southern capital was rising again as the fire-bird in myths beyond memory. If anyone was going to stop Fumei-noyorou, it was Shenobi. Ayaka wanted to believe this. It had to be true; she'd never seen such strength of arms assembled. Yet if Fumei-noyorou rivaled Shenobi's strength, as some claimed, then when Shogun Kage-maru turned his gaze to her kingdom, the eastern warlord would sweep it away like autumn leaves in a typhoon. Noribuko was right; they needed the protection of the Southern Kingdoms. 

            I have to do something. But get married? Gods. There must be other ways, ... anything. I'll figure it out. And what if an alliance makes things worse? What if something terrible happens? ... it'd all be my fault...

            Ayaka wasn't ready to go back to the inn, and so she walked for hours, losing herself in the myriad of streets and gardens, wandering down lanes bordered by trees, lingering by fountains. Slowly, the dread of impending war faded.

           

            On her way through the city back to the Bathhouse Inn, Ayaka paused on one of the bridges that spanned the Sukai River. The sun was going down, and nearby a koto player strummed and twanged notes which gently skipped, and drifted like dandelions in a breeze. One of the things she liked most about Shenobi were the traveling artisans, actors, and roving musicians. She often heard bamboo flutes and stringed instruments, intoning their poetry down byways and lonely stairs.

            "What inspires you to roam the countries and play your songs?" she asked the man playing the koto during a break between songs.

            He considered the question awhile. "To give a voice to the silence between us." He gestured at the people passing by.

            Ayaka nodded and smiled. On the eastern horizon, the violet silk of twilight extended. While she overlooked the river, the koto's notes merged with the waters, which flowed through the city on their way to join the great lake of Seinaru umi.

            It was getting late and she almost forgot they'd be waiting. Although she hurried, by the time Ayaka got back to the area where the inn was located, the sky had turned a deeper purple and the chochin lanterns that hung from roofs and in living quarters were being lit. The sizzling aroma of fried meats wafted as she made her way up a narrow avenue crammed with eatery-shops and tables where folk gathered, slurping hot udon-miso and noodle soups. With so many people out and about Ayaka had to edge past the crowds.

            The entrance into the Seas of Heaven Bathhouse and Inn was a wide doorway aglow with lamplight. The owner, madam Madako, stood at the booth by the entrance. 
            “Good evening” said Ayaka, giving a bow.

            Madam Madako nodded with a curt smile to acknowledge her admittance. Ayaka had learned that to a lot of citizens hereabouts being a princess from Gurinhiruzu was not nearly as distinguished a rank as it was back home. On the ground level Ayaka glanced by at various bathhouses that flanked the open air courtyard and its fountain. These were commodious, well-lit chambers, and filled nigh capacity tonight. Maiko servant girls bearing dry towels and wooden trays with tea and heated sake scuttled to and from the bathhouses where steam rose in floral aromas. The pooled chambers overflowed with laughter that tumbled down corridors and across the twilit courtyard.

            It was here too. Ayaka had felt it all day. The spirit of celebration abuzz in the air and hearts of the people. It was like the warm golden glow from the lanterns.

            Ayaka climbed a wooden staircase to the third and highest floor and walked along a balcony which overlooked the courtyard on each side. She turned down a roka corridor and into the area strictly reserved for daiymo. Passing fusuma-wall partitioned rooms, voices could be heard and several silhouettes faintly descried through the mulberry paper doors. A couple guests chattered in the hallway.

            Ayaka came to one of the doors. "Hello, hello. I'm here. It's me."

            The shoji door slid open, and a little nomin girl bowed, never making eye contact, as though paying homage to an empress. Even her voice was shy. "Denka Soranoyume," she greeted.

            Ayaka didn't think it possible, but the nine year old looked more adorable than ever, and when Ayaka placed her hand on the girl's cheek, she had to resist the powerful urge to squeeze its chubbiness. "You don't need to call me that, Haru-chan. Just Ayaka will be fine, neh."

            Harumi smiled and received the bag of medicinals before returning within the room to help Noribuko. Ayaka's aunt was crouched by a small stone brazier where she boiled jasmine tea in a kettle.

            Two young women, both in yokujo bathrobes, exchanged warm greetings with Ayaka.

            "We've been waiting for you all day Aya-chan," said Akemi, throwing up her arms with a dash of exasperation. She was the shorter of the women, and the daughter of a high-ranking daiymo who held office in Shenobi's  court. The first days after Ayaka arrived, Akemi had been nice enough to show her and Noribuko around. It was wonderful to spend time with Akemi, since she was always full of laughter and excitement about nearly everything.

            “That's just like my cousin, neh, always taking the scenic routes," said the other young woman. Midori was Ayaka's first cousin by way of uncle Nagai-hije, brother to Ayaka's father, and a ruling council member at the Phoenix Hall in the palace. As, a child, with her parents, Midori had visited Gurinhiruzu for extended summer stays. She was Ayaka's elder by just one year, and during those visits they became as sisters. Now that Midori had transformed into a beautiful young woman, she stood out wherever she went, for she was tall, radiant with inherent confidence, and the elegance of a geisha. It was no surprise Midori was one of the most admired and sought after of all maidens in Shenobi.

            "It's time to prepare ourselves for the festival." Midori clapped her hands in a no-nonsense manner.

            A wooden bathtub waited near the middle of the room. The bathhouse downstairs was reserved primarily for men. Upstairs female patrons had access to various wide barrel-like tubs, and a few lodgings such as theirs came furnished with its own soaking cistern.

            “Yeah,” said Akemi. “If we hurry we can still get good spots to watch the opening ceremony. We don't want to be late for the Parade of Dragons, neh.”
            “Come on Aya-chan,” Midori encouraged Ayaka by motioning toward the bathtub.
            Noribuko looked up and nodded. "Do as your cousin says. We had it poured and refilled just for you. It’s time you had a good scrubbing.”

            Ayaka was a little embarrassed, but with everyone waiting she saw no way around it. She untied her sash, disrobed, and stepped gingerly into the bathtub. The temperature was tepid, and she lay into the waters with ease. At Midori’s beck, Harumi fetched another bucket of steaming water from the bathhouse below. The nomin girl was one of Midori's personal servants, and Midori had assigned her to see to Ayaka and Noribuko during their stay. Midori had offered several older and more experienced servants. However, since Ayaka and Noribuko were accustomed to doing most of the work themselves, they chose Harumi. So far there hadn't been much for the little nomin girl to do but follow them around and spend a good deal of time laughing with them, which meant Harumi had to continually cover her mouth due to her embarrassment about a gap a recently missing baby tooth had left in the top row of her teeth.

            "Thank you so much Midori,” said Ayaka. She sat shoulder deep in the water, and used a soft coral sponge on one of her arms as Akemi washed her hair. “I mean, for letting us stay here, and for everything.” 

            “Anything for my favorite cousin,” said Midori. “I wouldn’t have you and aunt Noribuko anywhere else. These are the finest accommodations in Shenobi, and close to the palace, as a princess should be."

            “You came at the best time of year possible,” Akemi exclaimed. “You’ve no idea how wonderful it’s going to be tonight.” She clasped her hands, and looked heavenward with dreamy anticipation. 

            The teapot wailed plaintively before Noribuko took it off the fire. She served the tea in small cups. The young women sipped as they waited for it to cool down.
            Although muted by the inn walls, rambunctious sounds from the streets reached them, signaling that the festival was warming up. Somewhere afar, drums pounded.

            After Ayaka got out of the water and dried off, she draped a white bathrobe over her shoulders and sat on a chair facing a long, slender mirror. She combed her sable hair with a boxwood comb.

            "Your eyes are beautiful cousin," said Midori, leaning close and looking into the mirror with her. "The color of twilight rain, neh. Compassionate, dreamy, ... but also sad..." she said the last with a touch of concern.

            Looking at her reflection, Ayaka perceived this sadness. It was always there, she realized, just under the surface.

            "I have something for you," said Midori, "to match your elegance, and to bring out your joy."

            "Haru-chan, pick that up," Noribuko said to the little nomin girl, pointing to a small stuffed doll lying amid the floor. "Someone's going to trip over it."

            Harumi did as she was told, and Midori crossed the room to the closet.

            "Can I see it?" asked Ayaka.

            Although the little nomin girl seemed shy about it, she handed the toy to Ayaka. It looked like a chubby kitten, while also resembling a monkey, or a round bear with a big head.

            "What is its name?" Ayaka asked.

            "Koribito-san," Harumi replied, with a hint of a smile.

            Ayaka had never heard of such a name, but it sounded fitting. "Where did you get Koribito-san?"

            Harumi dipped her head, hiding her eyes a shade. "Mommy gave it to me."

            Though she did not show it, this pained Ayaka, for she knew what had happened to Harumi's family.

            "Well, he's beautiful. Take good care of him, neh." Ayaka kissed Koribito before returning Harumi the doll. The little nomin girl clasped it to herself and beamed, as though it were the first time it was being gifted to her.

            Midori had opened the shoji closet and was sliding a large lacquered oaken chest across the floor toward Ayaka, and Akemi, who waited expectantly. Midori opened the chest with a key. Folded neatly inside were an assortment of the finest silk kimonos Ayaka had ever seen.

            "They're wonderful!" Akemi squealed, jumping up and down.

            "I had them sent for from the tailor house in Sogen-no-tani,” said Midori. “I can assure you that they’re the finest kimonos in the Southern Kingdoms."
            Thus began the obsessive process of selecting who would wear which one. With so many colors and embroidered design variations, it seemed an impossible task. Standing before the mirror they held the kimonos up, measuring them this way and that, appraising which colors favored them best. During the culling they talked about the young nobles who’d be in attendance this year. 
            “Did you hear?” said Akemi. “Prince Ryusako rode all the way from Shinrin-okuku.”

            “There’ll be so many princes” said Midori. “I don’t know who I shall let take me to the tea houses or noh plays first."
            “What about you Aya-chan?” asked Akemi. She posed for herself with a red kimono. "Which of the daiymo do you fancy?”

            Ayaka hadn’t been paying much attention, her thoughts meandering instead to envision the dances and ceremonies, and the thousands of lamps that would illuminate the streets of Shenobi like golden stars. "Um,...well,... ," she mumbled. 
            “Come on,” said Midori. “There has to be at least one young noble that catches your eye. What about Akihiro from Ao-Kuraudo?”
            “Oh, I don’t know.” Ayaka shrugged. She feigned interest, managing a faint smile. “I suppose they’re all so gallant and wonderful, it’s difficult to decide.” 

            "You’re right about that.” replied Midori. “And luckily, nearly everyone you’d want to meet will be in Shenobi if they haven't arrived already. Despite what's going on in the east, hundreds of daiymo have been returning for the celebrations.”
            Akem's gleeful humor ebbed a notch. Mention of the east reminded them of Fumei-noyoro, and the Shogun. With the sounds of the festival outside calling, the presage did not last long before being overcome by the scintillating festivities they looked forward to.

            "You know what I heard,” said Midori, applying white rice powder makeup with a small bamboo-shaft brush. “Prince Daisuken might be returning any day now.”
            Akemi’s hands slapped to the sides of her face. “Really!?” 
            Ayaka didn’t understand what the fuss was about. The prince had been away from Shenobi for a long time. He happened to be Midori's second cousin, although he was unrelated to Ayaka. She'd never met him, and what little she knew regarding the prince was common knowledge. Being emperor Kodai Oto-san's eldest son, Daisuken was heir to the entire kingdom.

            "Have carrier pigeons returned with news then?" asked Akemi.

            "Not that I know of. Daisuken has been afield for months, and they only send birds when things go bad. But there've been rumors among palace officials," Midori explained while carefully setting the long hairpins in place to hold her lustrous black hair together in a shimada style bun. Ayaka applied rice powder makeup and listened intently to her cousin.   "It's said that after giving the Okami-hitobito clans battle in the Misuto Forests, the prince and his generals held council with emissaries of Fumei-noyorou, and worked out a temporary truce beneficial to both sides. I think the only reason it hasn't been announced is lord Kodai-Otosan is waiting for the riders to return."

            A moment of stupefied silence followed. Akemi clasped her hands, spilling half her tea. “Thank the gods!" Shaking her fists, she stamped in a little circle. "Even more reason to celebrate!”

            A weight left Ayaka's shoulders. Maybe Gurinhiruzu isn't in as much danger as we feared.

            “He should have rode them into the ground," grumbled Noribuko. "No treaty with Fumei-noyoru or its dogs can be trusted.”
            “Oh, prince Daisuken is such a mighty and brave man!” Akemi plowed on as if what Noribuko said was on the other side of the world. Akemi spoke in the manner one does when reciting part of a song. "Prince Daisuken has no fear! He sees to it that the Southern Kingdoms stand strong. Always riding off to fight our enemies, he defeats them all!" She punctuated the statement with short slashing and stabbing motion. "The most powerful warrior there is, our blessed and beloved protector, the Sword Arm of the South!"

            Harumi giggled. Even Midori and Noribuko appeared captivated when Akemi revisited some of prince Daisuken's long list of accomplishments. Ayaka supposed his deeds in war were necessary for the realm's defense, but she took no liking to the recounting of his bellicose achievements. From what she gathered, prince Daisuken had put untold numbers of men to the sword.

            “Not only is he unrivaled in the battlefield, he’s also very handsome, neh,” said Akemi, nudging the little servant girl. “Isn’t that right Haru-chan?”
            Harumi nodded, covering her mouth, and trying no to giggle anymore.
            Midori leaned close to Ayaka, a knowing look in her eyes. “When Daisuken returns, perhaps I can introduce you to him?” 

            Ayaka smiled wanly. “Oh, I don't think we should bother him. He's a very important and busy man."

            Midori rested her chin on Ayaka’s shoulder as they gazed into the mirror together. Akemi and Midori wore their hair up, but Ayaka had opted to let hers hang down. Ayaka wore the new kimono she'd chosen - snow silk interwoven with pink ume blossoms. Her face was whitened with the rice powder, her eyes and eyebrows accented with thin black charcoal-liner, and she just finished painting her lips rose-red and was putting on a pair of earrings.

            “Come now. Any daiymo prince or lord will be smitten,” said Midori. “You’re perfect, … like the irises that grow in the fields at the start of summer."

            Midori and Akemi selected their kimonos. Midori wore a teal-blue robe with lilies. Akemi chose a dusky amaranthine purple with snaking crimson dragons. They wrapped white sashes around their waists. On their feet they wore spotless white split-toed socks, and flat-soled zori sandals. 

            It was nearly time to join the evening. Before that though, Midori held up a soft viridian green kimono with bamboo embroideries, and headed in Harumi’s direction as if she meant to net the little servant girl with it. “Now, … time for you!”

            Harumi shrunk away, bracing like she expected a bucket of cold water to be dumped on her.

            “Did you think we were going without you?" said Ayaka. "No, no, you're coming with us, my little Haru-chan.” Ayaka looked to her aunt. "I'm just going to take her to the parade and show her about a little. I'll bring her back before it gets too late."
            After sitting the nomin girl in front of the mirror, the three young women crowded around Harumi, doing their best to make her look as lovely as possible. The servant girl bashfully beheld the final product in the mirror, smiling in surprise before remembering to cover her mouth.

            Their attempts to convince Noribuko to at least dress up for the occasion were unsuccessful.

            "Don't worry about me," she said. “Go on ahead and have your fun. I’ll have plenty of company at the tea and sake houses. Lots of aging relatives and old friends to blabber the night away with. Not the sort to get too done up for, neh. Tonight is for you young does to be together. Yes, yes, I’ll be perfectly fine.” Her smile reassured them before she shooed them away by waving the ladle. “Go along now, the night awaits.” 
            They each grabbed a small loop of rope to which was tied a bunched assortment of shells. They also lit a pair of paper and wood-framed lanterns, each hanging at the end of short bamboo poles. Midori got them started in singing the verses of an ancient air;
   

When the snows of winter melt
The streams running swift again
Awakens the world’s heart

The season of youth has come to us from faraway
Riding the white horses that guide the cold clouds away
The clear wind brings scents of new hope to everyone
Green, blue, gold, a thousand colors for everyone

My, my, how the green things are growing again
My, my, how I’ve waited to see you again

Come, come, let us drink happiness in this season
Come, come let us sing life in this fleeting season

Each true memory shall last forever, and ever, and ever

            They filed out of the room, Midori leading the way with one of the glowing lanterns, Harumi bearing the other - which the little servant girl took as a great honor. Down the halls and stairs they went, singing in unison the whole while; and when the verse called for it, they simultaneously shook the shells. 
            Exiting the Seas of Heaven Bathhouse and Inn, the three young women and the little servant girl wove into Shenobi’s cool evening spring air. The streets were flooded with colorfully arrayed crowds. People shouted over the din of the multitudes. The excitement of the opening night continued to build, becoming a wave that transported them. The city’s heart beat with the drums and crackling bursts of firecrackers that went off intermittingly in alleyways and on rooftops in florid showers of sparks. Thousands of lamps had been lit, banners streamed, songs were being sung, and laughter rose, bouncing and dancing up into the night.

            Except for the time Ayaka had been a child, when her parents and siblings were still alive, and as a close knit family they'd attended the New Year's festival in Gurinhiruzu's main village, she could not remember another moment in her life she had been as happy as this. Any foreboding was forgotten that things in life changed, often when you least expected them too, and that even this magical world she had discovered in the southern capital, could also pass, as ephemeral as the spring season.

            She thought not of past and future though. All Ayaka knew was that tonight was going to be special.

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[C. Rose]

I notice you don't tie off your quotes with punctuation (unless it is a ! or ?).
While you are being consistent, I disagree.

For example.
"Don't worry about me (COMMA)" said Noribuko. ... "Now, go along, the night awaits (PERIOD)"

I'm not sure if this is your stylistic prerogative or if it is incorrect.

I don't have nearly as many annotations as last time, but it is still easier to give you the link than copy paste 10 excepts and explanations.
https://diigo.com/020fm8

[C. Rose]

I meant excerpts.

[Kuandio]

Oh my gosh, you don't know how thankful I am for your reviews. Last night I made a note to review something of yours today. But your reviewing so fast I don't know if I'll be able to catch up now. Also, I was about to repost this chapter with some slight edits, but I noticed that most of the things you pointed out in diigo kind of went under the radar again. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe you could wait a until later today or tomorrow to review the other chapters? I'm skimming through them again

[C. Rose]

Sounds good. How about you send me a RR once the next chapter is ready?

[Hikaru]

Wow this is great! Are you going to publish it?

[Kuandio]

Thanks. I hope to publish it. The entire book is done with a word count of 290k. I'm editing the end of act II, then III, then I'm going to go back to act I and edit these chapters a lot

[Hikaru]

Wow that's skill I can't wait till I can do that!!

[S. D. Forogar]

As usual, my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: As always, the vocabulary primarily, and I am appreciating a lot of this subtlety to set up the story. A lot of people would be overwhelmed with desire to skip into the action, which commonly just fails. That said . . .

The BAD: Much of the rest. I would like to be less blunt about my words, but I was not able to find the prevailing goodness of the previous chapters in this one. Its Flow is terrible, the detail to match, and I found that this piece made far less sense than its precursors. I neither disliked nor particularly liked the dialogue, and in its blandness I decided to include it here as well. Finally, the grammar is showing the very same issues as before, but since another reviewer (C. Rose) has gone into this, I won't here. I WILL, however, mention that style should have nothing to do with ALWAYS including punctuation following written dialogue; the latter is mandatory.

First, I'll discuss its more pressing issue, this piece's. The Flow, as I found it, was here-and-there and effectively nowhere because of it. Discussing the journey to Shenobi from Gurinhizuru is not something that should be included in tandem with the journey through Shenobi itself, especially not in such randomness as it is written above. Perhaps the below will help to disclose some of what I didn't like:

' Three weeks ago Ayaka and her aunt Noribuko’s caravan had arrived in Shenobi. Her first impressions would be forever etched in memory. As their horse-drawn carriage trundled past the towering jade-green gates, Ayaka tilted her head back to regard the vivid red banners flapping atop the ramparts. They bore the emblem of the legendary Kyojin-Kasai bird. Uncle Tayori had explained the power the phoenix represented - fire, the sun, obedience, fidelity, and the southern star constellations - everything that made the kingdoms of the south strong. Defending this dynasty, the parapets and battlements above her were attended by scores of tall spears of guards arrayed in full warrior regalia, bearing on their backs standards of the same red of the Kyojin-Kasai banner, but in the fire-bird's stead, were the written characters - Eternal Guardians. Ayaka had never before seen such strength of arms assembled. ' Ch-3. Par. 4 full.

This paragraph opens with the narration of Ayaka's arrival, and the first things she'd seen upon coming. However, in this example (and several others) the tenses of time are off, to the point that the audience cannot tell if she has arrived recently or HAD arrived a time ago. If we continue along through the next 5 paragraphs, however (and for the sake of this review, I won't link them; merely reading from Par. 4 will help reveal this), this problem is corrected to a small degree, causing not clarity but further confusion. As well, the constant shifting between recent past (effectively, present) and distant past (while disclosing only the barest levels of detail and relevance) shows a level of novicehood in that revelation of plot is only used while a character has time to reflect upon it.

In your message, Kuandio, you mentioned info-dumps and Clavell's work. Being the curious sort, I checked this out, and now I fully understand where you're coming from. Respectfully, I also disagree that you can be related to Clavell in this regard, as his "information dumps" were led and did lead through their positions in the story. For example, in Shogun, he includes the info-dump you discussed in regards to his character's recollection of their teacher's words, RELATING them to something already happening at present. If we compared this to, say, the third paragraph of this chapter, there's simply no similarity; what Ayako's life was, growing up, had NO bearing on what she was currently doing in the story. These are the instances of which I speak, the ones which are unfounded and "happen" just for the sake of the plot. There is a HINT of association, but nothing significant enough to warrant the story that paragraph three tells.

So, I suppose the answer to your question is this: It simply isn't working. It is detracting from the writing, and it has no business being in there. With all due respect, of course!

For detail, I can barely see most of this world without simply imagining it. The scene in the marketplace should have been a LOT more descriptive, given a LOT more visual appeal, but instead I was only able to determine the wares of one of the vendors, and more time was spent in "flashbacking" the walls and unveiling the MASSIVE pride of Shenobi through its plethora of banners than in these wares Ayaka seemed so intrigued by. This also breaks a rule (if I might be a bit of a critic haha!) known as "Show, don't Tell," in that we are being told of Ayaka's interests and yet shown things she doesn't seem to care about (such as the war the southerners are currently preparing for). This cripples some of the power of this story in turn, since we the audience can't really determine just what is to Ayaka's character, but that's something I'm merely assuming at this point.

Considering what I've just done there, I will mention here that there are a series of run-on sentences littered throughout this piece as well as its forerunners. Yet, since I've gone into detail on this before, I'll merely leave it as a note here.

Now, on to the sense. This section MOSTLY pertains to the Japanese terminology, which until now was merely a bother. This chapter has made such things unbearable, in that every few sentences there is a new and undisclosed term I must Google in order to have any idea what to envision haha! I still stand by my words prior, in that there is no problem with the terminology herein, but I've now shifted tone a bit to side somewhat with Nusquam. There needs to be some clarification for a predominately English audience regarding the incredible level of Japanese references in this story. And, from what I read ahead, it isn't getting too much lighter haha!

Finally, we arrive at the dialogue. Probably the strongest of the weaknesses herein, nevertheless I was still not a fan. It took me a bit of time to really figure out why this was, though; after all, for the world you're going for, it doesn't seem like it would be far off. I think I finally found it though, in the manner of its long-windedness. I'd hinted at this in my very first review, but never actually believed it to be the worst problem here until just recently. I'll link a couple examples below:

' “Yes,” said Akemi, “If we hurry, we’ll be there in time to find a good spot to watch the opening ceremony. I know none of us want to be late for the Parade of Dragons” ' Ch-3, Par. 34 full.

TO:

' "Yes," said Akemi. "We'd better hurry, or we won't find good spots for the Parade!" Ch-3, Par. 34 full.

OR:

' "Yes," said Akemi. "We'd best hurry!"

' Ayaka smiled with wan enthusiasm, “Oh, I don't think we should bother him. I doubt such an important and busy man would want to make the acquaintance of a girl from Gurinhiruzu” ' Ch-3. Par. 67 full.

TO:

' Ayaka smiled wanly. "Oh, we shouldn't bother him. He's a busy man, after all." (NOTE: "with wan enthusiasm" is redundant; wanly is an apt adverb here).

OR:

'Ayaka smiled wanly. "Oh, let's not bother him. He's far too busy for paltry matters like that."

There are WAY too many irrelevant words being included, and I've a feeling that these chapters could suffer a quarter-loss if they were cleaned up in this regard. You simply don't need all of these words, ESPECIALLY with dialogue. Think about how people talk to one another in reality, and how quickly some discussions progress, and you'll have a better understanding of why it's a bad idea to have characters speaking for a minute at a time.

I hope, as usual, that there's some good content in the above, and as usual, if you have any questions or comments I'd love to hear about them! I'll continue reading in the future, so for now, goodbye my friend!

[Kuandio]

Hi, thanks again.

I'm surprised you liked the first chapter more than this. Grudgingly, I have to admit that the beginning, with the flashback, is rather out of place. I guess I was just too tempted to explain the lay of where she is and military tension. Structurally though, James Clavell does insert mini-history lessons that the character would often not reflect upon at that particular moment. I am absolutely positive about this (other books as well), but it doesn't bother me. Sci-fi books especially launch into sudden lectures

But yes, the first part of this chapter does need reworking with its structure. Overall flow is what I try to do my best with. I outlined the entire story, then outlined every single chapter in detail, to make certain I'm not including anything unnecessary and to make it easier to modify through revisions instead of swimming in a swamp of writing with no map. Barring the beginning of the chapter, I'm happy with the structure of the rest.

The war definitely is supposed to matter to Ayaka. Her kingdom belongs to the southern houses. Maybe I need to clarify that. Maybe I should start this chapter with her entering the city or watching troops march by, or just eliminate the flashback, or integrate into that day

With regards to adding more detail, being detailed is one of the things I'm most often accused of over indulging in. I'm trying to distance myself from this. The book seems like it's going to top off at around 600 pages (I hope not). I'm trying to learn to just provide enough details to jump start the reader's imagination and get out of the way.

Sorry about the googling of Japanese words, I'll take that into account and reduce or provide a better context

Your review is very helpful, even if I do feel a little lost to what is working aside from what is not. There are so many other elements in every chapter, as well as the overarching plot. While we need to know our weaknesses, overlooking strengths can murk the perceptions of one's writing. Maybe I'm too sensitive when I review other people's writing.

Well, I really hope you can convince yourself to keep reading. It sounds like it might have been too disappointing. The other chaps do little to none of this background info, pretty much everything happens in the present moment.

It might take awhile. I'm finishing the story like a madman right now, but I'll make a note to go back to your writing as soon as I've finished up and give you some reviews. Thank you for your time and insight!!! And have a goooooood day!!

[S. D. Forogar]

Not a problem, and a perfect response as always haha! I like it when people don't blow up at me in personal messages. It adds a nice touch!

I'm not agreeing that Clavell would write something I personally would find appealing, nor am I denying that it's possible, I merely expressed that THE WAY in which he introduced it is, technically, good. I wouldn't recommend exposition being included in such a manner as a rule of thumb, but if it MUST be done then relating it to the here-and-now is an imperative. Just having exposition for the sake of "getting it out of the way" doesn't add to a piece.

The war may matter, though her expressions and disinterest IN THE STORY makes her appear to not care, despite what it may or may not have to do with her as a leader. The war is merely a passing note, so to speak, which only comes back to her when someone else hands it her way. Or, as well, when she stumbles upon something that reminds her of it. To me, it just seems she wants to forget about it more than anything.

For detail, and I REALLY hate to be a jerk about this, but I also disagree. I do feel that detail is the MOST crucial aspect of a story, barring its characters, and that vivid environments are the difference-maker between a two-dee plane and a vast, epic-scale world. I don't know who's been telling you that your works are too detailed, but I highly doubt that they are able to appreciate just what such an element means. Perhaps what you really need is not MORE detail, however, but BETTER detail. When using descriptive terminology, the GREATEST appeal you can make to the MOST senses will provide the best possible picture for an audience. Take this for example:

' The town center, loaded with a plethora of vendors selling various wares, played host to a conglomeration of visitors eager to observe the Parade. Ayaka meandered through the masses, curiously eyeing one merchant's product after another's, before moving along. '

This tells a story that people can understand, but not one that would really make them believe in this world. Let's try a different approach:

' The town center, loaded with a plethora of vendors selling various wares, played host to a conglomeration of visitors eager to observe the Parade. The crowd was like a wave, throngs of bodies swaying to-and-fro as they eyed one table after another, curiosities piqued and wallets emptied in appreciation of the familial, yet clamorous, activities.

' Ayaka herself chose to meander through the masses, side-stepping a young mother and her daughter as she stole a sideways glance at the nearby stand. Upon twin tables sat piles of pseudo-mystical charms, objects she'd seen peddled before in her home of Gurinhiruzu; her eyes fell in particular over a set of scales holding various hues of rabbitsfur paws.

' "Well, good day it is to you, m'Lady," the unusual clerk announced, with a tip of a bald head which could reflect the daylight sky or a nervous smile. Today's mirror was a bit of both, as Ayaka took a half-step away anxiously and the man's wrinkled face rose to shy its shiny neighbor away. "Might I show you around?"

' "I'm just browsing!" Ayaka returned, perhaps a little strongly, before bowing politely. "I - I wouldn't know anything about them, anyway." '

(Pardon my cultural ignorance, but I hadn't the proper term of endearment for a Japanese greeting, so I defaulted to being a crude 1900's American haha!)

The second example added a small deal of detail, but it wasn't the detail that really even mattered. Merely, my description of the vendor simply provided a means to enhance the CHARACTER of Ayaka through her dealings with a random citizen of Shenobi. In total, this is probably ALL the detail one might require, and writing that tiny excerpt was actually more fun (and quicker) than writing the poor example which had preceded it. In this, I've developed a Flow, a character, the environment, a potential plot arc which may or may not be exploited later on, and a few secondary / tertiary characters were introduced to boot. There really was nothing but gain there, and now my future options are MUCH more inclusive!

This WOULD, of course, lengthen the story, but probably no more than the amount of subtraction you'd have to engage in from being free of irrelevant text (as I'd mentioned in my review). Sometimes (especially with stories like this one), having the plot progress at the expense of the other story elements will turn out far worse in the long run. Buildings are based upon sound foundations, not upon how high and elaborate, beautiful and unique the architect can make them; he may have these concepts in mind, but he must ALWAYS start with the beginning or the rest will never hold up. Perhaps, his intended traffic will never even see the top floor, because they couldn't or wouldn't risk the bottom.

I will keep reading along and making appropriate reviews as I go, though. If I see recurring problems, though, I'll probably include them as small notes, reference the review I'd expounded upon them in, and move on (it saves time haha!). So, until next time!

[Kuandio]

Hi. I really do like the alternative descriptions you came up with. Of course, detail can be improved. It's something we will continue to learn until we get so old dementia sets in. For now, the possibilities of when and what to describe are endless. My focus was just to let the reader know she's in Shenobi, give a feel of the situation looming beyond so there's a latent tension, then move her into the Bathhouse with the other characters. She actually wasn't at a market at the present moment, just a centric street. But I didn't clarify this well enough, thus the confusion. Even though, a splash of detail here and there as you recommended could be a nice touch.

Looking back, I see the flashback is connected to the present moment. She's thinking how incredible it is she is actually there, then recalls how she's always wanted to go there, everything she imagined, etc. Nevertheless, it still doesn't work. It needs to be more strongly grounded in the present

Maybe I didn't express it effectively, but she's not interested in the war because she's afraid of it, hopes it doesn't happen, and trying not to think about it.

You're not being a jerk about the detail. More is often less, but not always, and better detail often is less, but not always. Good detail usually reduces amount of adverbs, often using simpler words in more original ways.

Oh man, what a relief, I thought you'd thrown in the towel on this one. I'm glad to hear you'll continue reading. I feel your reviews, though not always the easiest to digest, are very valuable and could help take the story to another level.

Thank you my friend

[Nusquam Esse]

Most of your descriptions here are good, although you occasionally go a bit overboard to the point that it interrupts the stories flow. Try reading it aloud, and seeing if there are parts where you lose focus on where the story is going; or have someone else read it aloud if you are not seeing anything. Also be careful about passive tense, and needlessly wordy ways of saying things. I understand that these are 'elite' and well educated people; but you need to make sure that people can connect with the words and characters... instead of having a narrator which speaks with an indifferent eloquence. It is all about balance.

[Kuandio]

Thanks. Going overboard with the vocab probably belies my own insecurities as a writer. I'm also trying to give the story a somewhat serious, and ancient feel, and any complicated words I'm using I'm hoping the reader can figure out from context, and will phonetically add something.
So far though, do u think the story is moving at a good enough pace? Even if I were to improve on most of the writing's shortcomings, does the story itself provide enough intrigue? Thanks

[Kuandio]

I guess I meant to say - does it have anything going for it?

[Nusquam Esse]

it is slow but well paced for a longer story, and you are definitely doing a good job with building atmosphere. With some tweaks to the actual writing, the strong flow should start to manifest.